Mason Westhoff (Thriller)
This is another great RP from you. What's awesome about your writing, is that you don't ever go into mountains and mountains of detail about every minute thing. I think I personally have the tendency to be overly verbose. But this is not something that you suffer from. Your writing is clear, concise and understandable. I was really impressed.
The other thing about your writing, is that it is really readable. At no point in your work do I ever feel as though I am getting bored or looking for the end. I think you break your work up in a way that it never becomes boring and I am always interested with what is happening.
As for the content, it was really good. The alliance between you and GM is really interesting but to what end? I especially liked the part with brother Jacobs and where that is going? Could we be seeing Jacobs return at the Lottery? I think so. Still, everything had it's place and there was a concurrent theme running through the entire piece.
Some things I didn't really “get” were; firstly, I didn't understand the significance of the first part of the RP. Was it just that Westhoff was upset at losing? I liked the imagery that you conjured but I didn't really see it was in there. Secondly, I see that you switch between past and present tense at some points in your writing. Here's an example:
In spite of that, it was a good RP. I fully expect it to win.
I haven't had time to get to anyone else yet. I'll get it posted as soon as I can.
- Your writing is very good, as always. The section introducing us to Evan a perfect example of it.
- Is the person in the next section talking to Sam supposed to be Rush? If so, you messed up your tagging later in the RP.
- I get the idea of the press conference, but I don’t know if it was strong enough to stand alone as the main scene of the RP. It would’ve had more impact if you had a promo scene talking about how you could manipulate a crowd of people much more easily than Constantine.
- Snowballing off of the previous idea, I felt that Evan ended up being kind of unessential to the RP. You easily could have had Sam run into Evan after the press conference and show his true colors that way. I really think this is a case of having all the right pieces, just not using them to their full potential.
- I am enjoying the slow build for the Chelsea story. You keep it moving forward, without making it the focus until you are ready for it to be.
Let me just qualify it by saying that I've never read any of you guys' work until this point. So If anything doesn't make sense to you, it's probably my fault, to be honest.
Okay, here we go.
The first thing I noticed, is that you guys have a distinct lack of description in your RP's. People are generally split into two groups on here; 'People that love description' and 'People that hate description'. Unfortunately, I belong to the former and I just don't think that there was enough in here. It left a lot to the imagination and sometimes that's not necessarily a good thing, you know? Your job as the author, is to paint a picture for the reader. For example, I had no idea that it was night time in the RP until they tried to get in the pool. That's something you might want to look at in the future.
The second thin I noticed was that you guys have a tendency to write each other's characters in different ways. I think you guys need to find a balance in your characters and make sure that everyone involved knows what their role is. If Dustin is going to be the problem drinker and the loose canon, then Blaze needs to be his handler; that's how it's got to work. There is no point in you both being loose canons because there is no room for development in that.
Still, these were good tag RP's. I'm not going to blow smoke up your asses and tell you that they were the best I've ever seen. But as far as a new tag team goes, you've got a lot of potential and I seen flashes of that throughout your work. For instance, you guys write really naturally for each other. You have a control of your characters and a shared vision. Both of those things will make it a lot easier to write a tag RP in the future.
What I will say, is that you guys should focus your work a little bit more. At times, I felt as though I was just reading a conversation with no purpose to it whatsoever. I think in future, it would be wise of you to really drive home a central theme in your RP's. I know that you are finally working as a team in this match but that's no reason to waffle. I also noticed some typos and some formatting errors but that's just part and parcel of RP'ing, I suppose.
Still, this was a good joint-RP and I have a feeling that you'll pick up the win. If you need help writing tag RP's or focussing more on a theme, just send me a PM and I can give you some help if required.
Carnival of Carnage
- Iíll just put these together to make it easy on myself. There were a few typos, mostly in Hollywoodís, nothing major, just some that a quick double check couldíve caught.
- I appreciate the recap at the start of the second RP. Itís a good way to make sure we get the plot line from the first RP and know itís continuing.
- My biggest problem with these RPs, and let me first say that Iím not sure the gimmick you two are going for with this team, is that Dustin and Brent come off like a couple of kids that need Alexis to babysit them. You may want them to be something like that, but you need to add something to the gimmick so I am actually intimidated by them, rather than laughing at them. You both have shown that you can write well; now put some thought into the gimmick.
- Once again, Iím combining the two. I love the idea of both of you confessing to Liam that you believe the losing streak is your fault. Having that third person is a nice way to do character development without relying on your partner.
- You both have such a grasp on your characters that even in this mini-slump youíve been in, you can both use it to your advantage in a match like this.
- The only real issue I have is that I wish them agreeing to use their frustration to fix whatís going on wouldíve ended the RP instead of the message from Saxton. The focus was on the frustration both men were feeling, and I wouldíve liked to see them talking it out be the ending, since that is what you both seemingly were building to.
- I havenít read one of your RPs in a while, so forgive me if I miss something.
- Constantine comes off quite faceish in here. I donít know how intentional that was, if you are considering a turn, or if it is just the product of a heel/heel match, but it could be something to explore.
