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  #1321  
Old 08-18-2011, 07:44 PM
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Just FalKonika Just FalKonika is online now
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Red Mask/Titus

Just before we start, I was a little confused with the first line:

"We're backstage with Leon Kensworth who's stood outside, it is dark but it is rather calm as though Keystone City is just a bit too quiet"

Are we backstage or are we outside in the place known as Keystone City? I'm going with that we are in KC. Got a little confused there.

There was something about the RP that didn't click with me here. I enjoyed the interaction you had with Leon throughout the start of the RP, good conversation all round. However, the second half when Titus became Red Mask to save KC once more, it did absolutely nothing for me. To me, it was an addition to the RP just to show that you are Red Mask. I can see you might have tried to tie in the fact that the Mask hides all expressions in that last scene but I feel as if you nailed that piece of information when talking to Leon. You didn't need to re-enforce it.

Good RP.


Baez

I've always found your RP's to be quite humourous on a weird level and I enjoy that, especially in a heel character. Pretty good RP I must say as it allows enough time to talk about your opponent and why you are facing him. There are a couple of bits I found a little... off but all in all, you covered everything you needed to cover, Baez-style. I don't think I have anything to complain about here, you've done good this week.


Barbosa

I have no idea how to respond to this RP feedback-wise. I love the characters Barbosa and how he interacts with normal situations, as well as other people figuring him out and how to converse with Barbosas... always amusing and informative but there is something about this RP I can't put my tongue on. I don't what that is, maybe something to do with Myles being the interviewer or maybe because there wasn't anything special about this RP but something is making me not like it. I have no idea why and I can't pinpoint it... so, the only criticism I can give you besides your excellent character work is maybe define the situation more? Idk...


Wasabi Toyota

Oooo... nudity. Awesome!

Other than that, I liked this RP alot. You've gotten all the characters down-pact, your writing is fluent and flowing, the humour is genuine... pretty good for the most part. Only thing I have to complain about is the fact that in the middle of the RP you have a lack of transition into speaking about the match. Not really a criticism as it's more of a persona thing. I hate things that don't transition well, it's very nit-picky of me. Solid RP, where you don't have to fear about nudity considering it's apart of your character. Good job.


Steamboat Ricky

Welcome back, commander.

For the first RP back, you haven't shown a sign of ring rust. The descriptive language is very drawing to the readers eyes, the dialogue is quite good and the character of Ricky is still well and truly alive. Seems like only yesterday that you were still RPing... and with quality, mmmm... nostalgia aside, you've addressed the situation quite appropriately and I've enjoyed every part of this RP. The jokes, the references, the specific wording to align with your character... all good wholesome fun.


Mr. Baller

You've done quite well to combat legends like Everest and Ricky, well done. I must say, you have taken it up a notch for the PPV as well as going against Ricky in a match where he is able to respond back ... the only thing I feel that has hindered your RP is that you've got two rolled into one. Both ideas are executed perfectly but to have both in the same RP I felt wasn't necessary. If you did the Becky interview solely, would have been great. Went with the retirement idea, even better. The two together... kind of loses its machismo. However, it is still quite the RP you've created and I enjoyed it.
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  #1322  
Old 08-19-2011, 02:01 AM
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Wasabi Toyota - This was a avery solid RP. I've never read anything on your character, and this gave good insight into his personality, as well as his past, present, and future, without being boringly long. Boringly is a word, right? Basically - Good work.

Steven Kurtesy - There's not much I can say here, that I didn't say to GD. This is long enough, without being too long, and covers all the necessary angles. It's been a long time since I read anything of your's, and there's vast improvement. (And leagues of improvement, since you killed someone)
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  #1323  
Old 08-19-2011, 04:04 PM
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Blade: Apart from the fact that I think this would've worked better without Becky, say if you'd just had Blade, the kidnap victim and a hand held camera, I think that would've worked really well, outside of the porno set up anyway. It was good, you got over Blade's cunning and nastiness well enough and put over the match too.

