Krypto: Welcome to the fifth installment of WZCW's All Stars! I am Krypto and we are here live in Atlantis. Please join me with my broadcast partner Ramparty!
Ramparty: This is a new kick for me. I ain't never trip with mermaids and flounders. This party should be fuckin' stellar.
Krypto: We have no idea what the matches are, but we'll do our best to provide entertainment for the land dwellers reading this. Looks like somebody is coming out.
Neptune, God of the Sea, staggers out to the cheers of everybody in attendance. He looks remarkably like Mikey Stormrage in a bikini.
Neptune: I'm not here to waste time. I'm here as your God-King and your announcer for the evening. Let's get this show shipped out, eh???
Krypto: There's going to be a lot of maritime puns tonight I bet.
Ramparty: No wonder God once destroyed this place.
Neptune: The first match is scheduled one way or another !!!
Two scuba divers carry The Unbreakable Table down the ramp and slide it underneath the ring, where it lies, waiting for its victim.
Neptune: Introducing first, from Backstage, standing 30 inches tall and 72 inches wide, The Unbreakable Table !!!
Krypto: Wait, that thing is sentient?
Ramparty: You're an alien and this is Atlantis. Of course the table is alive and is a competitor here tonight.
Neptune: And his opponent...wait, really?
An incomprehensible light illuminates the entire building as angels prepare the aisle. No one can see the entrance, just hear the sounds of the drummer boy's song.
Neptune: Errm from The Heavens Above if you don't count Mount Olympus, weighing an incalculable amount of pounds,"Our Lord Almighty", God !!!
Ramparty: Neptune must feel really awkward right about now. His people did kinda sorta feed The Lord's people to lions and nail him to a cross.
Krypto: That was like two milleniums ago. The Lord has to be focused on the Here and Now to answer the age old question, "Can The Lord create a table he himself cannot break?" We find out tonight!
DING DING DING !!!
Our Lord and Savior reached underneath the ring and grabbed The Table. The piece of wood stoically allowed him to. The Great I Am set the table against a ringpost and fuck it your narrator has been drinking surprise surprise why doesn't anyone else watch Orange Is The New Black? The Lord clubs The Table across its flat surface but the wood doesn't give in. It just sits there like a lump on a log, or whatever a fucking table does. He knows he's going to win but breaking an Unbreakable Table is just a paradox like how will Jesus Christ Superstar err wrestler do it? Well he drove an elbow into The Table. The Table groaned on impact. Not because it can express pain, but because that was the sound it made. The Lord cut eyes at Neptune.
Krypto: He doesn't have to break The Unbreakable Table to win. He knows that, right?
Ramparty: That's The Messiah. Of course he knows that. But overcoming challenges is what he does. Praise be.
Krypto: I didn't know you were religious.
Ramparty: I'm not. I'm a parody of a guy who was a devil worshipper. Hell my handler is a Wiccan. I just don't wanna be struck by lightning while in the ocean.
Our Lord drug (lol) the Table into the ring before whoever the referee is could hit the 10 Count. I didn't tell the guest writers who the referee is so I'm leaving them anonymous in this match. It's up to them who gets the chance to contest a match in freakin' Atlantis. I'm sure that's one hell of a paycheck. Good luck Kapu, Jeff, Yazzy and The Doctor. Anyways Jesus pushed The Unbreakable Table to the center of the ring and climbed a turnbuckle. He jumped off just like Shawn Michaels does. The signature Elbow Drop left a magnificent dent into The Unbreakable Table, but it did not break. The Lord fell to the ground, and from the mat he looked at The Table, pondering why he created such a beast. The table stood silently. The Lord in his infinite wisdom summoned a battalion of angels. They all descended into Atlantis and drove a thousand Elbow Drops into The Unbreakable Table. There were cracks in The Table, but still it did not break.
Ramparty: What will it take, Krypto? WHAT WILL IT TAKE?!
Krypto: Stop trying to break something unbreakable, Jesus!
The Unbreakable Table probably chuckled to itself, if it could chuckle. The Lord heard this rhetorical laugh, and smiled. He flipped the table over and placed a sandaled foot over the back surface of the wooden plank. Whoever the referee is started the pinfall count.
Neptune: Here is your winner, That Jesus Guy!
Krypto: Buddy Christ takes the win! Amazing! He never needed to break The Unbreakable Table. The very notion was a futile effort. But a win is what The Lord knows.
Ramparty: Was there ever any real debate? The Lord is the way, the truth, and the light. Oh God look at what he's doing now!
The Lord got in Neptune's face. Neptune shrugged and extended a hand in a form of truce. The Lord looked down at his hand and gave him an Atone Cold Stunner!!!!!!! Neptune crumbled to the ground and The Lord jumped up and the crowd went wild!!!!! He climbed on top of the turnbuckle and fish threw him botttled water and he turned it into wine. He slapped them together and began to chug. Atlanteans all across the globe rejoiced.
Somewhere outside the arena, the king of swag himself, Ricky Runn, is seen hitting up a mermaid.
Runn: Now come over here and let me give you a tongue kiss on your hot pocket.
Mermaid One: Ewwww get away!
The mermaid slaps Runn before she swims away. Undeterred, Runn shrugs his shoulders and floats around the arena some more.
The man of the hour sits in a large La-Z-Boy recliner. Around him are several WZCW wrestlers of days passed. Barrett Stratton's Ghost, Darren Bull, Joe West, and The Destroyer all congregate around him. Stratton walks over to a podium and addresses Doug Crashin.
Stratton: Great turnout. We have some legends in Atlantis tonight. Hell one guy here attacked The Undertaker.
Destroyer: I like hurting people!
Stratton: Yes, we know. Doug Crashin here knows all about getting hurt, don't ya Crash?
A few chuckles from the older mermen in the audience. Doug nods a little, playing along.
Stratton: Why, he should just go around with a huge Kick Me sign. With all the bruises and welps he has had over his career, even the legally blind can get a few licks in. His bumps read like fucking Braille.
Crashin chuckles. Joe West shakes his head. Destroyer enjoys hurting people.
Stratton: You're an inspiration to me, Doug. You inspired me to get out of wrestling before I became the posterboy of punishment. Sure- I'm a racist, misogynistic symbol of white privilege, but at least I had the decency to die before I became a living caricature.
The crowd goes "oooo" like it physically hurt. Crashin rolls his eyes.
Stratton: Oh, shut up. It's a roast. If I wanted to suck his dick then I'd pull a Dan Akroyd.
Ya'll act like this shit didn't happen in Ghostbusters.
Joe West is in hysterical fits. Stratton smiles. The Destroyer ends another career.
Stratton: How does it feel knowing Joe West is laughing at you? Serious question.
Audience erupts in laughter. Doug Crashin shrugs, but is a little hurt.
Stratton: Joe West was part of the Kings of Hate, an infamous team that appeared at a major PPV event recently. Fuck sakes, Darren Bull is here and he was part of the Swag Pack. He was closer to gold then any of us. What have you been up to, Doug? Besides moonlighting as a masochist in Princes Ariel's sex dungeon.
The merfolk guffawed. Doug Crashin turns red. Darren Bull doesn't know why he is there.
Stratton: To be real though, thank you for rolling with the punches over the years, physical and mental. You've been like a father to some of us. An old, ignorant has-been who shows up to parties uninvited kind of dad, but still somehow people get excited when they see you. So here's to you, Doug Crashin.
The Atlanteans applaud, and Barrett Stratton's Ghost hovers away from the podium to give Doug a hug. Of course he goes through Doug, to the amusement to a few in the crowd. Doug Crashin speaks.
Doug: Thank you. I'm truly honored to be in Atlantis. I mean I should be getting paid for this, since unlike these other guys I actually get work.
A few polite snickers from the attendants. The Destroyer attacks The Undertaker.
Doug: Oh come on that was funny. Let's face it- I'm a legend in this sport. And I didn't have to force a stripper to suck my dick to get noticed either.
Stratton: It was a rolled up dollar bill!
Doug: It was in poor taste. And let's not get into the weird daddy issues please.
Stratton: You're just mad because you can't win a match. I at least won in last year's All Stars. Where were you? Washing dishes?
Everything gets awkward fairly quickly. Crashin looks furious. Stratton still looks like a ghost.
Doug: Oh yeah? Fight me then. Let's get a referee out here!
The Atlanteans cheer loudly. Barrett Stratton's Ghost stares down Doug Crashin. From far off in the crowd, a voice is heard.
Paradyse: I volunteer as tribute!
Stratton: Let's dance! Show me what a fellow white boy can do!
Ding Ding Ding!!!
Barrett Stratton levitates high into the air as Doug Crashin reaches out to him. The ghost cackles and puts his hands together.
