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  #2301  
Old 07-10-2017, 10:45 PM
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Frank N Steins_Gate Frank N Steins_Gate is offline
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Andrew Adonis
(Doc)

First off sorry this is so late

Second i don't know how constructive this is going to be because i thought it was everything it needed to be and more.

The description was on point. You hyped up Vis Imperium while making it Crystal clear your main priority was Xander. While the content may have made some uncomfortable i loved it. I could picture a swanky private restaurant and it was Hollywood to it's core.

Honestly as awesome as Ty is I thought you had the win here and was a bit bummed when you lost.


Again sorry it's not very constructive.
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  #2302  
Old 07-11-2017, 10:42 PM
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Bernkastel Bernkastel is online now
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Milenko

Interesting character dynamic between Tony and Xaitlyn. Those two were once a team, so it makes some sense for them to have a partnership. There were a couple of grammatical issues and formatting errors. Proofreading is difficult, but I’d advise you preview your RP first before posting it. Also try writing short and simple sentences. You have several run-on sentences that could have been broken up. Like this one.

Quote:
Tony: Amelia is teething so I pawned her off on my neighbor Melanie and with Xaitlyn going on and on about knowing my partner and knowing my opponents I needed to get out of the house anyway and I figured I should get back in touch with the man who was watching me from the shadows the last time I was in this bar.
Here's a better way to structure the dialogue…

Tony: Amelia is teething so I pawned her off on my neighbor Melanie. With Xaitlyn going on and on about knowing my partner, and knowing my opponents, I needed to get out of the house. I figured I should get back in touch with the man who was watching me from the shadows the last time I was in this bar.”

What I liked best about the RP: The content of your dialogue has improved. I think you need a bit more practice, though.

What I liked least about the RP: There’s not much description. And not much energy or emotion. For example, I read Ascension 118 and Xaitlyn cheated on Tony’s behalf. I don’t think that was ever brought up.

Don’t be afraid to draw inspiration from the shows. Take the emotion generated by the matches and use that as fuel for your next RP. Tony had the biggest match of his career at Ascension 118, and you just glanced over the fallout. I think Tony’s emotions need to be expanded on. That will help you further develop him as a character. I think this RP was decent, but I felt it was lacking in overall substance. Continue to practice little by little. You’ll improve even more.

Dmbfantomas

I like Vox as a character. He's almost like an old Saboteur throwback. Your RP this past round was good for a few laughs. I enjoyed it. I'd like to see you flesh Vox out a bit more. He doesn't have to be a serious character by any means, but some additional descriptive narration and some injected emotion would rocket him to the next level.

Cheers.
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  #2303  
Old 07-12-2017, 07:49 PM
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Franchize

I really liked your app when I first saw it. Obi has a ton of wiggle room for character development. And it’s believable since pro wrestling does have some history in Africa. I liked the way you wrote Obi this round. He seems to me that he’s just a young kid trying to find out what his identity is. If you win the Mayhem championship, I have a feeling that you could some great things.

K Web

I hope the deadwood match lit a fire under you, because Logan needs it. I’m not sure where Logan will go from here, but there’s a ton of opportunities coming up. I hope you can find some more of that passion you had this last round and stick around.

Falkon

Eve is one of the best characters in the fed right now. I’d probably say top 5. She has so much depth behind her thanks to your meticulous attention to the way you detail her emotions. Not only that, but you manage to keep those details fresh. Maybe it’s because I see many similarities between our writing styles. But usually you manage to go into a lot more detail than I do. For example Lynx has a gimmick that is easy to play off: time. Most people would either run the “messing with time will create a paradox and then we’re all fucked” theme or the multiverse theory theme where “maybe there’s a universe where if I don’t do A then I won’t accomplish B.” I chose to expand on the latter when I RP’ed against him. But you chose to expand on Eve’s future instead, and you were quick to emphasize that she’s in control of her own destiny. Not anyone else. Might be a bit cliché, but not when you realize that she has a shot at the world championship. It’s poetic.

