And Then There Were None
13 candidates for the Republican nomination for President of the United States of America sit awkwardly in a small green room of the Venetian Hotel in Las Vegas while waiting for their queue to exit the room and begin engaging reporters just before another big debate.
Donald Trump: Billionaire, WWE Hall of Famer and gold toilet enthusiast.
Ben Carson: World renowned neurosurgeon, published author and professional belt stabber.
Jeb Bush: Former Florida Governor, oil tycoon and legacy to a family of lovable dorks.
Chris Christie: New Jersey Governor, respected lawyer and record holder for world's fattest baseball player.
Ted Cruz: Texas Senator, former solicitor general and back-up voice actor for The Simpsons.
Carly Fiorina: First female executive at AT&T, first woman to be named CEO of a Forbes top 20 company and believer in the immortality of the Compaq brand name.
Lindsey Graham: South Carolina Senator, retired USAF Reserve Colonel and basis for the Buddy Cole character.
Mike Huckabee: Former Arkansas Governor, ordained minister and bass guitarist for the band Capitol Offense.
John Kasich: Ohio Governor, talk show host and managing director of Lehman Brothers.
George Pataki: Former New York Governor, winner of the 2008 Hungarian Legion of Merit and the least note-worthy candidate running for president in 2016.
Rand Paul: Kentucky Senator, ophthalmologist and most potent yawn generator in congressional history.
Marco Rubio: Florida Senator, University Professor and manic water addict.
Rick Santorum: Former Pennsylvania Senator, attorney and yet even he gets hemorrhoids.
The candidates sit on various sofas and chairs strewn along the wall and glance awkwardly in various directions as they've been locked in the cramped room for longer than they expected.
Ben turns to Donald Trump.
Ben Carson: Are you getting any bars Don?
Donald Trump: These green rooms get terrible phone reception. That's why I made it a point of my campaign to make all green rooms into wifi hotspots using the brilliant policies I've....
Ben turns to Carly Fiorina.
Ben Carson: Are you getting any bars Carly?
Carly Fiorina: You asked me that two minutes ago.
Ben Carson: And?
Carly huffs with frustration and paces around the center of the room mumbling angrily to herself.
Ted Cruz: Is there a problem Carly?
Carly Fiorina: You're damn right there's a problem. The problem is that we have to keep meeting up in these cramped rooms when it would be less cramped if some of you just dropped out of the election!
Mike Huckabee: Excuse me Carly, now wouldn't you do better by taking your own advice?
George Pataki: YEAH!
Carly Fiorina: Great! It's hot in here, we've got no phone reception and now I've got all of you meat heads ganging up on...
The lights suddenly go out.
Ben Carson: What?
The lights come back on, George Pataki lays on the floor with a large knife in his back.
Lindsey Graham: Well I guess you got your wish Carly!
Carly Fiorina: I've been standing here the whole time! Marc was sitting right next to him!
Everyone turns to look at Marco Rubio who is apparently sweating profusely.
Rand Paul: So what do you have to say Marc?
Marco Rubio gasps in an attempt to respond and desperately snatches a bottle of water out of Chris Christie's hand.
Chris Christie: HEY! I was about to drink that!
Marco downs the entire bottle of water and releases a relieved "aahhhh" before collapsing dead on top of George Pataki.
Everyone turns to look at Chris Christie.
Chris Christie: What?! I was about to drink that. Someone was trying to kill me, but killed Marc by mistake!
John Kasich: John Kasich everyone. There's no need to worry, because I saw precisely who gave that bottle of water to Chris Christie.
Everyone pauses for a minute staring at John Kasich.
Donald Trump: Well!?
John Kasich: Well what?
Rand Paul: Who poisoned the water John!? Give them up now!
The lights cut off once more, the sound of a drill is heard in the confused darkness. The lights come back on to reveal that nothing has apparently changed.
John Kasich: Hubala bum dee fortooba slump fling watanada spink door flush baroomp...
The other still living people in the room glance awkwardly at each other, except for Ben Carson who glares suspiciously at the blathering Governor.
John Kasich slumps to the ground, blood and clear liquid oozes slowly from his ears.
Jeb Bush: I have to say something about this. Ben Carson, you need to stop killing your political opponents.
Ben Carson stops staring menacingly at John Kasich suddenly and shows a look of terrified surprise.
Ben Carson: Where am I?