- NPCs can often fall into the trap of only existing to set up lines for the actual character, but Mia was very well-written and had quite a bit of depth to her. I really enjoy reading NPCs when they are done well.
- Kind of like The Bearded Gents, I love how you used adversity in your favor in this RP. I know you couldnít have imagined The Empire ending this shittily, but you made in into a very good RP. Crock had a great run, but you definitely earned this title win. Congrats, champ.
Right, so like I said, FEEDBACK FOR EVERYONE! Starting off with the Tag Team Title match.
- This is sad, however, there's still an element of humour, especially with the snot. The Uncle Louie stuff is borderline disturbing, however, it works.
-Your writing has improved vastly since you started.
- I want to see a relationship between Gent & Beard. They seem close enough. And we get a bowel movement that looks like a Robot. Genius.
- This RP is so feelgood, I think it's great. And then we move into the song, which has killed me laughing.
- The poem at the end's a great touch, really well done.
- Overall, a really nice RP Theo. With Gent's, they go perfectly side by side.
Le Gentleman Masque
- This RP is different to Theo's in a way that it's down to the point about the match. I like that you're both focused on something different, yours being the match.
- But we've still got Beard Is The Word! Wouldn't be right if it wasn't in it.
- Gent's angry and well, hopefully it doesn't play on his mind too much as we go into the Title match.
- Phew, for a second I thought we'd seen the end of the mask! I'm glad that you didn't.
- Compared to the rest of the RP's in this match, these two are shorter, yet I think they're both succinct.
- I do like your RP's, always have. "Revenge is edible?" is a great quote. As much as I know Barbosa & SHIT are both coloured in blue, I'm still confusing myself.
- Hah, Cash It Dolph. Must be a great show, pretty short though?
- So far, I feel like your description is a little bit lacking. Nothing against you, there's just certain things that seem like they're missing the odd bit of description here & there.
- It's Barbosa's birthday? Congratulations, I'm enjoying this part of the story.
- The "when is your activation date" part is brilliant. This flashback scenario to when SHIT was created, to see how he's changed now really helps you to see his story.
- Great RP Miko, I like this a lot.
- I like the way you start off your RP by recapping SHIT's, with the party scene. I also like that where SHIT moves straight to the finish of the party, you show us everything that's happened in between.
- The psychiatrist is a nice addition to the story.
- I thought, once we got into the party/psychiatrist scenes, this was going to be very serious, but you've even managed to put the humour in when you say "This is SHIT".
- There's an underlying tone of funny going through the conversation. If you meant it, great, if not, then you've done something strange.
- Overall, if this was between Technosa & Bearded Gents, I'd pick you two. However, we will now move onto SaxoSab's RPs.
- I already wanna know what Fluxtonium is. Sounds cool. I cracked up at the "Blackademy" part.
- Oh, so Fluxtonium's gonna help you go back in time?
- This time travel thing is genius, I really like it. You've actually given us a story to enjoy and you've got back years to do it, which is again, brilliant.
- I think that this story is getting better and better, but wait, if you're Fakename McGillicutty, then who's Saboteur? I kid, I like the name and the fact he's fallen for it cracks me up.
- All the way up to the end, this has been a great story, absolutely brilliant. The fact it's going to carry on in Saxton's RP has me moving straight onto it.
- The first part that really gets me is the "Take 57" part, because just before that, asking if he wants to be an actor or not, you'd assume he was on Take 1.
- Smith isn't having much luck now, is he? First, his acting starts to fall a bit flat, now he's afraid of robots with personality disorders. This is great writing though.
- The speech leading up to Saxton's confidence is great & Fakename really knows how to put him right, leading into some great acting.
- Coming back to the present and it's like nothing ever happened, but the emotion's there, which is why it works.
- From the two of you, some great RP's. I think you may have this one in the bag.
So, we move from the Tag Title match, onto the Lottery.
- Awesome RP, you're gonna win it.
- First thing I think of, what are Hunter/Blaze doing in Michigan on a sunny afternoon? Going dogging? Playing tennis? The description needs to be there!
- There's no point in arguing with Blaze if you're partners. Conversation comes over a little bit like you're Robots talking, but not like SHIT.
- Is it just me or do the two of you come across like teenagers?
- There's a story going on here, which isn't bad. It could do with some tweaking, but I'm not sure on what.
- Compared to what I've read, this is pretty short. I wouldn't call it a LL winning RP, but I would call it a match winning RP.
- The Prologue is brilliant and we're only on the first of 5 parts. I'm not too sure that looking at falling into obscurity would come from losing the Lethal Lottery, but if that's what you think, it's down to you.
- Woah, that's a big part in the Revelation. Chelsea's pregnant, which means that Sam's going to become a Father. However, this does have me hooked.
- The start to Consequences is emotional, in a good way. But the ending is even more emotional, seeing Sam's father in the condition that he's in.
- It's nice to see Sam take the main role in the Epilogue, with a simple, yet very effective interview.
- Overall, this is a great RP and it puts you up as a contender to win the match.
- I feel like the way you've done this RP, with the dates and everything has been lifted from mine, but maybe you already had it planned.
- You need to make sure that you're using the correct version of words, you've used the wrong "there/they're/their" a few times and it is off putting.