It’s clear that you have a ton of momentum right now. Eve vs Constantine will probably be the Gold Rush final, and that doesn’t surprise me in the least. If I recall Eve has defeated John in the past, so I imagine that would give you the advantage. We joke and laugh about it, but Prophet will be tough to beat. If it comes down to Eve vs Cooper for the world title, I’m sure you could pull off the win. If you don’t win the Gold Rush, then there’s many other opportunities for you. Now that my major story line with Kagura is coming to an end, I’d like another crack at Eve myself. She’s always a character that I’ve got my eye on.
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  #2304  
Old 07-13-2017, 04:19 PM
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Spidey

After reading this RP I think losing the Elite Openweight title did Batti some good. This piece was really fleshed out and contained some great details. I especially liked the way that you portrayed Callie. I think the portrayal of Tyrone was a bit too “PG,” but I like the connection between the two characters. They are united over a mutual dislike of Vis Imperium, and you really worked to create some depth to their relationship. It’s almost like a big brother/little sister dynamic, but Blades feels like a mentor, rather than a babysitter like Action Saxton.

What I liked most about the RP: The character development. Batti is goofy. There have been times when I have not taken her seriously, to the point where it became a habit. Thank you for a more serious portrayal. I loved the way that you blended her weebish personality with a more normal one.

What I liked least about the RP: The only complaint I had was that Tyrone felt a bit PG. But even so, there’s chemistry between him and Batti.

This was a fantastic RP. It as well written and contained plenty of raw emotion, I felt that Batti really grew as a character here. I also liked the spacing of the “one more chance.” Each word gave a nice little theme to each segment. Not sure if that was intentional or not.

---

Onto the match that you wrote for MD 142. I like to announce either the champion or the heel wrestler second. Since this is Warzone’s first outing, I would have announced the veteran second. I personally think that’s just proper etiquette. I really enjoyed your portrayal of Jack Cohen. He’s usually flexible as the color commentator.

The first part of the match had a nice flow, showing some good psychology from the smaller man. Don’t be afraid to experiment with in match dialogue from characters and involve the crowd more. The spot where Vox talks to the crowd after rolling out of the ring seemed perfect for that. I liked the fact that Warzone was simply too big and heavy for Vox to lift at that moment. Warzone backing away to the ropes to escape an onslaught doesn’t makes any sense. He’s a monster. Vox’s punches shouldn’t have much effect. I also don’t see why he would call for a test of strength if he’s pissed off. Frustrated maybe, but that doesn’t seem like part of his character. There’s also not much emotion being shown from Vox as he tries to cut the beast down to size. A lot of the descriptions are vague towards the end of second part. I’m not sure what happened during the last part of the match, did Warzone get himself tangled up? If so, how? Because it seems like Vox ducked under his fist and the big man just hit the ropes and bounced off. That would have looked awkward. Later it looks as if Warzone must have done the Andre Spot [where both arms become entangled in the ring ropes.] I really liked the submission finish, with Warzone refusing to quit until he had no other choice.

Overall it was a decent match. I loved the big and small man psychology. I liked that you highlighted Vox’s strength as a submission grappler, while showing off Warzone’s power and durability. The commentators seemed to be on part, with Cohen showing a dryer side to his commentary. Although there were parts of the match that didn’t makes sense, like Warzone packing away from Vox’s punches, or were vaguely written, Warzone getting tangled in the ropes. I think that could be improved upon. I think there could have been a bit more description in some parts, particularly with Vox’s comeback towards the end.

---

Now for some light character feedback. When she was first introduced, Batti seemed like a crack comedy character to me. I didn’t see potential for much depth to the character. But the RP’s that you have done from Apocalypse to now have shown me a deeper side to her personality. It’s almost as if she’s a character within a character. Is the weeaboo part of Batti the true part, or is she secretly more sophisticated than that? To me she’s one of the more interesting characters to read right now.
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  #2305  
Old 07-13-2017, 09:22 PM
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Bernkastel Bernkastel is online now
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Dagger

Lynx is a unique character, though I wonder what his potential shelf life might be? He’s still a new character, so there’s still plenty of opportunity for you to add some new dimensions to him. I noticed that after RP’ing against him that ‘time’ seems to be an easy theme to target. Kind of like how Celeste’s opponents used to always target her gender. He’s a tough one to RP against, that’s for sure.