Scott Hammond: Aaah the old press conference, good question and answer stuff here, I liked the showdown with Blade at the end as well, gave it more of a competitive big fight feel, a more sort of realistic feel and for me that’s not at all a bad thing.

Alex Bowen: You sold the injuries well, you showed what a nutter your character is, it was good all in all. I don’t think you spent enough time addressing your challenger though, one Action Saxton, instead choosing to talk about how fucked up your body gets, it's obvious that your character is hardcore through and through, a good read.

Steamboat Ricky: Good stuff here, and pretty amusing, nice way to return with the Pirate Flag and all that, just the right mix of comedy and seriousness and the fact that the serious parts were delivered on a boat with a pirate dressed up as an interviewer just made it all the better.

Mr Baller: Nice heel stuff, delivered well, I liked the retirement home scene, reminded me of the good old days when skits like that were prevalent in wrestling. Good RP. I feel you tackled the subject of the returning Ricky and the problem of Everest as the ref splendidly.

Steven Holmes: Going over the top and drooling in front of a state athletics commission was a good touch, quite amusing, you told the feud really well for a new reader although it might’ve dragged a bit for someone more familiar. I liked the idea that your trying to get the submission move that has beaten you banned, nice RP. Contrasting completely with your opponent.

Steven Kurtesy: Not much more I can say about this one, your character is interesting, a complete contrast to your opponents, I like the fact that Kurtesy still seems to be holding out for his old ally. It’s a more interesting take than “AHM GONNA SMASH YEEEUUUWW!!” anyway.

Off out now on the piss now, I’ll try and get the rest up tomorrow
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  #1324  
Old 08-20-2011, 09:40 AM
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Austin Reynolds: A pep talk theme going on here, Reynolds is down, and despite everything he's still going to get up and fight, you really put this over well. Not the kind of thing you'd expect from someone that calls himself the ratings winner, good stuff.

Ty Burna: You really know how to set a scene dont you you twisted man, I can see why your so successful, you really bring your characters to life, I like it.

Sam Smith: Interesting, a pill addiction, being told off by another wrestler, and collapsing at the end in the arms of your fiance, you covered Constantine and the match pretty well, and you've got plenty of material for your next RP as well. Not bad at all.

Red Mask: Not much I can say about this RP, like Falkon I thought the first half was stronger than the second, everything that needed to be covered was covered, the idea of wearing the mask to level the playing field was covered. However if your going with an overlapping theme of Red Mask trying to re earn the respect of the people he once protected, I'd say continue with that idea.

Baez: Strong stuff, enjoyable read, I noticed a spelling mistake or two but nothing particularly bad, it had a good comedy element in it and the dialogue I thought was great, especially after the table went over and you started addressing Red Mask and your position in the company.

The Forgotten Powers: It's obvious that you two are in sync with each other, however I didnt think the promos really, really worked until you started talking about retiring the belts and addressing Stantime, the rest was fun but those bits stood out for me.

Stantime: Love the dynamic between the two wrestlers, how longs Stan Rogers been wrestling? Good use of your own character here. Showtimes' segment was really good, and he put over Stan Rogers very well also, this is a very interesting match up for me.

Barbossa: I like the character, the conflict between them is shown well, I dont know what else to say really apart from the obvious thats already been covered, I will say that people rolling around on the floor laughing hysterically always gets a chuckle out of me. Nice work.

Big Dave: Oooh I hate breaking kayfabe, it was a good way to write Kravinoff out but I am not sure if this should've even been an RP, the whole thing with the video camera was seriously convenient, but I think we are all probably being worked anyway. It was well written however, I just think that the match and opponents deserved more time, but thats just me, and Kravinoff was a pressing matter that had to be dealt with.