Doug Crashin's eyes widen.
Doug: You have got to be shitting me.
A glowing orb begins to manifest in Barrett's hands.
Doug Crashin begins to run err wade away from Stratton. Armando Paradyse looks on with keen interest. Darren Bull, The Destroyer, and Joe West get bored and decide to leave. The orb gets larger and brighter.
Paradyse: You can say Doug is about to get roasted... for real.
The ghost pauses as he hears the pun and looks over at Armando Paradyse. He redirects his aim.
Armando Paradyse is incinerated! The merfolk clap enthusiastically as Stratton descends. Doug Crashin searches the pile of ashes that once was Paradyse and finds...a gun! Doug squeezes a few rounds off and the projectiles hit Stratton! How it is able to hit a ghost your narrator has no earthly idea, but it's All Stars so Stratton is down.
Stratton: What cruel irony.
Doug Crashin lifts the ghost up into his human arms and flips him off. He nails the Crashin Cutter! For the first time in probably a decade Doug Crashin executes his finisher on the probably already dead ghost. He covers him for the pin.
Doug: We need a ref out here! Somebody, please!
Click for Spoiler:
The camera angles down from the rafters towards the announce table. The crowd are not anticipating this match at all as nobody are really clapping or doing anything.
KRYPTO: Well humans, coming up next is one of those matches on the card nobody gives a fuck about.
RAMPARTY: Whoa, whoa now E.T lips! Iíll have you know Iíve partied with ST .ALKER and the man is groovy as hell.
KRYPTO: We shall see Ramparty, Iím going to get a glass of Nuclear Waste before this match starts.
Krypto takes his headset off and walks off camera.
RAMPARTY: Donít worry folks! That creepy alien will be back, letís head to the ring where that oily, fat announcer Neptune is about to announce the competitors.
NEPTUNE: Ladies and gentleman, this next contest is scheduled for one fall and has a three minute time limit.
NEPTUNE: Introducing first...
The lights go dark..
NEPTUNE: From the mouth of madness..
A red spotlight hits the top of the ramp...
NEPTUNE: SUKOOOSHIIII MAAAAJO!!!
Sukoshi walks down the ramp with her cat in her arms, when the fans start booing she stops and gives them a glacial stare. She hits the ring and her cat jumps out of her arms and perches on a turnbuckle. She is about to pose when Neptune steps in front of her..
NEPTUNE: I forgot to mention, sheís a 130 POUNDS!!
NEPTUNE: And introducing second...
NEPTUNE: The man you see digging through your trash can, ST .ALKER!
KRYPTO: ST .ALKER looks ready to fight tonight Ramparty.
RAMPARTY: Iím tellin ya Kryptos, this guy told me in the back that heís going all out on Sukoshi tonight.
ST .ALKER slowly walks down the ramp as his silky robe lightly billows behind him, he blows a kiss at a girl in the crowd. Suddenly a huge man jumps up and starts yelling at him.
Angry Man: Sheís 15 you sum bitch!!
Security have to calm the man down as ST .ALKER jumps in the ring, heís trying to remain cool as fans continue to boo. A ringside attendant gives him a microphone and he walks to the center of the ring.
ST .ALKER: For all you fat, out of shape, inner city sweat hogs out there..keep the noise down while I take my robe off and show you what a real sexy man looks like!
ST .ALKER slowly takes his robe off to reveal hes only wearing a skintight Speedo.
KRYPTO: NO!! NO!! NO!! BLUAHHGH!!
Several fans begin puking and security have to rush to the aid of passed out fans in the isle.
NEPTUNE: That was disturbing. Ladies and gentleman, introducing your guest referee for tonightís contest..
KRYPTO: The Italian Stallion!!
CHEEEER !!! CHEEER !!! CHEEER !!!!
ROCKY!! ROCKY !! ROCKY!!!
Rocky waves to the crowd in his tight ref shirt, he rolls into the ring and does a couple of jabs and smiles at Sukoshi.
RAMPARTY: What kind of experience does this goofball have reffing a match Krypto?
KRYPTO: Word on the Earth Internet is he reffed a match a few years ago and called it off because somebody got injured.
DING!!! DING!! DING!!!
ST .ALKER and Sukoshi walk towards each other until theyíre face to face in the center of the ring. ST .ALKER makes a kiss motion with his mouth and Sukoshi nails him with a chop to the throat, the Speedo wearin man staggers back and gets hit with a kick to the stomach followed by a hard chop to the chest, Sukoshi jumps up and nails ST .ALKER with a round house kick sending him flying through the middle rope.
ST .ALKER is trying to regain his composure on the outside of the ring when Sukoshi dives through the ropes and hits him with a flying headbutt sending him over the announce table and landing on Ramparty.
KRYPTO: My goodness! This has escalated quickly!
RAMPARTY:] Too much oil! Get this guy off of me!
Rocky: HEY YOUíS TWO! Uhh, get back in da ring!
Sukoshi grabs a coffee mug off the announce table and takes a sip, she curses as it cuts her lip, she drops the coffee and it burns her wrist, the cup falls and she steps on it, tripping and banging her head off of the announce table, the coffee cup quickly rolls under the ring. Sukoshi recovers and grabs ST .ALKERís hair and lifts him to his feet, ST .ALKER quickly rakes her eyes and gives her a clothesline over the barricade and into the first row of surprised fans. He climbs back in the ring and walks up to Rocky.
ST .ALKER: You know the rules dickhead? Start counting her out!
Rocky: Hey yo! Back up! Uhhhh, one...
ST .ALKER: Keep counting!
Rocky: Uhhh, two...three..two?
ST .ALKER: You dumb bastard!
Sukoshi climbs in the ring and quickly gives ST .ALKER a schoolboy pin.
Click for Spoiler:
DING DING DING!!!
KRYPTO: What?! Sukoshi just won this match Ramparty!
RAMPARTY: Rocky is saying something to Neptune, what the hell is going on?
NEPTUNE: Referee Rocky Balboa has stated that ST .ALKER had his foot under the bottom rope, so heís RESTARTING the match with NO PIN FALLS stipulation, you must now win in any other fashion!
DING!! DING!! DING!!
ST .ALKER quickly hits Sukoshi with a sneaky spear, drilling her to the mat. She rolls around holding her side and making loud wheezing noises. He stomps on her leg then applies a single leg lock, trying to get her to tap. Sukoshi grabs the middle rope to break the submission. ST .ALKER wonít let go of the leg lock, Sukoshi climbs the ropes with her hands, still in the submission move, she elbows ST .ALKER in the ear, he breaks the hold. Sukoshi does a quick one, two punch combo and a side kick to ST .ALKERís ribcage. He staggers back and Sukoshi hits RED RIGHT HAND, the impossibly fast spinning back fist connects perfectly and spins him around. He falls to the mat limp.
Rocky runs over and makes the - X - motion with his arms.
KRYPTO: [CLOR="Green"] What is that human moron doing?
RAMPARTY: This is the match Krypto! ST .ALKER could very well be dead from that insane spinning backfist!! Letís watch that replay!!
KRYPTO: We donít have replays.
The security cram into the ring with several medics. There is a stretcher ready to take ST .ALKER away. The man revives though and jumps to his feet, he staggers to one side of the ring while medics check his eyes and motor functions. Sukoshi is livid, sheís cursing in her native tongue and subtitles are showing the viewers at home what sheís really saying.
Rocky whispers something to Neptune, the oily man nods and makes the next announcement.
NEPTUNE: In fairness to both competitors, referee Rocky Balboa has RESTARTED this match, to make the match as safe as humanly possible, referee Rocky is now making this match, an INFERNO MATCH!!
DING DING DING !!!!
The lights dim a little as holes open up on the mat under the ring ropes. Tiny flickering of flames start to rise around the ring as the temperature heats up. ST .ALKER hits Sukoshi with a cheap dropkick to the back of the head. She hits her face on the mat hard. He jumps up and does a sexual walk across the ring to the disgust of the capacity crowd.
KRYPTO: I would like to apologize to anyone watching this match at home, humans should never wear Speedoís like that.
RAMPARTY: I swear heís got a ball hanging out Krpto, I didnít want to say anything.
KRYPTO: Thanks human! Now I have no choice but to look!
ST .ALKER picks up Sukoshi and hits her with a backbreaker, he picks her up again and bodyslams her on the mat. The flames all around the ring shoot out from the force of the bodyslam. He looks around the crowd and makes a signal that heís going to end it. Sukoshi stands up and staggers a little, ST .ALKER yells at her, she grabs him by the nutsack, but ST .ALKER flexs! He hits her with IíM NOT DOING ANYTHING OFFICER!! She does a front flip and lands on her back! Flames shoot up again! He goes for the cover..