Milenko

I think you’re improving with the way that you write Tony. He still lacks emotion in certain situations here he should have quite a lot to talk about. Just keep practicing. I believe others have told you not to insert to much of your own personality onto Tony, but that shouldn’t stop you from drawing from your own emotional experiences when imagining how he might react to certain people and events.

CyberPunk

When I first saw Wren, I thought she was a similar character to Kagura. Based on your avatar, maybe a ninja or an assassin. I haven’t ruled that out, but she’s very mysterious. In my RP against her I made it a point to say that she’s even surpassed Kagura in that aspect. I’m kind of iffy on her manager, but it does add another dynamic to Wren’s story. It seems as if you’re leading up to a bigger story, so I’d like to see where it goes. If she does win the Eurasian title, I wonder how that will affect that story moving forward.

WWE66

This was a nice little hype piece for Warzone. I thought all the dialogue was smooth and the descriptions were solid. Just remember if you format in color to keep all your dialogue consistently the same color. Even though proofreading is a pain, make sure to give the RP a readthrough or two before submitting it. I look forward to seeing what you can do in WZCW.
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  #2306  
Old 07-24-2017, 01:38 AM
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War Zone
(WWE66)

This RP wasn't the best. While it's not against the rules to beat up your own NPCs you do need to be careful about to much violence taking away from the story you're trying to tell. Not to mention it's almost certain to lose you votes


The RP was also very confusing. Why does he think JFK is President? Why is he stuck in the 50s? I'm not saying blow your wad early and tell us everything up front but a little back story would have been very helpful.

There's room for improvement but the same could be said for all of us really. I see potential with the gimick so keep learning & getting better with every RP and you'll be gold.

Feel free to send me a PM with any questions or you can post thr in The Social Club backstage. I'm always around if you need help.
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  #2307  
Old 07-24-2017, 04:03 AM
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Quick hit feedback for War Zone and Tony Mancini...

War Zone:

A few things bugged me.

1. You reference the Cold War as past tense, but War Zone still thinks JFK is president? Also, JFK and McCarthy (who was actually WAY more right than he ever gets credit for) were not friendly at all. JFK thought he was a kook. If War Zone is SUPER loyal to JFK, why would he bring up McCarthy? Also, McCarthy died 3 years before JFK was elected.

2. Benedict Arnold was an amazing American, who only "turned traitor" because the US was fudging everything up badly and he wanted to ensure that the NEXT revolution actually worked. Luckily, we got aid from France and everything worked out. That doesn't have anything to do with anything, though. Just love good ol' Benedict Arnold.

3. You just murdered someone. Like, you killed someone. Killing a postal worker is an offense of the highest order. War Zone should be in prison for the rest of his life, waiting for a needle to put him out of his misery. It bothered me to read that, and not in a good way that made me want more.

4. If you're going to have a harsh character, you need to choose a better color. A strong red I think would work better for War Zone. He's brutal, so I would advise against picking a cool color.

5. It's best to not completely belittle your opponents. Claiming Mancini as a "Defcon 5" will look REALLY bad if he ends up beating you. It means War Zone got beaten by someone who isn't a threat. Talk up their positives, but say that you're going to beat them anyway.

6. WAIT, YOU FUCKING CRUCIFIED THAT GUY?! And avoid "lynching" also. Unless you're talking about the landlord.


Tony Mancini:

1. Stay out of dreams, you sonofabitch.

2. Seriously though, I liked this a lot. I've always liked the "Is it real, or is it not?" style of storytelling. It also gives you a lot of leeway to do strange things. I dug the hell out of it, truly.

3. My only real issue is that you had some areas where you could have expanded on what was happening, and you stayed straight and confined. You have the opportunity to do whatever you want in this kind of environment, swing for the fences. Even if you don't reach the moon, you'll still get the stars.

