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  #2291  
Old 03-16-2017, 09:35 PM
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LYNX





First off, I really liked the character rap sheet and thought the idea was original. Plus that entrance music fits the wrestler and its a great song. Now, to the RP. We get Lynx in his apartment in AZ watching Aftershock to start out. He's shocked to learn that Theron Daggershield has retired so he's off to WZCW to prevent the apocalypse from happening.

I liked the way the RP started, it's a fresh new character so we don't need ALL the information crammed at us to begin. Keeping some of his motivations on the backburner in the first RP is a good move IMO.

There's some fourth wall breaking and a sprinkle of comedy here and there that kind of reminded me of Theron a little bit. Same with the writing style, if you changed up the movie script format just for your first few words of a new paragraph then it wouldn't seem too much like a Theron RP...the same with that last paragraph. That's just my tinyiest of tiny nitpics but overall it was a good start and looking forward to see what Lynx has in store for WZCW.
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  #2292  
Old 04-06-2017, 02:37 PM
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Callie Clark
(Matrix)
I don't know if this what you're going for but when I read a Clark Sister RP and Callie especially I get this modern day valley girl type vibe that just makes me hate her.

This RP I was excited to read after you asked us all for help over on Discord and I have to say you didn't disappoint. It really made me not like Callie which is a good thing in this case. You joined as a team with Jam and although sadly that was right when we got rid of the tag titles you guys have kept the team dynamic instead of saying "well fuck" and going your separate ways.

All in all I love reading your RPs as you seem to have a good grasp of who Callie is and it shows in your RPs. keep up the good work man.
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  #2293  
Old 04-07-2017, 05:02 AM
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Callie Clark

First of all, I like that you tried t think of an original way to shoe horn a Q&A into the RP. Most people go for the basic interview with Leon or Johnny but this is a little bit different. However, I have to say that it is STILL a Q&A for the most part. I think the people who do the best in this Fed are the ones who can be creative enough to have a Q&A without it feeling like one. I mean, you could have accomplished the same questions by talking to Gabi or something else. It's a small complaint but something that I think you should address going forward.

A major positive I have picked out from your work is how well you stick to your character. I guess, in a lot of ways, Callie reminds me of Alexa Bliss in WWE. She is the sort of person who is repulsed by the thoughts of others and the way they are/live. To that end, I think you have something there. When I read the work, I can actually see her reactions when she finds out things about people that she doesn't like. That's a strength.

In terms of where you can improve, I guess I don't have a lot of feedback. The relationship between Callie and Gabi is really good and you should be proud of how well you both use each other. One thing I would say is that you should try and make your RP mean something. At the core of this piece, Callie is answering questions from people but it kinda goes nowhere. I always try and have some stakes in the RP and have some development towards that. And whilst this is a well-written piece, nothing really happens (if that makes sense). Where are the stakes? What are the challenges Callie faces? For a throwaway match, this is really good. But there's a bit of room for development for sure.
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  #2294  
Old 04-07-2017, 12:44 PM
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Yemrez Reqonic
(ShinChan)

free feedback for looking over my RP

I liked it. You talked about your win which is good and while you the handler were unhappy with how you won the character is, I was afraid you would have Yemrez be unhappy with it as well which would have made no sense.

You talked about your opponent and which is always a good thing because at the end of the this is a promo, I feel there was a lot of missed opportunity here. You could have talked about the Clark Sisters dependence on each other or how they lived an easy life while Yemrez worked her ass of for her country and family. Things like that I feel would have added a bit more depth.

Why was I reading Greek & German words? Shouldn't they be Estonian instead seeing how that would be her native language? It just bugged me for some reason and was the main thing that took me out of the story.



not bad but a step down from your last RP.
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  #2295  
Old 04-07-2017, 06:38 PM
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Tony Mancini

First of all, I'm not wild on the picture at the top of your RP all the time. I think it would be neater and tidier if you just made that into a written quote. Truth be told, it's kinda hard to make out sometimes. Second of all, there are quite a few grammatical errors in your first paragraph. Traditionally, as the piece goes on, I get a little bit more forgiving about those because they are harder to spot amongst the wall of text. But for Christ's sake, proof read the first few paragraphs at least. The first sentence is far too long to begin with and needs broken up with a comma. And there is a pretty big break in the last sentence that makes it nonsensical:

Quote:
--Tony loses track of time until a few hours later when his front door slams open letting, thanks to Gino Rizzoli walking in like he owns the place.
Again, this is the first paragraph of your work. You need to proof read, mate. You can also find grammar editors around the net if you so desire. But that's not a good impression to start with.