ROCKY: Hey yo! Sorry! I forgot you gotta light her on fire over on the ropes!
ST .ALKER: You idiot!
RAMPARTY: This guy really is an idiot.
ST .ALKER picks her up and irish whips her towards the ropes, she reverses and gives him a belly to belly suplex! Both wrestlers go flying through the ropes to the outside of the ring! Both on fire!
HOLY SHIT!! HOLY SHIT!! HOLY SHIT!!!
ROCKY: Hey youís watch yer language!
Security rush over and douse both wrestlers with fire extinguishers.
DING DING DING !!!
Rocky walks over to the ropes and makes the - X - symbol with his arms again.
KRYPTO: No words can describe...
NEPTUNE: Referee Rocky Balboa has determined that BOTH wrestlers caught fire around the same time, so heís RESTARTING this match to a COLUMBIAN JUNGLE cage match!!
DING DING DING !!!
RAMPARTY: A what, what, what?!
A huge, wooden cage lowers down from the roof of the building and fits nicely on the steel posts. Sukoshi and ST .ALKER are in the ring and are ready to fight again but the mist of the extinguishers reveals something shocking to the crowd. Sukoshiís boob has popped out of a hole in her attire from the fire, but thatís not the worst part...ST .ALKERís Speedo has burnt off completely!
RAMPARTY: Can this get any worse?!
Sukoshi does a running dropkick to ST .ALKERís face, he lands on his back. She walks over to the ref and complains about everything going on and the nudity of her opponent. Rocky shrugs as he canít read her subtitles. The flames shoot out from ST .ALKERís fall and now the wooden cage has caught fire!
KRYPTO: The entire cage is going up in flames!!
RAMPARTY: I canít believe this!
Sukoshi is amping up as ST .ALKER gets to his feet, some wooden beams have fallen in the ring sending a plume of smoke up the the ceiling. Sukoshi sticks her fingers in ST .ALKERís mouth for the SOUL EATER! The naked man is fading, his legs and penis start to wobble as he loses energy. He reaches out, grabs her naked boob and hits a reverse Joey Ryan Boob Plex! They both fly into the burning, wooden cage. The cage wall breaks loose and falls down into the first six rows of people watching the match. Dozens of people catch fire as Sukoshi and ST .ALKER lay motionless on top of the broken cage wall.
HOLY SHIT!! YER ON FIRE!! HOLY SHIT!! YER ON FIRE!!! IíM ALSO ON FIRE!! WE SHOULD STOP CHANTING!! SOMEBODY HELP US!!!
KRYPTO: I almost canít handle this violence Ramparty!
RAMPARTY: This has to end soon!
Rocky climbs out of the burning ring as hundreds of security, medics and guards are extinguishing burning crowds and helping the injured. The Italian Stallion walks over onto the broken cage wall with Sukoshi and ST .ALKER. ST .ALKER slowly puts his burnt arm over her shoulders for the cover.
Click for Spoiler:
He rolls her over and locks in HEY WHAT DID I DO crossface chicken wing submission hold! Sukoshi is fading fast. Rocky looks up to the top of the ramp and makes a -come here- motion...
RAMPARTY: You donít think, he wouldnít!
Rocky makes an - X - symbol with his arms and medics pour out from the top of the ramp. Thereís hundreds of security and medics all over the place now as the ring has been nearly extinguished.
DING DING DING !!!!
NEPTUNE: SIGH! I really canít believe Iím saying this but, referee Rocky Balboa has RESTARTED this match due to endurance of Sukoshi! This match is now a FATAL FOUR WAY MATCH for THE WWE INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPIONSHIP!!!
RAMPARTY: What in the flying fuck Krypto?!
KRYPTO: [COLOR=""Green"] Iím leaving, this is too much.[/color]
Ric Flair saunters out to the ramp in his best sparkling robe. He letís out a giant WOO! As he makes his way to the ring.
KRYPTO: Who the hell is THIS guy?
Hacksaw Jim Duggan stomps out on the ramp with his two by four draped over his shoulder and his tongue sticking out the side of his mouth.
CHEEER !!! CHEER !!!
HACKSAW: U.S.A !! U.S.A !! HOOOOOOO!!!!!
ST .ALKER slowly rolls into the blackened, soggy ring. Sukoshi is hit from behind by Ric Flair and goes headfirst into the steel steps. Ric letís out a quick WOO! And climbs in the ring. ST .ALKER nails Ric with a round house kick to the head, The Nature Boy turns, walks normally and does a face plant in the middle of the ring. Hacksaw jumps in the ring and starts hitting rights and lefts on ST .ALKER to the delight of the crowd. Hacksaw falls right inside the mat after stepping over a soggy part of the ring. Sukoshi rolls in the ring, ST .ALKER misses a clothesline then gets rolled up...
Click for Spoiler:
Sukoshi raises her hand in the sky and a bolt of lightning hits her fist, she jams her fingers in ST .ALKERís mouth for a LIGHTNING ASSISTED SOUL EATER!! ST .ALKERís hair starts to smoke and bolts of electricity spark out of his eyes as he starts to fade. He eventually dies.
Rocky runs over and makes the - X - symbol again.
DING DING DING !!!
KRYPTO: Thank Dozkork thatís over.
NEPTUNE: The winner of this match, by death and NEEEEEEW WWE INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPION!! SUUUUUUUKOSHIIIII MAAAAJOOOOO!!!!!!
RAMPARTY: New Intercontinental Champion Krypto! I TOLD you Sukoshi was winning the belt tonight!
KRYPTO : I would like to take this time to apologize to Earth and all humans on it for...
RAMPARTY: Wait a second Kryto, thereís something going on in the ring.
Rocky Balboa has a mic, heís smiling and somber.
ROCKY: During this fight, I've seen a lot of changing, in the way you feel about me, and in the way I feel about you. In here, there were two guys killing each other, but I guess that's better than twenty million. I guess what I'm trying to say, is that if I can change, and you can change, EVERYBODY CAN CHAAANGE!!!
CHEEEER!!! CHEEEER !!!! ROCKY !! ROCKY !! ROCKY !!! ROCKY !!!
Back outside the arena, the Swag Master extraordinaire is hitting up a second mermaid.
Runn: I must say you do look stunning. I mean, you're the kind of girl I can really see myself artificially inseminating. Oh I'm sorry, I'm being a little aggressive, right? Can we start from the beginning? My name is Ricky Runn, right? And I'd love to make love to your booty...hole.
Mermaid Two: Get out of here creep!
The second mermaid slaps Ricky and swims off, leaving our Swagtastic savior to try again.
Ramparty and Krypto are no longer at ringside, but in the stands with a group of sea urchins.
Ramparty: Need a break from the barrage of insanity? Want to just read some soothing words amidst the confusion that is All Stars?
Krypto: Well we can't promise that, but we have just the product for you!
The euro trash takes a baggie from his pocket and waves it at the urchins. They quietly wiggle due to the current.
Ramparty: Introducing first, from the Land of Primo, I give you, Kraken Kush!!!
Krypto: For a few of your hard earned sand dollars, this reefer can make you the talk of the reef.
Ramparty: Get naughty in the nautical way.
Krypto: Go under the influence while under the sea.
Ramparty: Land dwellers would die for this. Just ask Amelia Earhardt and the people on the Titanic.
Krypto: What, too soon? Well you guys aren't tripping conch shells and jellyfish soon enough, so get this quality water weed while it's in Atlantis!
Ramparty: It makes you horny too. Narwhals know what we're talking about.
Krypto: Don't be one of those square barnacles. Get in on the action like dolphins do!!
Ramparty and Krypto begin to distribute the seaweed they found all over the front of the broadcasting table.
NEPTUNE: The following contest is scheduled for one fall!
Introducing first, formerly the head of WZCW creative! The former face of Subway! The formerly fat, Jared!!
Time goes by as the fans..... Fish...... Fish-fans? Yeah. As the fish-fans wait. No one comes out as Neptune just seems to not pay attention. The fans heckle and someone gives Neptune new instructions as the music fades. Time passes and the crowd is getting restless waiting for something. ANYTHING to happen.
Krypto: Well, our next match is scheduled now. Its Jared vs....... A baby? That can't be right.
Ramparty: I can speak, God is wrestles a table, a Roman god is announcing and for some reason, someone is selling lit torches.
Ramparty: Underwater. Why does a baby wrestling shock you?
Krypto: Because he's wrestling a PEDOPHILE!!
Killjoy: No? Fuck you, people.
NEPTUNE: ARRRGHHH!!! WHAT IS THIS UNGODLY SOUND?!?! HUH?!? WHAT?!?! Oh. Introducing....... From the crece!! A BABY! ..................... With a Shotgun? Hang on. What?