But they were both better than mine, so I hate you both.
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  #2308  
Old 08-06-2017, 05:10 PM
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Vox - Gold Rush PPV RP

You were one of the winners for the Gold Rush PPV predictions contest so here are some things I liked about the RP as well as some improvements I suggest.

Not sure what "INT" was short for, it may have been better to spell out things like that. Or perhaps start it out with "A black room is seen, in one of Vox's dreams. Loud but muffled sounds come from a television. The screen is blurred to the camera. In front of the television are the heads of four people watching television, two men on the arms of a four-person couch, and a man and a woman in the middle." Having all this as one descriptive paragraph as it opens would have looked a little better. Make sure you're double checking that the correct color is used consistently for the same character. You had one NPC speaking in both red and then in dark blue at one point. Another formatting tip.... Whether you use font colors or not on the dialogue, it's a good idea to boldface the name of who is speaking. Like as seen below.

Vox: Oh sir, please. It is the greatest movie you, or anyone else, has ever made.

There's a lot of talking without much else going on during the part where Vox is goofing off with the celebrities. What is everyone doing while this conversation is happening? It helps illustrate the picture mentally for the reader if we see what the characters, especially Vox himself, are doing as the dialogue is spoken. Otherwise we may be left to assume they just sit there not moving. No one that I know of sits still that long, and I doubt opinionated celebrities would be not moving around as they talk to Vox here. Things like "to Jane Levy" or "loudly to Russell" could have been in descriptive form instead of being next to someone's name in the dialogue line.

Keeping the voice be named as "Voice That Sounds Like Patricia Clarkson" is funny. Reminds me a little of what I have done with a number of "unimportant" NPC's in my Lynx RP's. I like the humor style there with the Patricia Voice as well as that whole back and forth between her and Vox. Whopcorn was funny as well. Someone at church mentioned a similar snack the other day and it made me think of the whopcorn line in your RP. When you make an impact in an RP people remember it. Legit LOL'ed at Richard Karn.

You did get a vote from me in this match. I would like to see more focus returned to Vox wanting to raise money and that side of his character. Definitely keep the humor style you've been working with but maybe tone down the celebrity cameos and the dreams a bit going forward. I think that will help you.
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  #2309  
Old 08-10-2017, 06:03 PM
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War Zone (Predictions Winner Feedback)

So, let's get the inevitable out of the way. The first and second RP's you posted were not within the rules. I hope that you have made yourself really familiar with them now and everything will be forgotten. But it is worth saying that you took the first fall as punishment for your earlier transgressions. As I said before, take your punishment and move on to bigger and better things. You are definitely capable of it. FalKon murdered someone in his RP way back when. Look at him now, a legend in WZCW. You would never have thought it when you read Ashleigh FalKon... Trust me.

As far as this RP goes, it's not that bad. It took you three attempts to get there but it is definitely on the right track. I know you had talked briefly of getting rid of the character but there is definitely scope in there for the character to work and I think you have what it takes to make that happen. War Zone is unique and that is a hard thing to come by in this day and age. I like that he still talks to a former President as if they were they current President, it's a nice little touch to the character. You seem to have the rhetoric for the character worked out too and I like reading that.

There is some room for improvement, obviously, though. First of all, this is a good piece since we are new to the character and need to get to know what he is like. But when you are put against three of the people you were put against, you are going to have to put more into it. I understand it wasn't your first piece of work and you were probably just trying to get something in. But there's very little in there in terms of progressing the character and that is something that you will have to work on in future, trust me. Soon enough, you will run out of ideas to make War Zone look like a bad ass and you will be stuck for what to write. Add a couple of NPC's and a long time goal for War Zone to accomplish and have him go bout doing just that. This RP is a decent “getting to know you” piece but we will need much more from you if you are to progress up the card.

For inspiration, look at people like myself, Prophet, FalKon, Dynamite, Echelon and Ty etc. All of those guys use NPC's really well and have an idea of where they want to take their characters on the long term. When you understand that, your work will be full of character development and plot development. Above all else, that is what I am looking for when I read a RP as Head of Creative. Give me something I can use on the shows! Your work is crying out for that depth. But once you nail it, you'll be golden.
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