MD 150 - Harald Var Krigare versus Randy Studd (EOL)
RP deadline is Monday the 30th of April at 23:59 PST – NO EXTENSIONS AVAILABLE
Reinstate The Fox!
Randy Studd's Rules For Life. Chapter 2: An International Flavour
Hello there, glad to see you back again. It's been a little while. Last time you stopped by I told you that having commitment is the biggest set back that you can be afflicted with. Thirty seconds into my match with Logan last week, you saw exactly how right I was. Thirty three seconds later it was a done deal. Maybe now people will start to take heed of the gospel according to Randy.
So here we have a new lesson. The thing is, I'm a bit bored. Every girl in this town is the same. They go to the same hairdressers, the same shops and the same make up stores. I can understand why. One of them gets to ride on the Studd express and so the rest of them mimic her to try and get on the return journey. It's obvious.
So sometimes, I take a break, get on a plane, and go and sample some of the nightlife around the World. My top tips for a totally awesome time when out looking for lust are as follows:-
When in Thailand, make sure you try before you buy. Let's just say that occasionally you get a little more than you bargained from when you get home from a night out. IT'S OBVIOUSLY NEVER HAPPENED TO ME. NEVER. NOT ONCE. But, you know it can happen. It happened to a guy I know. Not me. A friend of mine. A friend of mine called...errr...Andy Stu...bbins. Yeah. Old Andy had it happen.
Apart from that, the sky is the limit and you can do whatever you want. The thing is, women from abroad like a little culture, they like a little style, they're sick of the losers that pollute the local waters. You ever heard a girl say she's looking for the non-exotic type? Didn't think so. The men who inhabit foreign countries can be a little... unrefined shall we say.
You can show this simply. If there's a language barrier, just point to whatever you are talking about and speak loudly and slowly in English. This will show that you are well travelled and capable of speaking the most universal language in the world. Love. I mean not real love, obviously, but the kind of love you pretend to be capable of to get what you want. They fall for it every time.
The next stop I think I'll make is Sweden - everyone there is a neandethal Viking bezerker with a beard and big old dose of boring served where their personality should be. Take Harald Var Krigare. To a Swedish girl, a guy like Harald is like every loser they've ever had the displeasure of knowing. He's just Sweden personified. Women want more than safety, they want the thrills and spills that I can give them.
Nobody wants glacial safe loving when they can have stormy seas. Nobody wants Harald when they can have Randy. He may go on about sea monsters, but he must be smoking Kraken if he things he has a chance he's going to beat me. Yeah, he's a big guy, but it's like I always tell the ladies - it's not about the size of the boat, it's about the motion of the ocean. Fortunately, I've got a big boat too, in case you were wondering.
A walk on the wild side is what I can offer you.
It's a fine balance though because the quickest way into a girl's pants, is to flatter her and her nation first. My golden rule: know three facts about a country that a girl is from, that a local would know but a handsome stranger shouldn't. I've already prepped for meeting lovely Swedish Girls.
"Oh you're from Sweden. I don't know it well. I just know of a little unknown band from there, that are called ABBA or something"
"Oh, you're from Sweden, isn't that where IKEA comes from?"
"Oh, you're Swedish? I've heard it can be cold there"
Showing this level of intelligence is a sure fire way to win the hearts and minds of these people.
Once you've shown that you are rugged and exotic but also knowledgeable and culturally sensitive, the next step is simple. You've got to pretend to want to get to know them and their country in more detail.
There's a simple way to do this. You ask a question, and then you just glaze over and think about your next move, saying 'wow that's really interesting', 'I've never thought about it that way before' and 'we are so different but also like the same' a number of times during the conversation. This will make her think she's educating you, when in fact the only knowledge you're interested in is carnal.
Once you're done, you leave, safe in the knowledge that you never had to give a phone number because 'you're not from round here'. Following that, just rinse repeat a couple of times until you notice that the local ladies have developed a taste for you and have started mimicking each other, and then you just roll on to the next place.
So Harald, if you're, or more likely your minder, is listening, just be aware that once I've beaten you on Meltdown this week, I'm going to celebrate by taking a flight to your country and showing them what a real man looks like. Then what a real man feels like. Then what a real man tastes like. If you get my drift.
Here endeth your second lesson in the classroom of life.
WrestleZone Tournament, 2015
Beaming splendidly from above, the afternoon sunlight cut through the partial resistance posed from the few clouds onto the streets of Paris below, offering the commuters some solace from the gridlock before them. Amongst the taxis and luxurious cars, a humble tour bus found itself between the traffic, housing within it many a keen eyed adventurer, all patiently awaiting to reach their next destination, a variety of backgrounds and characteristics separating them, but united in their desire to see the French capital city and all it had to to offer.