Wasabi Toyota: Good use of nudity as usual, and it was well described. A fun read, and using a nudist colony to describe your opponents strengths and weaknesses was a touch of class, it also fits in with your character perfectly. Keep up the good work.

Ale: Cant say too much, the build up at the beggining was good, the joke at S.H.I.T's expense was suitably tasteless, Ale's focused.

Chris K.O Different way to go, but I liked it actually, its like I could hear rain beating down on the windows, well described. Chris K.O is a good character and nice and mysterious too.

Jack Skinner: Ha! Good, pretty funny, I like this and I like the character, and thought the way you addressed the opposition was done very nicely. Nice work.

Saboteur: Nice idea with the promotion, Saboteur is an out there character and this was a suitably out there RP. Cant complain, as I enjoyed it and it got a chuckle, well done.

Black Dragon: Pretty cool actually, an in depth RP, I dont know much about Dragon but despite the length not once did it drag. Very, very nice stuff.
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  #1325  
Old 09-03-2011, 03:01 PM
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Austin Reynolds:

I like this RP a lot, it's short, simple and provided all the information readers wanted to know about from the Aftermath from his match with Ty Burna. Once again you set the tone well with a soft romantic reunion with his future wife, Hayley. You also covered your bases when it came to talking down Jackson Williams. You catered to his gimmick and made up for his lack of history. Side tracking for a moment, did I just see a New breed reference? All I know Ricky Runn ain't no New Breed that's for sure! But well done Austin

However, I do think the slightly depressing attitude Reynolds has about his World Title hopes is not really something I like. The Reynolds I have read about wouldn't change gears and not go for something he came so closer to grabbing. But on the other hand it does leave him open to embark on a different journey.

Ricky's thoughts:

Awww man bro it's awesome to see Mr. and Mrs. Reynolds back together dude! But all that lovey dubby stuff aside I can't wait to see Reynolds do the river dance on Jackson's head. Good luck dude and thanks for coming to my party! I owe you one!
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  #1326  
Old 09-03-2011, 03:57 PM
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Barbosa:

So what did I miss? What is Kravinoff seemingly being written off the face of the Earth? But I like the idea that Barbosa is being Co-Kravinoff for a day. It helps with his image and pushes his gimmick as a loony toon. I am also digging your character, to be honest I was a bit scared in reading your RP's because of how difficult it was to understand your character, but I realized that is what makes your characters unique.

But back on track, the RP was once again well done, it could have used a bit more build up for your team mate Toyota. Half way through I almost forgot you were in a tag team. A play-off from Toyota's old tag team with Kravinoff would have been really cool to see as well. I look forward to reading more of Barbosa.

Ricky's Thoughts:

Boy this guy is kinda creepy, so what's his deal, is there two people stuck inside him or something? Why is he pretending to be a king Kravinoff, whatever dude, I plan on staying as far away as possible from this guy. But I would like to see if he pulls any antics on his team mate Wasabi.
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  #1327  
Old 09-07-2011, 01:10 AM
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The Internet Warrior:

First off, It was kinda strange reading this part.

Quote:
Out of the car steps a lanky man wearing athletic shorts and wearing a WZCW logo t-shirt. On his head is a black wrestling mask, but his excitement radiates through the fabric covering his true identity. What isnít hidden, however, is the giant smile on the manís face as he picks up his duffle bag and begins walking toward the door with the car driving away behind him. He says hi to everyone he walks by, receiving everything from a rushed ďhiĒ to a weak nod in return. When the masked man finally reaches the back door of the arena, he takes a deep breath and walks in.
After a bit of searching I found out that was your character, The Internet Warrior. Now if you're going to color in nicknames, well, they gotta be nick names. But after getting through that, they're weren't any other silly loops like that and I got to read the RP with ease. I like the dialog and I have to say The Internet Warrior is coming up to be one of my favorite Stars, along with Action Saxton, King Shabba, and Chris K.O. And that was with one match, and that is a good thing.

