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  #2341  
Old 03-29-2018, 06:51 PM
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Lee Lee is online now
WZCW's Titus
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Yemrez Reqonic

Lethal Lottery is the biggest opportunity everyone in WZCW gets. You win this you have a chance at the world title. You do well you can make a name for yourself. Look at the past winners.

Now thinking of that your RP was an insult to the match writers as well as the others who wrote RP's. I would rip the RP to shreds if it was a MD/AS RP but for Lethal Lottery? Awful RP, I didn't mark it bottom at the time but I've just re read it there and it's close. Where's Yemrez' zeal to want to win? She's a medal winner, she knows how to win yet can't in WZCW why is that?

For example I'm going to take the first four sentences of your RP to show you something:


We see Yemrez standing in the balcony of a hotel.
- This is quite a common place I have Titus but if you want description build to it. Which hotel? There's plenty in Sydney. Can you see their shitty bridge of the Opera House?

The air was cold yet they felt soul-soothing to Yemrez. - Poorly written and doesn't make sense. Change they to it, that makes sense. "The air was cold, yet that comforted Yemrez. The cold reminded her of home" there we go reason to care.

She drinks a full bottle of water.
Imagine a promo in WWE where someone just drank a full bottle of water, not a sip but a full bottle. A bit absurd right?

There was a bunch load of stress.
Why is there stress? You get to it later but as a description it doesn't work.

The sad thing is this is one of your better RP's and it's awful. The wording is all over and it's not coherent at all.

Tell us about the Godless Pikne. I know Pikne's an Estonian Godless, but not many others do. Expand that in your RPs. It's no wonder your lottery showing was bad. It's more upsetting that you don't bother taking feedback on board when you really need it.
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  #2342  
Old 04-04-2018, 01:57 PM
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Dan Severn's Moustache Dan Severn's Moustache is offline
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Tony Mancini:

I'm really liking what you've been doing with the Mayhem championship so far. It's fair to say that the Mayhem title has always been considered the lowest title on the totem pole, which is why it was most likely retired after Vega's amazing run with it some years back; it was doubtful that anyone could ever rival that kind of run with the title once Vega inevitably would have lost it, and it's definitely been a case of hot-potato since its revival. But I honestly think that Mancini has all the tools to not only have the best reign with the title since its revival, but perhaps the potential to rival even Vega's legendary reign.

This was a good RP from you this round, establishing Mancini as a manipulative bastard with his interaction with the shopowner, with clear control over the conversation. I especially like the touch where Mancini suddenly increased the debt by five thousand dollars, leaving the guy speechless, although I do think a bit more doubt from the shopowner would have made this even better, the guy is trying to maintain his family's legacy and gives up just a little too easily; and it would allow Mancini to be a lot more menacing also in his rebuttal of the shopowner.

The second half pertaining to WZCW was a mixed bag. Starting with the positives, I like the general idea that Mancini is aggravated at the concept of the 8 losers fighting him for the Mayhem championship at Kingdom Come, and I love Mancini's proposed solution, that he's willing to fight, but only on his terms; he'll do business and negotiate, but only so he can get the best result for him and his Mayhem championship reign. I love it, which is why I really have high hopes for your Mayhem reign.

With that said, I think Mancini's frustration is glanced over. This should be a real opportunity for Mancini to explain what the Mayhem division and championship means to him, why he wants to enhance it, and why he wants to be on top. Instead it's just "I won the Mayhem throwdown." Speaking of glanced over, PC Stevie Broon? This is a great set-up, a foul-mouthed cop against a manipulative mobster, and you really only talk about him for one line, with the rookie jab. I understand you have your story to tell, being your Mayhem title reign and your character's personal arc, but if you're keeping your RP to a certain length, there's some filler that could be condensed for some more focus on your upcoming opponent, like one or two of Gino's lines, or some descriptions.

Ultimately though, this was a good RP. There were a few spelling mistakes and grammatical errors, but not enough to detract from your writing, and you've clearly got a good grasp of where to take Tony next. Looking forward to where the story goes next.
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  #2343  
Old 04-18-2018, 12:50 PM
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Callie Clark - AS 126
(Matrix)

First let me apologize for taking so long, It was not intentional. Now on to the RP.

It'd a good RP. no one I've seen can capture that rich bitch persona like you can. That being said there were a few things i didn't like.

First thing is Gabi. As an NPC she falls rather flat. I understand why she's there i just don't like her. With Callie on her own or with someone other than Gabi it can range from good to great, with her not so much.

The dinner was my favorite part but I wish you could have combined the last 2 sections and made the dinner longer with more Bates thrown in.

The last part with Stacey felt tacked on and the information you were trying to get across could have been added to the dinner scene. I'm not a fan of watching/reading passive agressive cat fights and that's all this appeared to be.

So all in all a good RP but you've done better.
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  #2344  
Old 05-14-2018, 09:29 PM
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Hyorinmaru Hyorinmaru is offline
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Harald Var Krigare - MD150
(Fallout)

It was serviceable but this was also a bit of a chore to get through. It was long and didn't really seem to say much that we didn't already know. He's Swedish and he's smart.