Towards the back of the bus on the left-hand side, seated on the comfortable black leather was Jacob Westwood, with a gleam in his eyes, and an expression across his face akin to a child in a candy store, taking in all he could see before him. To his right sat his client, who looked less than impressed, his colossal arms crossed in anticipation, and with an indication of fatigue evident across the entirety of his face.
Harald: Jacob, this is the fourth time we've been on this same tour bus now, and it's only 2 o'clock. I'm sure the Eiffel Tower and Arc de Triomphe haven't changed since we've last seen them.
Jacob: Just one last time, Harald. Please, they say experiences ingrain further into your sub-conscious the fourth time around.
Harald: Who is they?
Jacob: Some guy who also offered to end my career, but I politely told him I was unemployed at the time.
Harald: I never knew The Destroyer was such a sophist.
Jacob: You didn't even know who the Destroyer was until I explained him to you!
Harald: And whose fault is that?
Jacob: I'd show you if you didn't take my phone away.
Harald: That's because you were uploading photos of me on Instagram whilst I was asleep...
Jacob: There's an audience for that.
Harald: Yes, perhaps the same audience who still see Bill Cosby as a good role model.
Jacob shrugged, unable to refute Harald's argument, but without necessarily agreeing with his conclusion. Defending Bill Cosby was not a hill he was prepared to die on.
Harald: Anyway, you know I've got to be at Notre Dame in about 10 minutes to meet with that lady from the tampon commercial for some more work.
Jacob: How come you're so keen to take her up on that? You were pretty mortified the last time, what if she asks you to do something more bizarre?
Harald: Mortified? No, I was glad to stake my claim for Sverige in our ever-united globe! She most probably has something prepared for me, but my baptism by fire through Blazing Tiger Tumblr fanart last week prepared me for the worst!
A horrified look came over Jacob's face, his chipper demeanour briefly subsiding, before feeling the urgent need to move the conversation forward, refusing to even think about Harald's life decisions.
Jacob: Ummmmm...regardless of the contents of your browsing history, I don't think I've properly congratulated you on your win last week. You're well on your way to contesting for the Elite Openweight title at Kingdom Come, though I must ask, why did you leave Blazing Tiger writhing after practically turning his chest to paste?
Harald: Are you Leon Kensworth, now?
Jacob: No, I'm honestly curious. The match was over, Tiger played fair and gave you a gallant effort, so why didn't you at least offer a gesture of goodwill after the match?
Harald: Must I justify everything I do to you, Jacob?
Jacob: We're friends, Harald, aren't we? I'd appreciate if you could at least give me a reason why, because it seemed really out of character. I noticed it in that interview with Leon in Sydney too. There's this strange dimension to you at times...you seem kind of egotistical...
Harald shook his head, almost disappointed with Jacob's assessment. Surely his friend knew him better than that?
Harald: Egotistical? Jacob, you know the Krigare Empire is open to all. I may be the spear, but the WZCW universe who cheer me on, from all four corners of the globe, are my shaft, and don't make a Richard Roundtree joke, because I'm being serious. We accomplished our first victory together, a momentous occasion that should be celebrated.
Jacob: Celebrated at the expense of the welfare of your honourable opponent?
As the vehicles on the road finally began to continue onward towards their destination, so too did the tour bus follow, as Harald placed his hand on his chin, trying to offer Jacob some peace of mind, as the gridlock in his own mind surmounted.
Harald: Jacob, this is wrestling, not chess. People get hurt, and you can't tell me Blazing Tiger wouldn't have done the same thing had he scored the win. When you fight an unknown entity like that, you can't let your guard down, even after the match. Look, I did get caught up in the glory of victory, but...I don't really know what to say to convince you that I wasn't doing it for solely selfish reasons. I want to invigorate not only myself, but the people that support me, I want this to be a mutually beneficial relationship between myself and my audience, for both me and the populace of the Krigare Empire.
Jacob: I understand your point, Harald, and perhaps I'm overreacting. But at least offer Tiger an acknowledgement of respect at the next Meltdown. My gut tells me he's not a bad gu...tiger, I guess.
Harald sighed heavily, knowing that Jacob had a point. There was perhaps an element to him that sought glory and prestige above all else. And whilst glory and prestige were by no means bad things to strive for, to do so whilst lacking respect for your colleagues was unbecoming of any Swede, particularly a Swede who sought to offer his people further representation.