The one last thing I think that needs tweaking is the interview dialog. I am never been of a fan of long, giant boxes of dialog. The best way to break it up is by either adding a few bits of action. Make him shuffle side to side, take a deep breath or a nervours cough, anything. And adding one of the WZCW backstage guys would have been perfect. That would provide some nice back and forth, breaking up the dialog.

Overall I enjoyed it, I can't wait wait for the next round for more of your work.

Ricky's Thoughts:

Ohhh my god dude! You're up against Baller man! I hope you're not too blasted from my party dude. Anyway, if Baller doesn't pull a fast one, you should do fine. Good luck my Brother!
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  #1328  
Old 09-07-2011, 01:31 AM
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Baller:

I would like to start off saying that you're one of the few people who can manage to write a short RP, but are able to cover all your bases in the process. You covered the past, the present, and the future match against Black Dragon and TIW. You did a good build up against Black Dragon and TIW. You gave out an even amount of verbal carnage and played true to your character.

Ricky's Thoughts:

Ohh Bro don't whine like a baby, you lost by a couple milliaseconds big whoop. Instead of crying in your fruit loops you should get ready for your match.
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The streak is broken. I blame Pancake.
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  #1329  
Old 09-07-2011, 12:17 PM
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Ricky Runn

This was a pretty good RP in my opinion, and you really understand your character. However I didn't like how you spoke more about The Internet Warrior's actions at the party than your opponents. In my run as Wilhelm Wunderbar, not talking enough about your opponents was something that counted against me in my first few RPs. I also don't get why Ricky held his party at an office instead of somewhere more suited for a party. It's not like Las Vegas is short on places to have drunken fun.

Overall, a decent RP but not a perfect one.

Steven Holmes

This RP was damn good. You incorporated the past into your present actions perfectly and justified your reasoning for going after the Elite X title excellently as well. But that did sort of highlight that you're doing the same things that you've already done (or tried to do) in the past. That's not a criticism, but it is interesting to see that you're still trying to save a division you don't approve of. Even the "Our scene opens with... Fades to black" stuff was justified, given that it was being portrayed as an internet show. Seriously good RP mate. Well done.

Internet Warrior

I have to say Thriller. You have created a good and fun little character. The RP was similarly good but I do have a couple of formatting issues. I really wasn't fond of the brown text you used for TIW, nor that you needed to identify him every time he was mentioned in the narative. It also highlighted that you used "the masked man three times (as well as the man in the mask once) the colour making it seem more repetitive than it would because of how it draws the eye. I also liked how well you seem to understand your character, especially in the pre-interview portion of the RP. In short this was a good RP, with a few fairly minor issues that can be easily fixed and don't take much away from a good RP.

Mr Baller

This RP was fun to read. Baller was beautifully arrogant and funny here, spitting out fruitloops and getting angry over 0.03 seconds. I also liked how you were dismissive of your opponents without ignoring them. I don't think the "The camera phases into... Camera Fade Out!" was needed. It's fairly obvious when a scene starts and stops, after all. There were also a few logical problems I have with it. I mean there's a "WZCW Gazzette" and the headline on the front is about Baller rather than the Barbwire rope match or Ty defeating Austin? Also wouldn't Baller have the e-mail addresses or phone numbers of the people he could complain to directly? But even so this was a good, well written RP.

Hiraku Susumu

Ah, my opponent. Let me take a moment to say I love your character and I think it's got potential to be used to great effect in dozens of ways. With that out of the way, let's move onto the RP. I loved your throwback to your sample RP with the bonsai tree and how you handled my character and his similarities to yours. There are some grammar issues I have though. There wasn't much need to have the first two lines of speach as separate lines in my opinion and you overuse commas but that's really nitpicking. You seem to me to have absolutely nailed your character and mastered your chosen RP style.

Titus

I loved the shoutouts you made in this RP, from football to Maury they were perfectly done and didn't seem out of place. The interview was similarly brilliant. Just a faultless performance capped off with a perfect ending.