Another thing that I have to bring up is the lack of emotion from Tony. Bare in mind that this is the son of a Mob Boss, who learned from the school of hard knocks. But even when he is telling off Gino, there is no emotion to him. He's like a robot. Use exclamation marks, or even capital letters more when Tony gets heated and it'll pay dividends. I promise.

I know we give you some grief about the baby thing but it's actually a nice little angle you have running. Did you ever see Dexter when the Mom got killed in the bath and Dexter was left with the kids after she died? You could tell that he wasn't equipped for that mentally or emotionally and it made a lot of sense. But with Tony, he's adapting too well. I want to see the struggles of Mancini with the baby. Having a kid is hard when you work 30 hours a week, never mind being a full-time wrestler. You get what I am saying here? Raise the stakes and cause some friction. But most importantly, give Tony a fucking personality who deals with struggles etc.

You know, I like the continuity of Mancini going to church to get things off of his chest. It puts a nice little bow on what you have been saying through the RP but I feel as though your RP is missing some drama. The relationship between Tony and Gino is disintegrating, so play that shit out. Have them fight over what is important and have Gino be the bad guy. Even with Father Meloni, there needs to be something more going on than explaining shit to the reader. It needs to mean something but I am willing to wait for that.

All in all, it's not a bad piece at all. You just really need to focus on better defining Tony and giving him a personality. Reread your work and you'll see.
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  #2296  
Old 04-08-2017, 06:51 AM
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Vee A.D.Z

This is a decent enough piece of work. But I have to bring up the spelling and grammar. Now, I know that English isn't exactly your first language, and I try to be a little forgiving of that most of the time. But some of the language in the piece is just down-right confusing to say that least. I really think you ought to consider running it through a program with a grammar check to solve these problems because it can, and almost did, take away some of the sheen from an otherwise decent RP.

The content of the RP is good actually. I like the relationship you have with Sara and I liked the setting of the RP too. It makes sense for Vee to be a little more reserved following, probably, the biggest win of his career – thanks to how all of that went down. To that end, I'm glad you played it down a little and got right back to preparing for what should be a grueling match against Garth Black.

Following on from that, I have to commend you on having a go at trying to put Black down as much as possible. It was a reasonably good assessment of the character of Black and, actually, it was a good read too.

The only other negative I have for you is the altercation at the end. It didn't make a lot of sense if I am being honest. I know it was nothing more than a tool to get out what you needed to say but it came off as a forced segment. You could have accomplished the same thing with Sara but you chose to introduce another character that seemed unnecessary. Still, like I said, it's pretty good all in all.
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  #2297  
Old 05-06-2017, 07:57 AM
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JamJam Winner of the prediction contest RP Feedback.

Did I vote for you? YES

If I was ranking the RP's it would have gone Matrix, Jamjam, Wren then Requonic. You and Matrix were very close though. Very symboinic RP's that is tag team championship material. I liked how you didn't stray far from the wrestling aspect of the story (Something I do alot) and reminded everyone that this an important homecoming for The Clark Sisters. You have to be careful when tag team RPing though as you and your Clark sister said alot of the same things making it seem repetitive at times. I like how you and Matrix have a similar writing style and kept both RPs in first person perspective. I like the valley girl, over the top attitude and fun dialog. It was easy to read, never boring and it made sense. I wasn't close to being lost as you directed me to the end of your Rp, its a simple style and it works. I'd suggest when moving forward; doing some tweeking to your character to try and stand out from your Clark sister. Both are alot alike and it's just me but....the tag team division has died right when you guys came in with this great sister team. Looking forward to reading future RP's.
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  #2298  
Old 05-06-2017, 10:38 AM
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Gabi Clark (Jam) - Apocalypse 2017