He turns and the baby is right behind him in a corner with the shotgun in hand. Neptune very conspicuously gets out of the ring, avoiding misfire as the baby giggles, tapping the firearm in hand.
Krypto: Seems legit. I mean, he's wearing tights.
Ramparty: That's a diaper.
Ramparty: Too easy.
Introducing again, formerly the head of WZCW creative! The former face of Subway! The formerly fat, Jared!!
Jared walks down the aisle, eating a sandwich. This one being from Quiznos as he makes his way to the ring. Fans rain garbage, pitchforks and lit torches at Jared but they all miss.
Ramparty: Holy crap, Quiznos still exists? They're so blatantly overpriced.
Krypto: The debris must be under 18. That's why it keeps missing.
Jared enters the ring and things seem to finally be ready to go. Jared see's his opponent and his completely horrified. That it's a gun. He argues with Neptune who just does not care and goes off.
*Ding Ding Ding*
The action is underway as Jared seems to wonder what to do. He tries to go grab him but stops. Realizing the implications of what his actions can lead to. He paces the ring wondering, when suddenly the baby starts to giggle. That startles Jared who turns and goes from surprised awed. It's a cute giggle. And it gets to him. Who just starts making a face reacting to the cuteness. He makes cutesy gestures with his face and arms. But again he stops.
Krypto: The baby is playing some very strong mindgames here. Taunting Jared.
The baby starts to roll around the mat, giggling. He.... She? The baby. The baby then grabs it's own feet as it rolls for extra cuteness. Jared is even more overloaded by the cuteness. But drops the act. Stomps the ground and sets himself for action. He reaches out with his hands for a collar and elbow tie up. He waits as the baby stops rolling. It stretches its arms out, the shotgun just off to the side. But it can't reach. There's a moment of awkward silence and the referee decides to grab the baby and raises it for Jared to lock with it. They do. The referee raises the baby. This brings Jared to his knees in pain. Struggling.
Ramparty: Laaaaaaaaaa CigueŮaaaaaaaaaaa! Ali ababa!!!
Krypto: Lion King?
Jared tries to fight back. He manages to push his way back to a full vertical base and breaks the hold. He goes for a chop, but the ref turns around to protect the child. He gets slapped. Jared doesn't stop. Not really realizing as his eyes are closed. He stops his assault and opens his eyes as the ref turns back around, bending from the pain, it makes the baby get close to Jared. He starts to clapping in happiness and that hits Jared right in the face, making him take a flat back bump. The bump, in making the bump, the ring bounces and the pained ref loses his balance and sits, causing the baby to fall on Jared. Not happy, it starts to cry. And throw a tantrum all over Jared. Jared sells the assault as the baby rolls all over him. His shoulders are not down on the mat, hence no pinfalls are being attempted. Suddenly a smell makes its way into Jared's nostrils as the baby rolls off Jared. He suddenly starts to sell intense pain in his nose. The smell of toxic shit reigning into his nose. The smell manages to get to a fans nose.
Krypto: Do you smell that?
Ramparty: No. I have a gas mask.
The baby is too busy throwing it's tantrum as Jared bit by bit recovers from the attack. He manages to get back to his feet and begins to argue with the ref. The ref argues back. Probably something about protecting the baby. The stops its tantrum and Jared notices. Done with the cuteness he tries to go on the attack, but the ref pulls him over, arguing that he must not. But Jared relents. He grabs the baby and places it on a headlock. The ref pulls a phone out as Jared applies it.
Krypto: My various alien gods! And the one in the locker room! This match is a major tecnical masterpiece! More than a Zack Sabre Jr. match!
Ramparty: Oh, give me a break. He's overrated and boring. But this match. My Satan. It's been amazing.
Jared raises the baby high up. Looking for a big press slam. But the baby bites Jared's hand and slips off. It falls on the canvas. The shit in it's diaper acts as a cushion for it's tushy. But the ring shakes and it causes Jared to lose his balance and falls into an O'Connor Roll. The referee counts. 1...... 2....... 3-No! Jared kicks out at 2. As that happens though, cops begin to storm the place. They all hold their guns up as they look for someone, screaming a name but it can't be heard. The referee gets up from counting the pinfall, pleased to see the cops. They go around ringside as Jared covers his face. And the cops find their man.
"Stop! Stop! I'm not Jared! I'm Phenom!"
Ramparty: What's going on?! I believe the po-po has arrested that odd young adult in the crowd. And he's not a fish.
Krypto: Well, as a public service announcement, we should let people know. The law is the law. And it should always be respected. Regardless of your beliefs. You, as a citizen of any country, must abide by it. There are no exceptions, whether by personal beliefs or such. They're established and you will be prosecuted.
As the cops proceed to arrest this man, the focus is away from the match. As they proceed to cuff and take the man away........
The loud bang makes the action involving the cops stop as everyone turns back to the ring to NOT see Jared's head. It has been erased. No longer there. Smoke is what is seen in it's place. The rest of Jared simply drops to the mat. And there you can see the baby. Shotgun on it's lap. It starts to clap in glee. And the referee makes the call for the bell.
NEPTUNE: Here is your winner by knockout, the Baby! With a shotgun!!
The referee raises the baby's hand and kicks the shotgun away as the crowd celebrates the victory.
Krypto: What a comeback. The Baby was being dominated on the mat by Jared. Him formerly being fat allowed him to apply great strength in his holds. The baby had very small opportunities to get out. But he got.... She? Someone check the baby.
Ramparty: HEY! Don't make me call the cops on you. Wonderful victory for The Baby here. And a wonderful victory for justice. Because 'Murica.
Ramparty: Seriously though, by our weed.
Last edited by Spidey #2 : 08-15-2016 at 10:57 AM.
Krypto: What's Mikey Stormrage doing in the Atlantic Ocean?!
The former World Champion walks out in the same bikini he wore in the last All Stars. He steps up to Neptune. It cannot be stressed enough how identical they are and there's no way you can tell them apart.
"Take It Off!" "Take It Off!" "Take It Off!" "Take It Off" "Take It Off!'
Mikey Stormrage slaps Neptune! The God of the Sea staggers, but Stormrage is on the assault...Game Over! The video gamer plants Neptune in the canvas and walks away just as randomly as he walked in.
Ramparty: That's only the second time Neptune got pwned by a guy with a beard.
Krypto: There can be only one fat dude in a bikini. Can't cramp Mikey's style like that.
Ramparty: Up next is...well, neither one of us know. We're calling these matches as they show up. Pay attention.
Neptune: Ladies and gentlefish, the following contest is scheduled for one fall and is a three on two handicapped match!
The crowd oohs and ahhhs at the special announcement.
Introducing first, at a combined weight of......
Huff: Wait a minute! Since when is this a handicapped match?
Doback: This is extremely unfair!
Huff: This place is a fucking prison!
Doback: On planet Bullshit!
Huff: In the galaxy of This Sucks Camel Dicks!
Krypto: Sounds as though the Step Brothers are none to happy with the the three on two announcement.
Ramparty: One time I watched a three on one on the internet, it ended with this chick totally laying spread...
Krypto: NOT THAT KIND OF THREEWAY!
Neptune: And their opponents, from Leeds, England, at a total combined weight of just under two pounds, Lucy the Bunny, Susie Bear and Ryan T. Bear, THE TAILED ONES!
The crowd kind of cheers and kind of awwws at the adorable anthropomorphic stuffed animals as they make their way onto the stage. Lucy, showcasing her championship caliber hopping, makes it to the ring in under five seconds. "Wait for me!" yells Susie as she sprints after her sister, almost losing her pillow in the process. She tries to retain it, only to stumble and trip into the ring. Ryan, swallowing hard at the sight of the sharks swarming above the arena, goes to pick up his sister. He shakes a fist at the ramp and shouts at it angrily, while taking one last look around for giraffes.
Ramparty: Ha! Someone still sleeps with a teddy bear! What a nerd!
Krypto: Is that Bear going to fight the entrance ramp? Your culture is one of weird rituals.
Neptune: And introducing the special guest referee for this contest, Denise!
Huff: My therapist and future wife!
Denise: I'm only here because Brennan threatened to throw himself out of a helicopter into shark infested waters if I didn't show up. Legally, I'm required to be here.
Denise rolls her eyes and calls for the bell and the match gets underway.
*DING! DING! DING!*
Brennan and Dale discuss strategy in their corner, well more that they attempt to throw sweet karate kicks while the Tailed Ones play rock, paper, scissors to see who will step into the ring first.
Susie: Wait a minute, how can three people play rock, paper, scissors?