Johnny Scumm

This was a pretty good RP in my opinion. You could and probably should have done a little more research on Titus but I've been guilty of that myself in the past too so as long as you do more in the future it shouldn't be a problem. There wasn't a whole lot of focus in this RP either. There was no need to talk about Saboteur or Runn and since Titus clearly DOES know he's not a super hero (he chose to become Red Mask again for a good reason) there was no need to mention that much. But yeah, a good RP blighted by poor research and focus.

Austin Reynolds

I really loved this RP. It got a lot done with Austin deciding that Hayley is more important then the title and deciding to move away from the Main Event and be the show stealer for now. I also thought you handled your opponent well, dismissing him as a nobody who's beneath you but not ignoring him. Very well done Mr Reynolds.

Action Saxton

Saxton's RPs are, if nothing else unique. I'm going to be honest and say they aren't my favorite style but you've got the character and RP style down to a science. As for the RP itself it was an enjoyable read. Saxton giving a copy of his movie to everyone on earth to prevent calamity just gives the perfect look into his mindset and life. And while I normally like RPs to at least mention their opponents, Saxton is the one guy on the roster who can get away with not mentioning them at all just because of his outlook. Good job with this one Doc.

Last edited by Remix : 09-07-2011 at 12:19 PM.
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  #1330  
Old 09-08-2011, 12:01 AM
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Here’s the feedback for those who asked. Before I get started, here’s a heads up. I try to be as critical as possible, because it is impossible to improve when all you hear is how great you did, and everyone can improve, no matter how good you are. So don’t take what I say as a personal attack, because it isn’t. It’s just my honest opinions on your RP. Feel free to PM me if you don’t understand a criticism.

Alexander Stark

- A couple formatting errors with your text color. Nothing huge, but something that distracted me from the actual content of the RP
- There were a few places where I noticed commas missing, but I’m a grammar Nazi and love commas, so that’s likely a bigger deal for me than anyone else
- The metaphor of a chess game is used a lot, but I feel like this worked well here
- I didn’t like you bringing up that you expect your opponent to lose his temper after you had just talked about your own anger issues. You did a decent job of talking your way out of it, but that definitely did not work the way I think you had intended it to.

Austin Reynolds

- I love the part at the beginning recapping your match. You quickly tie it in, but don’t waste a ton of dialogue/space on it.
- I think I would’ve have liked a little more at the end, as it felt like it was just starting to get rolling with you talking about your opponent when it ended pretty suddenly
- Very, very solid effort here. Nothing overly flashy or spectacular, but definitely an effort that should win a vast majority of matches

Big Dave

- Was that a Harry Potter reference?
- I like the idea of a character adjustment/change for Big Dave. He’s been on top for so long, but never reached the pinnacle. This could be that extra boost he needs to reach that.
- I really want to find issues but I’m struggling. Maybe a little more background about how he ended up there specifically?
- This was really good, and I can’t wait to see where it leads

Ricky Runn

- I will admit that I came into this knowing nothing about your character, but this RP taught me a lot about him, which is good for a newer character
- The entire start of this felt like it was ripped off from The Hangover. I don’t know if this was intentional or not, but it really hurt what was otherwise a pretty creative RP.
- This may just be another Thriller Pet Peeve ™, but to me, having Bateman and Myles confronting you and doing anything other than firing you is unrealistic. You’re new, and wrecked WZCW headquarters. Either ignore the authority figure aspect, or make it play out more logically with only one of the GMs.
- A few grammar issues, but nothing major
- I did like this. You have a bunch of potential, and I can’t wait to see what you can do with more practice.

Ale

- Same as Ricky, why do you need both GMs? Pick one or the other, there is no need for both.
- The second half felt a lot like filler to me. I understand the premise of it and, while unique, didn’t do much for me. Either flesh it out more, or cut it shorter.
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