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  #2341  
Old 03-29-2018, 06:51 PM
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Lee Lee is offline
WZCW's EurAsian champion (Still)
World Heavyweight Champion
 
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Yemrez Reqonic

Lethal Lottery is the biggest opportunity everyone in WZCW gets. You win this you have a chance at the world title. You do well you can make a name for yourself. Look at the past winners.

Now thinking of that your RP was an insult to the match writers as well as the others who wrote RP's. I would rip the RP to shreds if it was a MD/AS RP but for Lethal Lottery? Awful RP, I didn't mark it bottom at the time but I've just re read it there and it's close. Where's Yemrez' zeal to want to win? She's a medal winner, she knows how to win yet can't in WZCW why is that?

For example I'm going to take the first four sentences of your RP to show you something:


We see Yemrez standing in the balcony of a hotel.
- This is quite a common place I have Titus but if you want description build to it. Which hotel? There's plenty in Sydney. Can you see their shitty bridge of the Opera House?

The air was cold yet they felt soul-soothing to Yemrez. - Poorly written and doesn't make sense. Change they to it, that makes sense. "The air was cold, yet that comforted Yemrez. The cold reminded her of home" there we go reason to care.

She drinks a full bottle of water.
Imagine a promo in WWE where someone just drank a full bottle of water, not a sip but a full bottle. A bit absurd right?

There was a bunch load of stress.
Why is there stress? You get to it later but as a description it doesn't work.

The sad thing is this is one of your better RP's and it's awful. The wording is all over and it's not coherent at all.

Tell us about the Godless Pikne. I know Pikne's an Estonian Godless, but not many others do. Expand that in your RPs. It's no wonder your lottery showing was bad. It's more upsetting that you don't bother taking feedback on board when you really need it.
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  #2342  
Old 04-04-2018, 01:57 PM
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Tony Mancini:

I'm really liking what you've been doing with the Mayhem championship so far. It's fair to say that the Mayhem title has always been considered the lowest title on the totem pole, which is why it was most likely retired after Vega's amazing run with it some years back; it was doubtful that anyone could ever rival that kind of run with the title once Vega inevitably would have lost it, and it's definitely been a case of hot-potato since its revival. But I honestly think that Mancini has all the tools to not only have the best reign with the title since its revival, but perhaps the potential to rival even Vega's legendary reign.

This was a good RP from you this round, establishing Mancini as a manipulative bastard with his interaction with the shopowner, with clear control over the conversation. I especially like the touch where Mancini suddenly increased the debt by five thousand dollars, leaving the guy speechless, although I do think a bit more doubt from the shopowner would have made this even better, the guy is trying to maintain his family's legacy and gives up just a little too easily; and it would allow Mancini to be a lot more menacing also in his rebuttal of the shopowner.

The second half pertaining to WZCW was a mixed bag. Starting with the positives, I like the general idea that Mancini is aggravated at the concept of the 8 losers fighting him for the Mayhem championship at Kingdom Come, and I love Mancini's proposed solution, that he's willing to fight, but only on his terms; he'll do business and negotiate, but only so he can get the best result for him and his Mayhem championship reign. I love it, which is why I really have high hopes for your Mayhem reign.

With that said, I think Mancini's frustration is glanced over. This should be a real opportunity for Mancini to explain what the Mayhem division and championship means to him, why he wants to enhance it, and why he wants to be on top. Instead it's just "I won the Mayhem throwdown." Speaking of glanced over, PC Stevie Broon? This is a great set-up, a foul-mouthed cop against a manipulative mobster, and you really only talk about him for one line, with the rookie jab. I understand you have your story to tell, being your Mayhem title reign and your character's personal arc, but if you're keeping your RP to a certain length, there's some filler that could be condensed for some more focus on your upcoming opponent, like one or two of Gino's lines, or some descriptions.

Ultimately though, this was a good RP. There were a few spelling mistakes and grammatical errors, but not enough to detract from your writing, and you've clearly got a good grasp of where to take Tony next. Looking forward to where the story goes next.
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  #2343  
Old 04-18-2018, 12:50 PM
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Callie Clark - AS 126
(Matrix)

First let me apologize for taking so long, It was not intentional. Now on to the RP.

It'd a good RP. no one I've seen can capture that rich bitch persona like you can. That being said there were a few things i didn't like.

First thing is Gabi. As an NPC she falls rather flat. I understand why she's there i just don't like her. With Callie on her own or with someone other than Gabi it can range from good to great, with her not so much.

The dinner was my favorite part but I wish you could have combined the last 2 sections and made the dinner longer with more Bates thrown in.

The last part with Stacey felt tacked on and the information you were trying to get across could have been added to the dinner scene. I'm not a fan of watching/reading passive agressive cat fights and that's all this appeared to be.

So all in all a good RP but you've done better.
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  #2344  
Old 05-14-2018, 09:29 PM
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Harald Var Krigare - MD150
(Fallout)

It was serviceable but this was also a bit of a chore to get through. It was long and didn't really seem to say much that we didn't already know. He's Swedish and he's smart.

I need more than that though. You don't need to blow you're wad right off but you need to start giving us more soon or it will get old rather fast
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Last edited by Face McShooty : 05-14-2018 at 09:32 PM.
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