The Tailed Ones shake their heads and eventually Lucy decides she will step in against Dale. They circle the ring, Dale doing his best karate moves to keep Lucy at bay. After they circle for what feels like hours, Lucy darts in and uses her ears to pester Dale with some soft strikes. He manages to grab hold of one of her ears and throws her into the corner where he begins to punch away at the defenseless rabbit. Angered, Ryan enters the ring and throws Dale to the ground and tries to attack him, only to be restrained by the referee and ordered to return to the apron.
Krypto: I am surprised with the guest referee's knowledge of the rules of wrestling.
Ramparty: Bitches and hoes is like new clothes, once you bought 'em you wish you never got 'em.
Krypto: What does that have to do with anything? How drunk are you?
Ramparty: I haven't even begun to drink.
Back to the action and Lucy tries to use her speed to push Dale into the ropes. From there she uses her ears to Irish whip him across the ring and uses her ears to chop him down. She then showcases her world caliber hopping skills and leaps across the ring to the top turnbuckle. Just as she is about to jump, Brennan pushes her off, causing her to hit the mat hard. Ryan, ever the protector, jumps off the apron and runs to attack Brennan for his dastardly deed. The referee is quick to warn Ryan not to fight or risk a disqualification. Angered, he stomps back to his corner, keeping one eye on Brennan and one eye out for giraffes. in the ring, Dale is using a chinlock to keep Lucy grounded, really putting the pressure on the rabbit. Using her long ears, she manages to force a break on the hold, but Dale comes down with a big elbow to the head. This staggers Lucy long enough for Dale to make the tag to his step brother, and they connect with Prestige Worldwide, a vicious double slap to the face of Lucy. Brennan makes the cover and the crowd chants along.
Kick out at two by Lucy. Brennan keeps on the attack by dragging Lucy to her feet by her ears*
*Author's note- You should never pick up a rabbit by the ears as it is bad for them
Once on her feet Brennan begins to throw vicious chops to the chest of Lucy, who desperately needs to make a tag. He backs Lucy to the ropes, where he Irish whips her. Lucy makes a desperation springboard, and connects with a splash, putting both competitors down. She crawls toward her corner to make a tag to Ryan, who has his hand outstretched and is ready to fight. She dives, only for Ryan to leap under the ring scared as a giant great white shark passes overhead. Instead Lucy tags in Susie. Susie tentatively steps into the ring, clutching her pillow. Brennan, who has since gotten to his feet charges at Susie. He takes her down with a shoulder barge, but she refuses to let go of her pillow. She gets to her feet, only for a second shoulder barge to take her down again. As she refuses to let go of her pillow, she is slow to her feet. Brennan measures a big right hand that staggers Susie, before he hits the ropes and runs at Susie full speed, looking to end the young rabbit. Just as he is about to connect, she lowers her head and headbutts Brennan right in the stomach, taking the wind out of him and knocking him down. Lucy, who is still recovering on the outside, and Ryan, who is just coming out from hiding, cheer on their sister and tell her to end the fight as she slowly climbs to the top rope.
Krypto: She is gonna fly like she is outta this world!
Ramparty: High in the sky like Skyy Vodka!
Using her pillow for maximum impact, Susie leaps and connects with a devastating splash to Brennan. She stays on for the cover, but is far too short to hook the leg.
Just before the count of three, Dale enters the ring and breaks up the pin. Ryan, angered and always ready to fight, tries to enter the ring, only for the referee to stop him. With her back turned, Brennan and Dale begin to unleash devastating karate moves on Susie. They finish up with the all powerful WHAM!, a deadly double elbow just as the referee turns around. Dale exist the ring but calls for a tag, so Brennan obliges and tags his step brother in. Dale then turns and tags out, leaving Brennan to enter. This continues for about five or six minutes straight, with the Step Brothers tagging in and out, leaving Susie plenty of time to get to her corner and tag in Ryan T. Bear, and the crowd goes bananas.
Ramparty: This beating is gonna be grizzly.
Ryan charges and double clotheslines the brothers. He then deadlifts Brennan and throws him onto Dale. As Brennan gets back to his feet, dazed, Ryan throws him into the corner and begins to throw vicious shoulder thrusts to the midsection. Just as the referee is about to get to her five count, Dale tries to pull Ryan off. Ryan simply turns around and plants Dale with a devastating spinebuster. With Dale down, Brennan runs in ready to attack, but is met with a swift boot(paw) to the face. Ryan then sets him up for a powerbomb, and connects hard. Both Step Brothers are down, and Ryan is left alone in the ring, his sisters on the outside desperately wanting to tag in. He tags in Susie, then picks up Dale and allows Susie, still holding her pillow, to connect with the best kicks that she can. Just as Brennan is stirring, Susie runs and connects with her pillow to his head, knocking him down. She tags in Lucy, who hops to the top turnbuckle and connects with the bunny splash onto Brennan. Both sisters cover the Step Brothers, as Ryan watches the entrance ramp for giraffes. The referee slides into position.
Krypto: The Tailed Ones win!
Ramparty: Wait till my furry friends on Tumblr hear about this!
The Tailed Ones celebrate in the ring. Ryan parading his sisters around on his shoulders, as the two girls wave to the crowd. Mamma and Papa KB at ringside couldn't be happier as the Step Brothers begin to argue over whose bed they will move in order to have more room for activities.
The camera cuts backstage to the Swagmaster of ceremonies, Ricky Runn, who is hitting up yet another mermaid.
Runn: How you feeling now sweetheart? A little more relaxed? Maybe it's that half a molly I put in your Mountain Dew. Yeah, works like a charm. Just chill out for a second, relax, relax, I got it under control I got you a glass of Beefeater, I got a brand new deck of Uno cards. Oh yeah baby, the night's just getting started. Okay, how about I come over tonight and pick you up in my brand new Segway? We can go over to Long John Silver's, get a fish platter, you can take me home and massage me with butter all on my neck. I love you.
Mermaid 3: Okay.
Brandi Converts is in the Davy Jones Locker Room. The unnamed referee comes in and greets her.
Referee: Hey, how's it going?
Brandi: It's too sober around here, ref. Nobody is in the spirit. Spirits. Whatever. I'm facing an Office Christmas Party. It writes itself. But I feel we should be doing something fun now. Where is Ramparty? He drinks, right?
Ramparty: It's true.
Brandi: Where did you come from?
Ramparty: I'm like a genie in a bottle. Just rub some New Amsterdam and wish for a good time and POOF. I'm there.
Brandi: Uh-huh. Well this is a good start, but there's not enough of a party here just yet.
Ramparty: I agree. That's why I brought my friend here. Please say hello to my friend here all the way from Texas.
Stone Cold: I heard some god took an Atone Cold Stunner from The Lord. Nice.
The Lord: Hey, thanks man.
Brandi: Wow. Austin and Jesus are here. Fuckin' A.
The Lord: Language, lady. I'm here to turn water into wine, not listen to a potty mouth.
Brandi: I'm sorry, Lord. Please give me strength.
Austin: So you can turn water into wine...can ya make the ocean into a big ol' glass of Cabernet?
The Lord: Of course my son. I am The Lord.
Ramparty: Holy...that...THAT would be the talk of ages.
The Lord: Some shmuck will think it's the End Times, though. Red Oceans and all that ill omen silly stuff.
Austin: That's true...
They all look at one another. The referee speaks up.
Referee: ...we should still do it...
Brandi: You're darn right we should!
Ramparty: It's not a party without a little biblical scare anyways.
The Lord: I suppose you have a point.
Austin: If you wanna see The Lord turn Atlantis into a punch bowl, give him an AMEN!!!
The camera pans over the ring, highlighting the audience. From the curtain, a large group of eeriely-similar-looking heavyset men march onto the ramp in a single file line. They are all dressed in cowboy hats, worn jeans, and flannel shirts, and all sport large white beards.
Krypto: I think we know who's coming out next.
Ramparty: Brother, I know a lot of you guys might think I hate this dude for being a stuck-up showoff, but he's my guy for this next match! Just you wait!
The line of clones stops, turns, and marches to either side of the entrance ramp, forming a human alleyway.
The music hits, and the clones start pointing. They point at each other. They point at the crowd. They point at themselves. And finally, they point at the stage, and Dr. ART Anderson marches onto it, looking exactly the same as those who point at him.
Neptune: The following is a triple threat contest scheduled for one fall! Introducing first, from mART, Texas and weighing in tonight at 424 pounds, Doctor Anderson!
Dr. Anderson looks cross as he glares at the audience, disgruntled by their ringing boos. He shakes his head, and turns to the camera. You can hear him mutter something about how freedom of expression is a form of ART.
Krypto: There is not much this professor does not see as a form of ART. I suppose that is a positive quality for an art professor to have, though I hear his temper is legendary.
Ramparty: HELL yeah! This guy puts the ART in pARTy! His theme is a banger, K-To! A banger!