Lindsey Graham: You are at the scene of the crime Ben, the crime where you murdered three people. Only a neurosurgeon would kill someone by drilling their brains!
Ben Carson: The last thing I remember was sitting in my living room enjoying my rising poll numbers and petting my dear cat Mr. Poofybutt when the phone rang.
Carly Fiorina: A likely story!
Mike Huckabee: Come on everyone! Let's get him Arkansas style!
The candidates ready themselves to pile onto Ben Carson, who immediately pulls a knife from his belt and motions with his other hand for the first person to take a shot. Mike Huckabee casually tip toes to the back of the pack. The candidates eye each other to see who will attack first, when suddenly Mike Huckabee clutches his chest and slumps to the ground.
Ben Carson: Turn around everyone, Mike Huckabee has just fallen down.
Rand Paul: Oh give me a break!
Carly Fiorina: We weren't born yesterday Ben!
Chris Christie: I'm really gonna' fall for that one!
Ben Carson: I think he had a heart attack, he needs immediate CPR if you would just let me get behind you and...
Lindsey Graham: Nobody gets behind me unless they have a limo and a dime bag of blow!
Everyone in the room goes silent and stares awkwardly at Lindsey Graham, when their collective confusion is interrupted by the death groan of Mike Huckabee. The group turns to see a lifeless Mike Huckabee dead on the floor.
Ben Carson: I told you, now for all we know he was the murderer the whole time.
Donald Trump: He did die of natural causes, that's usually how the bad guy eventually dies.
Ted Cruz: We're sorry for doubting you Ben.
Chris Christie: I want to give you a great big hug to show just how sorry I really am.
Chris Christie begins giving a warm hug to Ben Carson when the lights go out once more, the lights come back on and Chris Christie's head is severed from his neck.
Ben Carson lets go of the lifeless body of Chris Christie allowing it to slump to the floor and steps back with a horrified expression.
Donald Trump: Where did his head go?
Ben Carson: I remember now! I remember who came to my home that day and hypnotized me! It was...
The lights cut off once more and quickly come back on. The body of Lindsey Graham sits on a sofa with the head of Chris Christie put onto the bloody stump that once held his own head.
Donald Trump: Oh, there it went. But what happened to Lindsey Graham's head?
Ben Carson: Lindsey... Graham? He must have been working for the real murderer then, or he would have killed me right then.
Ted Cruz: Well if you were hypnotized by the henchman of the killer, than you may still be the killer!
Donald Trump: Yeah!
Rick Santorum: Yeah!
Rand Paul: Yeah!
Jeb Bush: Yeah!
Carly Fiorina: Yeah!
Ben Carson: Yeah! Wait what?
The candidates once more poise to pounce on Ben Carson. Ben sighs with frustration and attempts to pull out his knife once more, only to find that it's missing.
Ben Carson: Hold up, everyone check your pockets for a second.
Everyone in the room stops for a moment to pull out their pockets.
Ben Carson: My knife is gone, I could have sworn that I left it in my belt.
Ben turns around to look around the room for his knife, the candidates gasp in horror as they see that it was left embedded in the back of Ben Carson's head.
Rand Paul: Ben! Someone stabbed your brain!
Ben Carson: Oh that's okay, I'll just use my backup brai....
Ben began to say before his lifeless body suddenly collapsed onto the floor.
Rick Santorum: This does not look good.
Donald Trump: Actually Rick, this looks great for you. You know you've always wanted to be a part of the big league in these debates!
Jeb Bush: You probably offed everyone here in some sick attempt to hang out with us front runners, and Rand Paul.
Rand Paul: Whoa there, I'm still in this race.
The living candidates in the room chuckle to themselves.
Ted Cruz: Look Randall, we have more pressing matters to attend to than your nose diving political campaign. Where did Chris Christie's head go?
Carly Fiorina: That's a good question, maybe it's in the fridge.
The candidates glare suspiciously at a small fridge in a corner of the room.
Rick Santorum: Well if it will make you jerks get off my back, I'll check the fridge.
Rand Paul: Oh shut up Rick, let someone who knows what they're doing get the job done.
Rand Paul walks up to the fridge and pulls the door open, the fridge explodes launching pieces of Rand Paul across the room and onto the remaining candidates.
Jeb Bush: Jesus, Rick! Did you have to make him a-splode all over the room!?
Donald Trump: This is some serious shit right here. I need a drink.
Donald goes toward a mini-bar at one end of the room to make a drink when he's stopped by Carly Fiorina.