- The first part of the RP that actually makes me want to read it is "The Day After Aftershock". The first two parts are a little bit, blech. I once wrote an RP for a tag match with Black Dragon, which basically took his RP and reworded it through the eyes of Scumm. Needless to say, it was shit.
- Alexis is a good character and you know how to write her well.
- WZCW House Show? I never knew we had "Local opponents" and they are sort of usually only used in squash matches. I kinda feel like you're writing it so you're fighting two members of the WZCW Roster, just nameless.
- The phone call is confusing. You're talking to someone, then you're talking to multiple people.
- The ending to the RP is good, better than the rest of it. However, I'm not too sure why you're going all the way up to the Lottery itself. It's cool. but too predictable
- Can I say I've been looking forward to this? Dustin Hunter should take lessons in descriptive writing from you. It's absolutely brilliant.
- The first section is a mixture of some great descriptions, mixed in with some nice conversation material. The fact you've pulled off a conversation with your dog is awesome.
- I think the way that Bob looks at the Lottery is brilliant, with the little glimpses into the past, even remembering that you have allies as well as enemies.
- Like I said to Hunter, I think this is more of a match winning RP, rather than a LL RP, however, it's still a damn good RP.
- I'm not sure what I think of the opening interview with Klamor. Parts of it work, and parts don't. However, being doubted is a way to make sure that you have to prove yourself, so use that to your advantage.
- This is weird, the second part to your RP is awesome. The description at the start is awesome, it's like you've gone to hell to take part in an interview with the Devil's son (That's what I call Damien). The way you move from that into the part with Klamor at the end is nice and it sounds like a slight change in attitude to Flynn at the end, really wanting to make a difference.
- Keep an eye out for grammar/spelling mistakes, they're possible from anyone, but just make sure!
- A well written piece though.
- Description, very nice. You've probably guessed I'm a sucker for it now, and yours is good.
- There's a "their" instead of "they're", but I almost didn't notice it because I'm really enjoying reading this. Krypto's this character that shouldn't work, but really does.
- The sexual side of Krypto coming out here is killing me, it's great. But he seems to like everyone.
- Oh my god, I've just started to read the gameshow part and I think you're the first person who's made me laugh more then SaboSax.
- There's a slight dip in quality when the conversation start with Missy. It starts of a bit weird, but it gradually makes more sense.
- You bring it all back down to normal when you finish and I must say, this has been a great RP. You'll certainly be making a surprise in the LL.
- The idea of FluX is brilliant, as I've already told you.
- The fact you could go through so much of an RP without even featuring a word from Constantine, but make it so interesting is the proof of a good writer.
- I love the Constantine interview though, because I'm interested to know what his game plan is. You've done that thing where you get our attention, but stop talking before we know too much, which annoys me so much.
- It's a great RP though, really well done man, as always. Just don't do that tl;dr thing.
- I started reading this and I thought Sandy was giving birth.
- Interesting opening to the RP, but very well written. Great conversation between Michelle & Sandy, quite emotional in a way, but not too much.
- At least there's a little joke in there, I needed something to lighten that up.
- Like I've mentioned earlier, I'm not a fan of the House Show thing. Who are you facing? Where I could see Sandy facing a local competitor rather than Blaze, it's still a bit of a strange one to me.
- However, great interview with Becky at the end, and perfectly written. Brings the whole RP to a great end, well done on that.
- I love this idea. It's something I've seen you do before, but it's still unique and works great when you RP.
- You annoy me at how good you are with descriptions and just making it feel like something I could genuinely sit and watch on a Wrestling programme. I can totally get behind sitting down, watching Raw and seeing this in a backstage promo.
- The way that you also link the religious text to your RP is a nice touch.
- It's long, but by no means does it get boring. It's absolutely brilliant and you are definitely a massive contender to win this thing.
- Or should I say, "Brother" Mason Westhoff?
- One of your longer RP's I see This is why I think you're one of the better RP'ers around here actually. You manage to keep them short, but to the point, meaning you win things.
- The conversation with Jacobs is nice, well written.
- Lastly, the ending is nice, but the focus on the Lottery seems to have been lost a little bit. Good RP though.
- I was expecting an essay of an RP to read here, luckily, it's not that bad.
- The premise for this is smart, and something that I can actually sit down and, if I close my eyes, imagine quite well.
- I think the way you talk about the past, with the use of images only throughout. Also, you've only used yourself, which is great, because it's hard to pull an RP off with nobody else being in it.
- I love this RP, like mad. It's got potential to make a few waves in the match, good luck man.
- Why so short? This is kinda strange, not something I'd have expected from you!
- Strangely, it's pretty funny. In a silly way mind.
- Being so short, there's not much I can say. It's obviously not a winning RP, is that what you were planning on doing?
- Dude, where do you get the inspiration for your RP's from? These things are mad, but in the best way possible.
- A talking pickle. It's cool, we've got an Alien and a Robot, so a Pickle's good.
- I think we just found out that Alhazred's a virgin. That got me the most, that was hilarious.
- If there's one thing I have to say, you really know how to write. It's a great RP man, well done.
Thanks to Theo!
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