Dr. Anderson stomps down the ramp to the beat of the song, pausing to point at a particularly colorful shirt, or the way a barricade has been damaged with age. At each thing he points at, he nods to himself and speaks. "This, too, is a form of ART."
He doffs his hat before entering the ring from the stairs, and after a brief period of pointing at the commentators, the announcer, and the crowd, he stands and waits in his corner, examining the ring ropes closely, at which he points and nods. The clones sidle back to the locker room.
Loud drum'n'bass hits the speakers as the lights dim and flash in time with the music. Lasers fire, smoke billows from the stage, and as the beat fades, a spotlight shines on a lone figure perched atop-
Krypto: A hovercraft?!
Ramparty: YOU BETTER BELIEVE IT, BROTHER! WOOOOO!!
Indeed, El Genio Verde is floating atop an evil-looking hovercraft, attired as he is in his evil robes and his evil mask. Standing behind him on the hovercraft is his minion, Puta Madre. The Green Genius signals to something up in the sky, and a microphone is carried to his hand by a lime-green drone.
"Buenos dias, Atlantis," he growls into the mic. "I'm sure you are all wondering what nefarious schemes El Genio Verde has planned for this match."
Ramparty: Tell us!
"Ladies and gentlemen, to deal with my opponents, I present to you my secret weapon!" he crows. The crowd gasps appreciatively as the El Genio Verde starts fishing around down the front of his pants. "It's large! It is oblong! It is capable of immense destruction! It is..."
With Herculean effort, El Genio Verde pulls something long and pale with a purple tip from his trousers. Puta Madre claps appreciatively as El Genio holds the item high in the air.
"The Pocket Rocket!" he yells into the microphone. The crowd gasps.
Krypto: That thing looks like it could cause some serious damage!
Ramparty: No DQ in a triple threat, K-Kryp!
"With just one spurt of fuel, this pocket rocket will fly forward and obliterate my opponents! There is nothing you can do to stop me!"
Puta Madre nods again and strikes a pose as El Genio Verde places the item in midair. He strokes the pocket rocket to bring it to life, and with a sputtering sound...
...it just sort of floats there, really. El Genio looks at the camera like he's on The Office and turns back to the rocket. It's definitely going, it's just going...slowly.
Ramparty: Better to take your time than blow too fast, buddy! WOOOOOOO!!
"Well, no matter," Genio says. "I have prepared a plan B for this match, and this is one neither of my opponents can ever hope to defeat."
The crowd sits there slack jawed as Genio reaches into his trousers again and pulls out an even longer, even more oblong, and even paler object. It is a syringe, clearly loaded with fluid. A single droplet quivers at the end of the needle.
"This is my special serum! It will make me beautiful and beefy! Behold! The Hot Beef Injection!"
The crowd oohs and aahs as Genio shoves the needle into the folds of his cloak. The lights pulse and lightning crackles as the Green Genius roars in agony.
Krypto: That- That can't be legal!
Ramparty: I've taken harder stuff than that at your garden variety rave! I say, let him beef it up!
When the smoke clears, El Genio has grown considerably taller, considerably more muscular, and considerably, considerably meaner. In the ring, Dr. Anderson points at the Green Genius, mouthing words about the marble statues of ancient Greece and how they, too, were forms of ART.
Ramparty: He's buff!
Krypto: He's cheating!
Laughing maniacally, the now-buff El Genio Verde grabs his joystick and slams on the gas, his hovercraft blasting down the ramp.
Neptune: Introducing participant number two, from his secret underground lair beneath the ruins of Chichen Itza, weighing in tonight at 190 lbs., El Genio Verde!
Genio abruptly parks his hovercraft close to the ropes and leapfrogs them with his newfound strength. Puta Madre walks to the barrier to do something almost-certainly nefarious. Genio and Anderson give each other the evil eye.
The crowd makes loud noises in confusion as Batti Otaku appears on the large screen above the stage.
"Hey!! Ohayou goizamasu!!"
She giggles to herself. "You both have such way cool entrances! Sugoi!" :3
Ramparty: Who the hell is Sue Goy? This chick is crazy! I love it!
"So, I decided to reach across the fourth wall and grab a cool entrance for myself!"
Krypto: Reach across the-
But before the alien commentator could finish his sentence, the lights dim and music begins to play. From the curtain, stuffed bears pour down the ramp, all grooving and shaking to the music. They shimmy, they conga, they Charleston, they jam. And then, as the figure of Batti Otaku herself comes crowdsurfing down the sea of plush, her theme plays.
Ramparty: Dude, those other guys don't stand a chance! This chick has the real party goin'!
Batti grins wildly as her crown drifts askew. She bobs up and down on the Teddy Bear Ocean.
"I look so cool."
Neptune: And finally, participant number three, from Neo Kobe City, Japan, weighing in tonight at 115 lbs. of pure kawaii, Batti Otaku!
As her theme ends with a bang, Batti slides under the bottom rope. She hops onto a turnbuckle and waves enthusiastically at the crowd, overjoyed that she is finally competing. Dr. Anderson and the incredibly muscular and veiny Genio glare at her, and sigh in unison. A referee enters the ring, stares at each competitor in trepidation, and signals for the bell.
Krypto: And we're off! And- Hang on, does Batti have a microphone?
Ramparty: She's got three! Karaoke night?! I can dig it, brother!
As Dr. Anderson and El Genio Verde look to lock up, they're blocked by Batti Otaku who stands between them both. She holds a microphone to either of them, which they take with some confusion.
"Umm, sorry to interrupt, you two," she says, "but I thought maybe before we fought, we could take a pic?"
Krypto: A selfie? That is a human custom I never expected to see here...
Ramparty: I'd get mad that she's ruining the match, but I love selfies!
After a brief discussion, Dr. Anderson and El Genio Verde shrug their shoulders and gather in close to the squeeing Batti. She reaches into her bra and pulls out a glittery pink cell phone that she holds out to the referee.
"Say 'The Ultimate Punishment!'" she says gleefully. No one says it, and the referee takes the picture anyway.
"Oh yeah, that one's definitely going on Instagram."
"Arigato, referee-san!" Batti squeaks. She giggles and takes her phone back and stuffs it in her bra. Dr. Anderson and El Genio Verde go back to their corners and post up again, ready to rock, roll, and wrestle.
Krypto: Well, that certainly was a diversion, but perhaps we will finally see a match!
Just before Genio is about to pound his meaty fist into Art's fat nether regions, he is interrupted again by the young girl. He turns to her in frustration.
"What?" he asks.
"Um...well, I was just wondering..."
The girl starts playing with her hair.
"Um, I was wondering, now that you're bara...are you and Puta-kun...BL?"
Though his face is covered by a mask, El Genio Verde looks stumped at the question.
"How am I supposed to answer that?!" he asks.
"Well, you know, Jeeny-kun...I was just wondering which of you was the seme and which was the uke!"
Before Genio or Puta can respond to the pointed questions about their sordid love life, Dr. Anderson interrupts.
"Madam, we are in the middle of a match!" he says, fury in his eyes. "You are making a mockery of this! I have half a mind to assign you 500 lines!"
Batti turns to the professor and pouts.
"Aww, Mister Anderson..."
"Doctor, Miss Otaku! I earned my degree from a prestigious ART school, and I refuse to be addressed as anything but!"
Dr. Anderson folds his arms and looks cross. Batti pouts harder.
"Aw, but haven't you ever wondered about the wild world of BL?"
"What in the wide world of ART is BL?!" Dr. Anderson asks incredulously.
Ramparty: Woo! Now we're gettin' spicy, brother!
Krypto: I am afraid I am unaware of this earth phrase. Bee Ell?
Ramparty: Brother, when I was in Ibiza, you couldn't walk two steps without running into some BL! I love me some BL!
The referee turns between each competitor open-mouthed, trying to make sense of the situation.
"Like, how do you not know what BL is?!" Batti gasps. "It's only, like, the most perfect and purest form of love there is! Gosh, okay, I'll just show you! Mister Sound and Video Guy! Go to my DeviantART! I drew a BL pic just the other day! Put it up on the big screen!"
"Did you say DeviantART?" Dr. Anderson asks, intrigued.
"Uh, like, duh," Batti replies. "It's only the place where the best artists, like me, gather. Do you have a DeviantART, Genio?"
El Genio Verde looks up from the turnbuckle, where he was suspiciously hanging out near. "No," he replies, completely failing to hide the C4 in his hand.
Batti sighs in frustration and rolls her eyes. "Whatever!" >_> "Just put it up there!"
Click for Spoiler:
Krypto: Did...did she draw this? Why?
Ramparty: WOOOO! I haven't seen anything like this ever! This match is great and that girl has some serious skills!