Carly Fiorina: Donald, don't you see. This is what we've been talking about this entire time!
Donald Trump: Who are you again?
Carly Fiorina: Donald, it's been them. They've been trying to take us out because they're the Washington elite!
Rick Santorum: That is a load of bull!
Ted Cruz: The only people who've died here have been Washington elitists!
Jeb Bush: And Ben Carson.
Carly Fiorina: Do you hear that Donald!? They're trying to form a committee to stop our progress.
Donald Trump: I still don't see why I shouldn't have this drink.
Donald pours himself a glass of scotch and drinks it down, the candidates in the room look at him with horror. Donald cringes in pain and moans for two minutes.
Ted Cruz: Oh my god! They killed Donald Trump!
Donald Trump stands back up showing no discomfort.
Donald Trump: That's some damn fine Scotch, I think I'll have another.
Jeb Bush: You know what, I could use a drink too. Whiskey.
Ted Cruz: Yeah, me too. Same thing.
Rick Santorum: Me three. Brandy.
Carly Fiorina: I could drink for all of you at this point. I'll take a whiskey shot.
Donald happily pours liquor for all the current survivors and they toast their glasses.
Rick Santorum: To taking back the White House.
Ted Cruz: Hear hear!
The candidates down their liquors, and all of them buckle under the harsh flavor of their chosen drinks. The candidates gag and hack loudly until finally finding their composure, except for Rick Santorum who keels over dead.
Carly Fiorina: What did he have again?
The four remaining candidates look at the liquors with a confused look.
Jeb Bush: Didn't he have the same drink that all of us had? *hic*
Ted Cruz: What does it mean if poison has no effect on the rest of us?
Donald Trump: WE'RE IMMORTAL!
Carly Fiorina: No murderer can kill us now!
Donald Trump: Let's drink to immortality!
Carly Fiorina: Let me pour this time.
Carly pours three shots and hands them out to the three other candidates.
Jeb Bush: Where's yours Carly?
Jeb quickly knocks back his shot before being answered.
Ted Cruz: We're supposed to toast to something Jeb!
Donald Trump: Stop being such an asshole Ted! I mean, Jeb!
Jeb Bush hacks violently before falling dead.
Donald Trump and Ted Cruz stare at each other with looks of terror, when a loud *BANG!* is heard and a bullet rips through the head of Ted Cruz.
Carly Fiorina stands holding a smoking revolver while staring menacingly at Donald Trump.
Donald holds his shot out.
Donald Trump: You take it, I think I've had enough for one...
Carly slaps the shot glass out of Donald Trump's hand and laughs to herself while pacing around the room.
Donald Trump: So uh, big debate tonight huh?
Carly Fiorina: Don't worry Donald, I'm not going to kill you.
Donald Trump: That's pretty stupid, I just witnessed you killing all these people.
Carly Fiorina fires a round into the ceiling.
Donald Trump: Plus that ceiling might have had someone standing on the floor above it, you really didn't help matters by...
Carly Fiorina fires three more rounds into the ceiling before pointing the revolver at Donald Trump's crotch.
Carly Fiorina: Why don't you shut up and let someone else speak for a change!?
Donald raises his hands to surrender and shrugs his shoulders.
Carly Fiorina: It wasn't supposed to go this far Donald, you've inspired people to join your cause and pose a viable threat to the candidacy of my half-sister.
Donald Trump: Half-sister? Did your dad have sex with half of your mother?
Carly Fiorina: Hillary Clinton will be the next president of the United States of America, so help me God. But you had to energize the base.
Donald Trump: What does any of this have to do with your half-sister?
Carly sighs with frustration and fires a round into Donald Trump's crotch, causing the bullet to ricochet and enter Carly Fiorina's head.
Donald Trump: Trump brand jockstraps are the best in the world. They're amazing. A good guy with a gun is the best possible solution for a bad guy with a gun, but until you can find one a Trump brand jockstrap is the next best thing. I've stopped so many bullets with this thing, it's incredible. I make the best jock strap in the world.
A tv monitor blips off before retracting nosily into the ceiling. The candidates for the Republican nomination stare in horror from a giant round table in their lavish waiting room prior to attending their upcoming debate.
Donald Trump: Come on, shoot me in the balls. I dare you!
There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so. - Hamlet
Last edited by enviousdominous : 12-14-2015 at 04:57 PM.
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