Let's start with the positives. I voted for you guys as your RP's flowed well together and told the better overall story. That's important in tag team matches. Matrix's RP was a bit better in formatting as well as in content although you were both better than your opponents'. It was good that you separated the sisters so that we got Gabi's story in your RP with only part of it having them together. Jeff gave a great piece of advice that I agreed with. Work on making Gabi stand out from the Clark Sisters alliance. How is she different from Callie? Build on that. Developing Gabi more on her own like you did here (while still coming back to the alliance with her sister) would be a good idea in future RP's. What can she bring to the table that Callie might not be able to during the times they are not together? This RP was a step in the right direction (for me anyway) for that reason. The story you told was good. Having Gabi be rude in her responses to the flight crew and how heelish she was in how she got back at Molly was something I want to see more of. Having her grab Bates' phone just to send a text rant to Callie is another example of this, and it was funny too.

Alright so now for some suggestions on how this RP could have been improved. The intro before Molly comes, there is too much dialogue there without enough description. I think the script style would have helped here, such as if you had written out the names of who spoke like Matrix did in his. Gabi and Callie speak similarly. The reader needs to know who is talking. Some actions/descriptions in between all that talking would have really helped that scene out. You had 6 lines of dialogue, a one word description "silence", then 5 more lines of dialogue before Molly appears. What was going on while Gabi was silent? Did she do anything while she sat there? Did she sit still the whole time? Even if she sat still she could have looked around at the other people or fixed her hair or something. Try to not have so many lines of dialogue without at least one sentence of descriptions to show us what is going on while Gabi's talking to someone. I would also have used a different color for Molly. She spoke in a font color quite similar to Callie's. Maybe Magenta or Teal would have been better.

I would avoid awkward things like when Gabi said "This is worst than my period.". You've had Gabi say awkward things in other RP's too. Might want to stay away from anything like that. Give us more of the arrogance in her. She "knows" she is in the right, so show us why, and in a way that Gabi would but Callie wouldn't. In the conversation with Bates you had some strings of dialogue without descriptions again, though not as bad as the one with Callie at the start of the RP. Find little things for her to do in between talking. Things as small as heelish body-language could be done in between her lines in lengthy talking portions to improve them.

Hope this helps. Keep it up.
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  #2299  
Old 06-17-2017, 08:30 PM
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Eve Taylor (FalKon)
I have a soft spot for webcam/simple speak-to-the-camera RPs, probably because I did them a lot in another fed as a tribute to one of my favorite eFed characters of all time. There's a real rawness to them, which is something I appreciate, and as that's clearly what you're going for I commend you on using that format.

As someone weighing the benefits of a stage persona myself, the themes present in this RP of the power of a name really struck home. There's a wistfulness to how she talks about it, an ache that I really connected with. Fake it 'til you make it is something I hear a lot of, every day, and the complicated discussion of what that actually means is something I ask myself every time it comes up. (As an aside, you did typo that as 'fake it to you make it, but I'll gloss over that.)

I love how poetic this speech is. It's emotional, it has ups and downs, a pure wrestling promo at its finest, a real roller coaster ride. The clean-clean makes sense, it humanizes Eve even more than ever, and how you tie her personal identity crisis and all the things that have happened to her since the Lethal Lottery into Matt Tastic's personalities and how he is now is just so beautiful. Also, shoutouts to using fuck in a genuinely impactful way.

I don't really have a lot of criticisms. I think this one just struck me, both in its simplicity and in its subject matter. It sets up a lot for the future as well. It broke when it needed to and sucked me in using dialogue alone. I guess on a personal level it almost lost the atmosphere you had built when she became super focused on Mikey when she first said his name but you regained it fast and finished strong. Great work.

Titus Avison (Lee)
I hope Titus never loses the belt ever.

Okay, with that sentiment out of the way, time to talk about the actual RP. One thing I find kind of funny is that while I always love your RPs, I'm prepared to be at odds with how you actually write them. Things always move too abruptly for me, and yet the content is always so strong that I'm sucked in nonetheless. I suppose you've really nailed that screenplay style of giving us just enough to draw our own conclusions of the scene before hitting us with the dialogue, so I get it. For example, it feels the scene very quickly jumps from Titus backstage to Becky's office to Georgia. It's like being on a roller coaster. I think at the very least I wouldn't have minded a little more scene-setting for the toast.

