The Trump Effect
The man known as Envious Dominous is a simple man, with simple needs of his environment. Everyday he wakes up to his alarm clock which usually plays Paninaro by The Pet Shop Boys, only today is different. Today, a speech by Donald Trump shocks Envious awake.
"So many lies and painfully absurd assertions. I want make conversation about these things, but reflecting on Donald Trump makes me feel dead inside." Envious said out loud as he lay in bed with his eyes open.
"Did you say something dear?" said Kathy Bates who lies slightly hung over next to her booty call.
"Oh no, I said nothing. I uhh, need to get ready for work!" Envious said before leaping out of bed and heading straight for the shower.
Upon opening the shower curtain, a nude Donald Trump stands in the shower causing Envious' nerves to seize up. Envious Dominous collapses on the cold tile floor in a fetal position.
"Not there, not there, not there!" he exclaims to himself.
"What's not there?" said Helen Mirren from inside the shower.
Envious Dominous peeks through his own fingers to see that his legal wife Helen Mirren is taking a shower.
"I need to just put on my fancy business attire and go straight to work!" Envious Dominous said before frantically getting dressed and leaving his lavish shanty.
Envious Dominous gets into his hot pink pinto and meditates for a brief moment before starting the car.
"My therapist and I have been over this. I CAN ignore Donald Trump. I can go a day without having to discuss why I hate Donald Trump. I'm a winner, I'm a go-getter, the world is mine!" Envious Dominous said to himself before cheerfully cranking up his car causing the radio to turn on automatically.
"Donald Trump had some strange things to say at his latest rally and..." a newscaster began to say.
"LEAVE ME ALONE!!" Envious Dominous shrieks before punching his radio causing it and the bones of his fist to shatter.
"Oh no! My car is a stick! WHY DOES EVERYTHING BAD ALWAYS HAPPEN TO ME!" Envious Dominous cried before angrily exiting his vehicle.
Envious Dominous sits at a nearby bus stop mumbling to himself. Crocker sees Envious Dominous and decides to sit beside him though Crocker as usual has no need to go anywhere or do anything.
"So about Donald Trump!" Crocker shouts into Envious' ear.
"GO AWAY!" Envious shouts before holding his face in his hands.
"You know who I wish would go away? That Donald Trump!" Crocker said.
"I... don't... want... to... talk... about..." Envious began to say.
"Donald Trump!? Neither do I, that's why when it comes to Donald Trump I..." Crocker also began to say.
"STOP TALKING ABOUT DONALD TRUMP!!" Envious Dominous shrieks before leaping to his feet. The bus finally approaches sending a wave of relief through his system.
"Thank God!" Envious Dominous rejoiced.
The bus pulls up, showing a sprawling ad for Donald Trump 2016 on the side.
"THERE IS NO GOD!!" Envious Dominous shouted.
Envious storms onto the bus.
"EVERYONE OFF THE BUS NOW! NO TIME TO EXPLAIN!" Envious shouted maniacally.
The commuters and the bus driver hurriedly exit through the back and front exits of the bus. Envious takes the wheel and gradually brings to bus to a comfortable speed of 120 miles per hour.
"Oh no! I missed my turn!" Envious shouted to himself after missing his turn.
Envious slams on the brakes and pulls the wheel to the left, causing the bus to tip over onto its side and careen toward a large nearby rally. Miraculously, the bus stops just before the confused crowd.
Envious climbs onto the top side of the bus.
"IT'S OKAY! I'M JUST TRYING TO GET TO WORK! I'M AN IMPORTANT BUSINESS MAN!" Envious shouted to the confused crowd.
Envious looks in horror as the crowd is attending an outdoor Donald Trump rally.
"Look at this loser!" Donald Trump said.
"I am NOT a loser!" Envious shouted back.
"What's that loser!? I don't speak loser-ese!" Donald retorted allowing the crowd to laugh hysterically in reaction to his cleverness.