Harald: Yeah, I honestly think you're right on this one. I'll offer him an apology at least. A warrior should be honourable towards those who extend him the same courtesy in the field of battle, and I vow that I shall at least display some respect to those that have offered me fair competition. Whilst a fellow combatant should earn my respect in the battlefield, as opposed to before, we are not barbarians. The defeated are just as worthy of respect if they gave it everything, and played within the rules.
Jacob: That's all I wanted to hear. I'm not trying to nanny or neuter you, I'm just...concerned about you...having seen some of the monsters in WZCW...I don't want you to be like them.
Harald then offered Jacob a smile, to which Jacob returned in earnest. The hairy behemoth then patted Jacob gently on his back, appreciative of the support.
Harald: Thanks for keeping me in line, Jacob.
Jacob: Don't mention it. As you've said, every citizen of the Krigare Empire is valued, and every citizen should be inclined to offer advice to one another also.
As the bus stopped once again, the cacophony of bells alerted Harald to his surroundings. He was exactly where he needed to be.
Harald: Speaking of advice...Jacob, we're here, and I advise you to join me in our expedition to expand our influence!
Jacob: But I didn't even get a chance to see the Eiffel Tower again! Also, I really don't that advice is quite of the same calibre of what I had to offer you, Harald.
Harald: Two for the price of one, then! Don't take photographs of me whilst I'm asleep. You're my agent, not a paparazzi for TMZ!
Jacob: The Titus Mile Zone?
Harald: Just get off the bus, Jacob.
The domination of candlelight above the dark interior of Notre Dame was only rivalled by the sheer volume of humanity present within its walls, as many congregated for a myriad of reasons. A few were children, on a school trip to experience French culture in person, their first experience abroad, and a means of experiencing history captured in a bottle. Others were fans of Victor Hugo, seeking out the building as a means to hopefully draw upon the same feelings Hugo himself felt when he penned his magnum opus, as they aspired to reach their full potential as creators.
Harald and Jacob were looking for a woman they had previously made a tampon commercial with.
Harald: Peculiar woman, she said she'll meet us in a cloak and a mask. Firstly, this is Notre Dame, not the Palais Garnier, and secondly, the Phantom didn't even wear a cloak in the first place.
Jacob: Quite the oddball, but pretty normal by Craigslist standards to be honest.
As they continued to wade through the sea of people, Harald caught a glimpse of a figure veiled in a brown robe, leaning against one of the medieval pillars. Whilst he couldn't get a clear view of the figure's face, he knew the peculiar dress-up could only mean that his search was over.
Harald: Hang on, I think I see her now.
As the two men approached, the figure looked up somewhat, the identity still unknown beneath the thick hood. Motioning towards Jacob to stand up straight and look presentable, Harald approached the figure to introduce himself.
Harald: Excuse me, are you...Imogen Marceau?
The figure reached towards the hood and pulled it back, revealing themselves to be none other than WZCW's top interviewer, Leon Kensworth, leaving Harald and Jacob lost for words.
Leon: I'm afraid your princess is in another cathedral.
Still stunned, it was Jacob who managed to respond to this revelation first.
Jacob: Leon, are you...are you a trap?
Leon: What kind of question is that?
Jacob: I mean, I'm technically right, aren't I?
Harald had meanwhile used the last few seconds to compose himself, and was more at ease with the situation before him.
Harald: Either way, it's good to see you. I take that it's back to waging war, is it?
Leon: Yes, sir. Turns out you're against the other leader of the Meltdown league in your next match, being Randy Studd.
Harald: Here's hoping he can last longer in a match with me than he can in bed.
Leon mustered a look of displeasure.
Leon: Alright, that's a mental image I didn't want.
Jacob: To be fair, it's probably longer than the time he spent in the Lethal Lottery match.
Leon: Oh stop it, the both of you, or at least save it for the interview.
Leon: Oh yes, I suppose you've already got your hands full with this Imogen, so we can put it aside for later if you want, I don't want to bother you.
Harald: Nonono, I've got all the time in the world for you, Leon.
Reaching deep into his pocket, Harald pulled out his own phone, and handed it to Jacob, who promptly took it, thankful he once again had the luxury of mobile access.
Harald: Jacob, that's my phone. I want you to call Imogen and try and find out where she is. Now, whatever you do, don't do anything else. Don't take photos, don't play music, and DON'T look through my browsing history.
Jacob: Now I'm really curious...
Harald: I'll know if you used an Incognito tab as well, Jacob!
Jacob: Alright, alright, I'll try and find her.