I need more than that though. You don't need to blow you're wad right off but you need to start giving us more soon or it will get old rather fast

Last edited by Hyorinmaru : 05-14-2018 at 09:32 PM.
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  #2345  
Old 06-05-2018, 05:44 PM
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Hyorinmaru Hyorinmaru is offline
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Blazing Tiger - MD151
(Remix)

It was a very long and confusing RP to say the least. A few things popped out to me as exceedingly jarring that I wanted to mention.

1) Why is Wunderbar there? You brought him back unexpectedly and still haven't told us why. Right now it looks like you brought him back because he's an old character.

2) Proper English: every time you used the word ain't it was rather jarring and you used it a lot in this RP. Proper Grammar isn't 100% necessary as it can add to a charachter but to much poor grammer whether on purpose or not take away from an RP and makes it difficult to read

3) Who is Blazing Tiger? You've been back for a good bit now and i still don't know who he is or why he's in WZCW.

Work on these things and you'll be on the right path. If something didn't make sense or you have any more questions feel free to shoot me a PM.
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  #2346  
Old 08-02-2018, 02:13 PM
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K Web

What I Liked

Your writing technique is exceptional. There is a decent flow to it that I do enjoy. I noticed this with your character Logan, but when it comes down to dialogue you have a solid idea behind what they say having a lot to do with who they are, and that's important. Props to you for giving your characters a distinct voice.

The Keith Kole debut RP has a good, original setting and the funny bits were indeed funny. It's good to have NPCs counteract the bravado the main protag shows. It makes the story you're telling better.

For a debut, it was not terrible.


What I'm Not Sure About

Usually I put "What I Don't Like", but this is a brand new character and I don't have a feel for him yet. Touched on a little bit in Discord, but it rings true - Keith Kole does not seem like his own person with his own identity. You lifted a bit too much from Bobby Roode (you did show mannerisms and have the RP use "glorious" about five times). I totally get Keith being full of himself with no training and that is a nice comedic character trait. Not sure how serious you want him just yet, being a first RP, but based on this alone I do not believe Keith Kole is meant to win matches. Hell, all he knows about wrestling is what he saw on TV! While a hilarious idea, I'm not sure what makes him arrogant being a fry cook and all.


I figure you will flesh him out more down the road, but right now he seems like a character who is way in over his head. A comedy jobber is a compelling read, but if that isn't your end game then you'll need to give your readers more reason to believe that this dog isn't all bark.
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  #2347  
Old 08-11-2018, 10:17 PM
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Feedback from last set of shows:

Vega:

The RP as a whole is well written. We find Vega in a New York bar drinking and agent Fields comes in, we learn that Vega is still struggling to find his place in the world of good after such a long time doing dark deeds. Good job with explaining that his path and Tyrone’s are the same. I mean the meat of the RP is his conversation with agent Fields and it was excellent. Full of great lines.....

Like this one....

In life, velocity means very little. Acceleration means everything. If you’re going 650 miles per hour in an airplane, you don’t feel it. Happiness means nothing unless juxtaposed against sadness. Eating means nothing until you’ve felt hunger. I look at you right now and you’re stuck on the ground watching the World Champion fly by you at a speed you used to live in.



There’s really no faults to the RP and I have nothing else to say but, looking forward to reading more.


================================================== ================================================== ========


Flex:

In a match that had every participant bringing their A game, King Flex brought his A PLUS game. THE STATE OF THE FLEX address RP is pretty simple in idea, it’s King Flex addressing his employees at a podium. This could have easily been a MISS if the character wasn’t engaging or droning on with pointless paragraphs. But it wasn’t a miss. Flex tells everyone that they aren’t a health fitness joint anymore, they’ve become bigger than that, it’s Flexamerica time! Flex’s commentary coming on the end states that he’s against Immigrants with jabs at his opponents. I’m looking forward to more King Flex RP’s with your unique ideas, very entertaining story you have going on right now.
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  #2348  
Old 08-12-2018, 01:48 PM
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Hyorinmaru Hyorinmaru is offline
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Callie Clark
(Matrix [K.C. IX RP])

Out of all the RPs for the Elite Openweight Championship this one was my favorite. You transitioned from scene to scene very well and once again play the rich bratty bitch to a T. Other than me just not liking Gabi much this was great.

Keith Kole
(Kweb)

It really is a decent debut RP but as has been said already it comes off as a Bobby Roode clone. Use him as inspiration if you wish but steer clear of the more obvious & blatant mannarisms from now on and you'll be alright.

King Mussél
(Dynamite)

I enjoyed it and am actually excited to see where you're going with Flex. Politics isn't my favorite topic but you write it in a way that does hold my interest as I read so it's not jarring for me.

Keep up the good work.

Lynx
(Dagger)

I'm going to be honest. This was a bit of a chore for me to get through. The time references don't mesh with everything else and because of that it is a bit jarring and takes me out of the story.

Now onto your 'futuristic facts.' A nice idea but I thought the first one was rather cheesy. I like the idea of a future where everyone speaks a single language but why Al Bhed? I get that you like Final Fantasy but a fantasy language people can actually learn would have gone over better in this spot.

This last piece of advice i hope you take to heart. Write for yourself but never forget people have to vote on it. It seems you've forgotten the last half and it shows in your writing.

Vega
(Infinity)

This is my favorite RP of yours since you came back. Vega's gimmick is him trying to reform and become better than his past and in this RP there was conflict with The Agency wanting him back despite what he says. Build on this conflict and add some more compelling stuff with Alexis and it can only get better IMO.
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