But my god, the content never fails to blow me away. You have a knack for using imagery to completely destroy an opponent while weaving in ten years of history and well-thought-out references. My favorite bit about the RP is that the speech Titus makes on Will McKay sounds like a horror film. It builds that dread and completely eviscerates Will's character. there's something about targeted character dissection I absolutely love, especially when it builds to a crescendo like that. It's relentless and it slows down exactly when it needs to.

Hey, maybe that's what you were going for, yknow? Make the beginning punchy and fast so that when the RP slows down it hits you like a punch in the gut. If that's so, I dig it. Great stuff.

Tony Mancini (Milenko)
Man, your RPs are weirdly soulless.

That's like, a super negative thought to start off with, huh? I don't know, the opening just feels like you're building with blocks and putting stuff in because you feel you have to. Something about how you cite things like sources and songs just...there's no rhythm or flow or beauty to them, yknow? You always use the full name of the Bible you're quoting from, or you very specifically name exactly what contemporary song is playing in the church complete with brackets. It just really disrupts your flow and makes the whole thing feel like less like a piece of writing and more like a robot assumption of what an RP is.

It feels like the entire opening is just an excuse to get to the Father Meloni conversation when you probably could've just started at Father Meloni and explained everything else in the conversation itself. I guess that's just my own writing preferences coming into play, though.

It's actually kind of funny. In scene-setting and description you often use a lot of short sentences but in dialogue you use a lot of run-ons. Weird.

I don't really find Father Meloni super convincing or human as a character, honestly. He just seems like a plot point. It's like your intro, except in character form. Father Meloni exists in this weird microcosm where WZCW is the only thing anyone cares about, including an actual man of the cloth, and he only exists to be all "Hey Tony, here's some weirdly specific advice". It's also weird how you built up all that for a five-line conversation.

Also, seriously, learn to use punctuation. You don't use any sometimes, like in the sentence "That's great Anthony now what does this have to do with me?". It always tosses me out of the scene when I'm trying to understand what you're saying rather than focusing on what's being said.

So, that's all my writing gripes out of the way. In terms of content, I think it told me who Tony was decently well. He's a father, a devout Christian, and he used to be in a tag team with Xaitlyn. That said, everyone in your RP speaks the same, so I can't say anyone made much of an impression on me, including Tony. It's adequate. It tells a story, it builds to a match with Constantine, it gives Tony a tangible and viable reason as to why the match is important, and I think all that is positive.

You have a long way to go, but I admit that this RP definitely made me want to see the match. My biggest issue with the content is that the quote didn't at all connect with the rest of the writing. If I were you I would have went with a verse on forgiveness. That would've been a lot more thematically appropriate. So yeah, it did its job and I think you have to be commended for that because you've improved a lot in terms of actually telling a story that makes sense and advances multiple plot points. Definitely the best work I've personally read of yours.
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Old 06-20-2017, 06:20 AM
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Andrew Adonis

Descriptions are on-point. They are quite lavishing, and as you continue reading, the words are as smooth as you would read them. Having description so smooth allows the story to be painted well, and keeps the reader interested. However, considering how 'astonishing' (great use of the word in your RP, btw) Andrew is, I feel he is more of a character that would be the one describing the scene in his tone. You could create some amazing atmosphere with Adonis reciting the scene through his own eyes with the descriptions you've got currently.

You can really feel the character here. Businessman through and through. The cockiness, the locker room talk, the actual business side of things... what struck me was the delivery of Andrew demanding "More" from the waitress without even breaking a glance. That's a nice cocky intensity from Adonis. Loved it.

I am getting some Paul Heyman vibes here with how you've protected your client. I love how every motivation you have is purely to make Xander the best. Adonis might have his own morals, wishes, and wants, but ultimately, you come back around to make it all about Xander. That's exactly how a manager should be portrayed.

Really good RP here. I would decide whether you wish for Adonis to narrate the scene, or have an invisible narrator. I saw you crossing paths between the two, and with your writing skills, you can pull off Adonis narrating and create some excellent perspectives. Get the readers invested in the world Adonis sees, because he is a good character. Let us see what he sees. Let us think what he thinks.
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