"There's no such language! I refuse to be ridiculed by you!" Envious shouted.
"Why don't you come say that to my face big guy!?" Donald responded.
Envious charges through the crowd. "OH BELIEVE ME! I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS FOR A LONG TIME!" he screamed while pushing past amused crowd goers.
Envious is picked up by a helpful member of the crowd, and thrown onto the stage. Envious stands up and faces his arch nemesis, Donald Trump. Envious breathes heavily while eyeing his foe.
"Well!?" Donald asked.
Envious looks at the crowd and feels inspiration rage from within his bowels.
"EVERYBODY IN THE 313, THROW YOUR MOTHERFUCKING HANDS WHERE MY EYES CAN SEE!" Envious shouted to the crowd. The crowd stands in confused silence.
"Do you want to try that again?" Donald asked.
"Look, I'm just going to be honest here. You're a successful business man, and you've done great things and..." Envious began to say to a horrified crowd.
"Did you just pee your pants!?" Donald asked pointing to Envious' now soaked nether-region.
"There you go again! You just find the most superficial reasons to criticize someone!" Envious shouted.
"I'm sixtynine years old, and I have better bladder control than you!" Donald shouted.
"Being president isn't about bladder control! It's about making wise executive decisions while adhering to federal and international law! You can't just alienate groups of people in hopes that you'll galvanize a voter base! If you assume office; you'll have destroyed any opportunity to appeal to constituents of whom you've assassinated their character, and you'll betray your base when you fail to make good on promises that would have violated the bill of rights." Envious said.
"Here, speak into the microphone." Donald said handing a microphone to Envious.
"Oh good grief!" Envious said taking the microphone. "There, can you people hear me now?" Envious asked.
"YOU PEOPLE!?" a fat bald white guy shouted from the crowd.
"Good. Now then. Being the Commander in Chief of a military which receives more funding than the combined military funding of its seven closest world powers requires a mind that can maturely address the differing socioeconomic environments of the various cultures of the world. You can't defeat an idea like terror by carpet bombing entire swathes of land, tactics like oppression and humiliation only inspire your enemies to take up arms against a brutal world power. At the very least you should recognize avoiding war is not a sign of weakness, but a sign of strength through the wisdom to yield and not justify your emotions with violence." Envious said.
"Should I yield before or after I pee my pants?" Donald said causing the crowd to erupt with cheers and laughter.
"And then there's how you just think this election is about who can cough up the best zingers. Being a great president doesn't mean being the most entertaining president. Commanding the highest office of our federal government doesn't mean being the host of a late night talk show. While voters are human -- and therefore prone to foolish impulse -- it's up to you to be mature enough to ignore the temptation of cheap appeal and prove to those of us who at least cared enough to earn a collegiate degree that you intend to manage this country with a clear understanding of your vocational capabilities." Envious said to the very confused crowd.
"Did you get your degree in peeing your pants from the C-U-P frat?" Donald asked causing the crowd to laugh hysterically and high five each other.
"Fine, disrespect me. It's fair enough for someone like you to take pity on someone like me. I just ask that you show some decorum and respect this nation's elected officials. They at least deserve to be recognized as more than just "nice" people. Our nation's Senators and Governors brought hope and peace of mind to entire states of our federation, and applied their reputations to a system that grants the positions afforded to them by a mandate from individual citizens." Envious said.
"You know, you're a nice guy. You're such a nice guy. Let's give a hand to this nice guy." Donald said prompting the crowd to golf clap.
"HAVE YOU BEEN LISTENING TO A SINGLE WORD I'VE SAID!?" Envious shrieked to the amusement of the crowd.
"Something about going to pee your pants university?" Donald said.
Envious rushes toward Donald Trump screaming "STOP BETRAYING ME!!" before being detained by security.
There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so. - Hamlet
Last edited by enviousdominous : 12-22-2015 at 08:06 AM.
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