Krypto: What match?!
"What is that? What IS that?" Dr. Anderson barks.
"Um, well, it's Sam Smith and Ulysses S. Adams." :3333 "They're totally my OTP!"
"How can you call yourself an ARTist when all you draw is filth?"
"It's not filth!" Batti screeches, completely unaware that El Genio Verde is talking to his uke on the outside of the ring. The two are conspiring. "It's beautiful!"
"The lighting is a disgrace!" Dr. Anderson barks. "If that is a form of ART, it is certainly a poor one!"
He starts hopping in place and punctuates each of his next words with a stomp.
"YOU! SHOULD! HAVE! GONE! TO! ART!!"
Flecks of spittle fly out of his mouth as El Genio Verde rolls back in he ring with a death ray. Batti stares at the ground for a few minutes, clenching her fists.
"My art is beautiful," she says, quietly. "My art is beautiful and nothing your fat dumb self says can take that away from me."
"Perhaps it would be more beautiful if you weren't some child with more heART than brains!"
Batti looks up, fury in her eyes.
"What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you little bitch? Iíll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Navy Seals, and Iíve been involved in numerous secret raids on Al-Quaeda, and I have over 300 confirmed kills. I am trained in gorilla warfare and Iím the top sniper in the entire US armed forces. You are nothing to me but just another target. I will wipe you the fuck out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my fucking words. You think you can get away with saying that shit to me over the Internet? Think again, fucker. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of spies across the USA and your IP is being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. Youíre fucking dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and thatís just with my bare hands. Not only am I extensively trained in unarmed combat, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the United States Marine Corps and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable ass off the face of the continent, you little shit. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little ďcleverĒ comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking tongue. But you couldnít, you didnít, and now youíre paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will shit fury all over you and you will drown in it. Youíre fucking dead, kiddo."
Batti's words echo throughout the arena and she pants for breath afterwards, cold fury etched in every line of her young face. Dr. Anderson seems somewhat taken aback, but he has no time to react to her because he's too busy reacting to El Genio Verde. The newly-buff green genius levels his death ray directly at the professor's head.
"Eat lead, you fat fuck!" he roars, and squeezes the trigger. The professor dives to the ground, and the death ray collides with the adjacent turnbuckle, causing it to explode.
Krypto: Oh my!
Batti screams and dives out of the ring. Dr. Anderson struggles to his feet. He posts up once more.
Krypto: Wow, after that sneaky, deadly, and underhanded attack by El Genio Verde, I think the match is about to start!
Ramparty: There's no show like an All Stars show, K-Krush!
El Genio Verde flexes, his throbbing protusions glistening with sweat. Dr. Anderson flexes too, his hat fluttering in the wind. The referee steps backwards and the two lunge towards each other.
Suddenly, the Pocket Rocket finally hits the ring. Or perhaps more accurately, it strikes the buff El Genio Verde squarely in the back, sending him flying fifty feet into the air. With a roar, the rocket explodes, and fireworks start popping in the sky.
Krypto: Goodness! El Genio Verde is flying, and everything is a mess!
Ramparty: WOOOOOOO! HELL YEAH! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA!
El Genio Verde twists his body once, twice, three times! Four times! Five times? Six times?! Seven times?! Eight times! Nine times! Ten times! He flips ten times! And all the while he screams at the top of his lungs! And suddenly, all too suddenly, he falls and crash lands directly on top of Dr. Anderson.
The referee dives in to count the cover.
The bell rings.
Neptune: Here is your winner, El Genio Verde!
Krypto: Finally, mercifully, this one is over. That match was out-of-this-world.
Ramparty: Talk about chaos, K-Fed! I loved it!
Dr. Anderson looks furious as he stomps to the back. Batti pops up from under the ring and looks around, snaps a selfie, and skips away. Meanwhile, El Genio Verde seems to have returned to his normal, limp self as he and Puta climb onto the hovercraft and float away.
Krypto: Stay tuned, earthlings! There's plenty more All Stars where that came from, for better or for worse!
This segment is sponsored in part by mashup songs. "All Star" by Smash Mouth has been a staple to the shows for a while now, and it wouldn't feel like All Stars without including it in some way.
So here is a nostalgic, almost bittersweet mashup of "All Star" and "Wake Me Up When September Ends".
We here at Creative have feels, too. Yaz rubs one out here and there and it gets sticky.
Neptune : Ladies and gentlemen, the following contest is scheduled for one fall.
Introducing first, Sambuca FamŪlia Church in Bacardilona, Spain, "The Canman" Brandi Converts....
Brandi walks out to party, handing out mini-bottles of alcohol out to the audience. While climbing the steps, she pulls out a wine glass (whilst still holding the other drink in her hand, somehow) that's filled to the brim with a nice bottle of Merlot. She fills her mouth with wine before spitting it high into the air, bathing herself in the wine. She climbs the turnbuckles and does the same, except she drenches the crowd in the front row instead.
Neptune: And her opponent, from the Hilary Swank Ballroom at the Marriot in beautiful downtown Seattle, weighing a lean 8000-ish pounds including significant others, the open-bar Christmas party at the mid-sized marketing firm your girlfriend works for!
Surprisingly No one comes out much to audience's dismay while Neptune stands confused in the ring.
About ten minutes after the scheduled start time, the bulk of the party starts filtering out to the ring.
Krypto: This is such a sheer insult of the audience.
Ramparty: Yes, it is damn insulting. But still it's better late than never...
Krypto: Oh... Of course.
As soon as the bell rings, some more members of the party enter the ring. They all start chit-chating with each other while taking drinks too. Brandi stands there perplexed while holding a drink in her hand.
Ramparty: What the hell is going on in this ring?
Krypto: That's what All-Stars is all about. You never get to know what is happening in the ring.
Much to audience's displeasure, Brandi joins the party and starts exchanging drinks with the party. The party is excited to have a new member and thus start throwing Brandi just like a child. The audience is totalky in shock and don't hesitate to voice their displeasure.
"We Want Wrestling"
"We Want Wrestling"
The chants make Brandi remember that she has outwrestle and defeat her opponent which is the multi-person party. As soon as the party throws her up in the air, she executes a cross body and thus everyone falls on the mat. Brandi takes a sip off her drink and plays with the crowd who are happy to see the action getting started.
Krypto: Thank God, the match has started.
Ramparty: Exactly. Let's see how Brandi handles this many opponents on her own.
She starts hitting Champagne Shower on everyone thus momentarily destabilizing the vision of their eyes with that signature champagne spitting. Next she unloads her opponents with Beer Battered knocking out her oponents with spinning backfist of hers.
Krypto: That's like a true fighter.
The audience is cheering Brandi for such a great performance. Brandi starts drinking while taking some rest. She then starts hitting her finisher Last Call on each member of the party as soon as he gets on his feet. This finisher featuring a Reverse Roundhouse Kick knocks out cold every opponent. She then makes a pile of all her opponents and then hits
Moonshiner on all of them together. She gets too tired and then falls on the pile of her opponents for the pin.
Click for Spoiler:
Neptune: Tonight's main event is like no other ever seen before, and will be an Atlantean Gang Bang Match for the Paperweight Championship !!!
Krypto: ...is that an ashtray?
Neptune: This contest will be contested under the 7 Minutes in Heaven Rule. That means each opponent has exactly 7 minutes to pick up the last pinfall or submission. It is a free-for-all similar to King Of The Hill matches. There will be no count-outs, disqualification, snide remarks comparing it to Championship Scrambles, or Anglerfish in attendance. Sorry dudes, you're kind of being a killjoy.
Neptune: Right then, I present to you all the Atlantean Gang Bang !!!
Fred makes his way to the ring, scanning the crowd and grunting. He has a slight limp as he drags one leg behind him. He climbs the turnbuckle to wave at the crowd but falls off and lands hard on the outside of the ring.
Neptune: Hailing from the Homicide Division in Miami Beach Florida, he currently weighs 190 pounds but that changes quite a bit, anyway...Detective Fred Corpsin!! Corpsin!
Ramparty: Bro this is some good Kraken Kush. Dude like walking really slow like a zombie.
Krypto: He is a zombie, Ram. A zombie detective.
The Man! walks to the ring.
Neptune: The Man who has accomplished everything, The Man!
Krypto: I heard he can swim on land.
Ramparty: I heard behind his beard there is another beard.
Cohen: I heard he can break the laws of trans dimensional travel, pulling people from one world into the next like a vacuum.
Copeland: I heard he gave Neptune an Atone Cold Stunner.
Ramparty: Who the fuck are you guys!? Are you a talking sea bass?
And just like that Sebastian Copeland and Jack Cohen disappeared to their own time and canon.