With a glance of slight disappointment, Jacob entered the crowd once more, last seen by Harald and Leon desperately trying to unlock the phone. Leon then retrieved his own phone from his pocket, and gave Harald an enthusiastic thumbs up, prompting Harald to return the favour. He then turned his phone around, and began recording.
Leon: Hello WZCW, this is Leon Kensworth and I'm here with Harald Var Krigare in none other than the Notre Dame Cathedral! Harald, what are you thoughts on the Elite Openweight League in general so far?
Harald: To tell you the truth, Leon, there are not enough words to describe the excitement running through this gladiator's veins! The challenge, to clamber up the mountain of talent and stake my flag at the panoramic peak that is Kingdom Come, and the opportunity, to claim the Elite Openweight championship, and establish newfound territory for Sweden, and to offer the men, women and children of the world to share in this delight, as denizens of the cosmopolitan Krigare Empire, is my one true desire!
Harald nodded to accentuate his point, giving him time to consider what to say next.
Harald: But it's not just about the destination, it's also about the journey, the ability to test oneself, the incentive to culture yourself not only in your own matches, but to scout your potential next adversary, to watch talent such as Vega and Wren in the Ascension League, and to draw up the battle plan in preparation! The league exists primarily to establish the next big talent in WZCW, and this Lion From The North, much like the lion before him, Gustavus Adolphus, will change the entire landscape with his vigour and his tenacity, and once more, Sweden will have a hero to unite their divided nation!
Leon: A flaming passion as always. What are your thoughts on Callie Clark being added to the Elite Openweight Championship match at Kingdom Come?
Harald: Well for starters, I can clearly see now why they changed the X in the name to Openweight, haha!
Leon couldn't help but chuckle somewhat as the lens shaked, sharing the joke with Harald.
Harald: But in all seriousness, she has been given more than enough opportunities, and yet she continues to weasel herself into situations far out of her depth. I think the keyword there, besides weasel, is depth, because she has yet to enter the frigid waters where a well-known friend of mine lurks.
Leon: And could I get your thoughts on Randy Studd, your next opponent in the Elite Openweight League? Remember, you eliminated him from the Lethal Lottery match, so there's bound to be some incentive for revenge."
Harald: I have no doubt he's out for revenge, but not only against me, but against every female on the planet. This is one of the unfortunate psychological symptoms of being what is known as an incel. Other symptoms may include an inability to take responsibility for one's flawed actions and character, an effort to mask one's insecurities through an overuse of sarcasm and nihilistic commentary, and of course, regular browsing of 4chan.
Harald then approached the camera, and pointed his finger towards the lens, decrying his edict as his skin began to turn crimson.
Harald: At the Lethal Lottery, he fell to the Carolean Charge. The term "This isn't my final form" comes to mind, but at Meltdown, the impotent rage of Randy Studd will know a fear greater than any romantic rejection. No, the man who treats women as property will himself know what it's like to be the property of the tentacles beneath the sea, for the denizens of the Krigare Empire and I shall unite to RELEASE. THE. KRAKEN.
After pausing momentarily for effect, Leon then stopped the recording, satisfied with what he had captured. Putting his phone back in his breast pocket, Leon then proceeded to clap, offering his approval.
Leon: Alrighty, that's a wrap. And it looks like Jacob is back just in time!
Turning around, Harald found his agent with an excited grin across his face, a golden envelope in his hands.
Harald: Did you find her?
Jacob: Yeah, and she gave me this, and told me to tell you to meet her at the date and location inside. Supposedly, your new gig is confidential, just between the three of us. Sorry, Leon.
As Jacob handed Harald his phone and the newly acquired envelope, Leon had one more question, just between the three of them.
Leon: Why would she come to Paris just to drop off a letter though?
Jacob: You don't know the half of it with this woman. She somehow got motion capture of Shaquille O'Neill fighting an Egyptian mummy in a Persian palace. Her reputation in the art world precedes her. Hopefully we're getting warmer to the answers now.
Leon: Best I don't ask then, only a warrior could endure those sorts of answers. Nonetheless, good fortune to you both, HVK and Jacob, I'm needed elsewhere!
Harald: You too, Leon. Let's hope we meet under less...coincidental circumstances next time.
Leon: I somehow doubt that.
With a wave goodbye, Leon turned away and departed, leaving Harald and Jacob once more by themselves in a mob of people. Despite the presence of others, Harald felt secure enough to carefully open the envelope and study its contents, as Jacob looked on with gleeful anxiety.
Jacob: What's in the envelope?
Harald crumpled the letter within with one massive hand, and looked towards Jacob, a confident smirk across his lips.
Harald: The role of a lifetime...
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