SCOTT STEINER WALKS DOWN TO THE RING AND GETS IN. HE BATHES IN THE HEAT AND KISSES HIS BEAUTIFUL BICEPS MWAH MWAH HE DOESN'T GIVE A DAMN.
Neptune: From A WELL EDUCATED UNIVERSITY, SCOTT STEINER !!!
Ramparty: This guy may be too weird for All Stars.
Krypto: I'm not sure I know what cartoon or video game Scott Steiner is from, but he does love using All Caps, doesn't he? Must be a created character. RPG maybe.
The floor on the stage separates in two as Madden rises up with his arms spread. Gleefully, he laughs at the chorus of boos raining down upon himself as he trots towards the ring. Jet boosters from his palms and the soles of his feet propel him up and over the ropes in a feat of pseudo athleticism no cruiserweight could ever hope to match. He lands with grace, flipping around the ring Neville/Ibushi/Ricochet style with the assistance of his jets until his music stops.
Neptune: From The IWC, weighing one metric ton, M.A.D. MK-Madden!
Ramparty: What unholy machine has God created???
Krypto: Whatever it is, it sure does like the flippies.
The lights go out. Bells start to ring. There is a panda and it is eating bamboo.
Neptune: From Heaven, I give to you Coco The Panda !!!
Krypto: And we have another wrestler from heaven. Seems God is an All Stars fan.
Click for Spoiler:
Ramparty: I wanna party with this guy. That is a guy in a costume, right???
He walks up to the stage, hands clasped above his head, shaking vigorously as if he's won a trophy. He walks down to the ring insisting on shaking the hands of everybody on the front row before stumbling awkwardly into the ring and standing there grinning inanely with his hands on his hips.
Neptune: And from hazy Jagerbomb-induced memories, Mr. Last Friday Night !!!
Ramparty: I hate this fucking guy. I came here to have a good time and this shithead has to remind me of when I tried to kiss Regina George in the 3rd Grade. The whole class laughed. It was Valentine's Day and I was a kid, douchebag!
Krypto: This explains your deep involvement with Burnett's and Smirnoff.
Ramparty: Nah. Back then it was cough syrup and Elmer's Glue.
The monkey runs to the ring and proceeds to try and bite people.
Neptune: RUN! IT'S THAT MONKEY WITH AIDS !
Krypto: It's time we left...
Ramparty: I agree.
The commentary team leave their table to try and seek shelter. Atlantean EMTS and SECURITY attempt to subdue the primate, but to no avail. There is widespread panic as the bell starts the match. The timer begins as well.
DING DING DING!!!
Inside the ring, SCOTT STEINER and MK-Madden team up in an unlikely alliance to knock The Man! out of the ring. The Man! doesn't go over the ropes- the ropes go over The Man!. Coco The Panda eats bamboo and watches Mr. Last Friday Night explain to Fred Corpsin that his dad owns a wine brewery and that he should really, really, really check it out sometime. This gets on Fred's nerves and so Fred bites the fuck out of Mr. Last Friday Night. That Monkey With Aids is zipping through the crowd right now and there is blood.
From well above the arena, Ramparty and Krypto call the match from their submarine.
Ramparty: There is such thing as partying too hard. A deranged animal with a sexually transmitted disease is definitely where I draw the line.
Krypto: Oh god I can hear the screams.
Coco The Panda gets up and rakes Fred Corpsin's back. It came off easily being rotted out and all. The Man! climbs out of the ring by his own omission to grab some electric eels in the audience. Terrified, they do all they can to get That Monkey's attention so they could die a quick death instead of dealing with The Man!. MK-Madden turns heel and kicks SCOTT STEINER in his jiggly bits. The Big Bad Booty Daddy goes down like the Titanic. The audience eats it up and in turn That Monkey eats them up. Neptune is nowhere to be seen, leaving Atlantis in ruins just as one minute passes.
Mr. Last Friday Night is bleeding profusely, but not as bad as that one time he played the Finger Dance with his dad's authentic Bowie Knife and blamed it on a guy who looked like MK-Madden. This fucked with Madden severely, and it left his guard down for Last Friday Night to engage in a Slap Fight! He wanted no part in this, why won't this party dick leave him alone? This set up the ironic face turn and what is left of the crowd cheered him on. Madden said "Fuck It" on live TV and nailed Mr. Last Friday Night with Book Your Way Out of This One!! He goes for the pin!!!
And as the 3 ! was about to happen, The Man! rushes in with a bola made of eels. He swings them into Madden's face and paralyzes him. The Man! pins both Madden and Last Friday night with one foot.
The Man! is the Paperweight Champion! The clock continues to run down.
SCOTT STEINER is up and gives the panda a Belly to Belly Suplex. He sees that The Man! is the disputed champion, and gives him a Belly to Belly Suplex. That Monkey With AIDS finally finds itself in the ring and gets a Belly to Belly Suplex! The panda is up and is the fourth victim of a Belly to Belly Suplex!! Big Poppa Pump is spamming the fuck out of his Belly to Belly Suplex as he grabs Last Friday Night and Madden in a bearhug before tossing them over. He does some push ups.
Krypto: See? Told you he was a video game character. He just button mashed a move over and over again.
Ramparty: Huh. Well when you're right, you're right.
Distracted, Frank Corpsin elicits bad zombie breath on to the wrestler. Rotten Flesh Breath! But before Frank could pin SCOTT, The Man! comes alive and touches Frank with his pinky. Corpsin goes down like, well, a corpse. That Monkey leaps onto The Man!'s shoulders and they have a talk. The diseased primate is working with The Man! now! Coco The Panda gives Madden a Lou Thesz Press which made Madden cry in joy and in pain. That Monkey and The Man! tackle Last Friday Night after Mr. Last Friday Night urged them to get in touch with that one girl they haven't talked to in 10 years who was really nice but they weren't ready to settle just yet so now she probably has a few kids and let herself go but hey bittersweet memories it doesn't hurt to call, right?
Ramparty: He depresses the hell out of me.
While The Man! and That Monkey were busy with Last Friday Night, Coco The Panda pinned Madden using his fat furry ass.
Coco gets a pinfall victory over Mark Madden! Coco is now the Paperweight Champion. That Monkey With AIDS leaves the ring to terrorize the few who stayed to watch the Main Event. Frank Corpsin went back to SCOTT STEINER's body and ate his brains. SCOTT STEINER is dead now and is not coming back. The Man! grabs the electric eels again and lashes out at the panda. He ties the eels into a noose and begins to hang the endangered animal.
Ramparty: R.I.P. Coco.
Krypto: This was once a cheerful event.
Now that there is no audience left, That Monkey With AIDS crawls back into the ring, sees SCOTT STEINER's corpse, and nibbles on him. The mix of AIDS, steroids, and zombie saliva transform That Monkey into a Super Monkey! Super Monkey With AIDS attacks The Man!, Monkey's Paw!!!! The canvas shakes and allows The Man! to fall on top of it. The Super Monkey has no concept of sportsmanship or contests, so he doesn't know he is pinning him. Instead he squats on his chest while playing with a needle.
And with the count of three Needles the Monkey With AIDS is now the Paperweight Champion!
Ramparty: Revenge for Harambe!
Krypto: I don't think Chuck Norris did anything to Harambe.
Ramparty: That's what the government wants you to think. Wake up sheeple.
Mr. Last Friday Night is back up, and takes the needle away from Needle and stabs him in the chest just like that one time Needle's ex had consumed a large quantity of Coke and was having a seizure at Glenn Cocoa's place and he almost called the cops but thankfully Last Friday Night was there to save the ex's life because he watched Pulp Fiction that one time and wouldn't shut up about it. Super Monkey Needles fell in a heap on top of The Man!, but before the unnamed referee could start a pincount, MK-Madden used his rocket boosters to char and then push SCOTT STEINER's decomposing body on top of Needles. The referee was about to count for the deceased when the panda wauled MK-Madden...Madden staggers close to the pile of bodies when Mr. Friday night comes out of nowhere with a Being informed that you frequently act like a dick - B.I.T.Y.F.A.L.A.D (Goddamn what a mouthful). The punt splits MK-Madden's head in half, releasing steam, diesel, and Antonio Cesaro's potential. Shawn Michael's smile was nowhere to be seen. Mr. Friday Night and Coco The Panda stare each other down. Mr. Friday Night tries to guilt trip the panda, but the panda doesn't ever party. All it does is eat bamboo and wrestle. He's at a loss as Coco lifts him up and drops him with a Hunger Blow! Coco The Panda lies on top of the garbage we call All Stars wrestlers and the referee begins the count.
Click for Spoiler:
Please give a round of applause for those that made the show possible. It almost wasn't. Your eyes might have been spared. Sorry about that.
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Other Stuff: Me
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