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  #2241  
Old 09-06-2016, 08:07 PM
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Austin Reynolds (Numbers)

Simply amazing.

There is so much in this RP and you did everything perfectly.

The back and froth between Austin and Holmes was fun to read and ending it with Holmes remind Austin just who gave him his second chance made me feel anger towards Holmes for being a dick and sorry for Reynolds for having to put up with it so he can provide for his daughters.

Then right after that we get first hand knowledge of why he's doing this with Austin just spending time with his daughters. Throughout this RP Austin came off as a heel not because he's a bad person but because he has no choice but to do what he needs to in order to keep what he has.


I liked Logan's RP but I loved yours. If you don't retain I'll be surprised.
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  #2242  
Old 09-11-2016, 04:11 PM
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Mancini

In short, this was functional and I’m not sure it can be described as more than that.

What you posted felt like it should have been bookended by something either side. How did the former World Champion (a face) end up talking to the equivalent of a heel jobber? That really should have been explored, there has to be something set up for that.

I have to say i think your RPs are just too short and therefore lacking real substance. As a result they're just really missing the points that it could and should be hitting but you cannot ignore having a beginning and an end. This started out of nowhere when Mikey comes in and then finishes when Mikey goes. There’s not much in the way of character development, I don’t think we really find out to much that we don’t already know.

You have to give us more of a window into Tony’s world, rather than a snapshot. Dare I say that you need to try and double your word count and aim to give us that basic story structure; a beginning, middle and end as well as an interesting event or two.
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  #2243  
Old 09-23-2016, 11:38 PM
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Xaitlyn Serpiente (Mr. Bean)


This RP is by far your best. 10x better than any before it I'm bummed you got rid of Stokes. I think you could have kept him and has him at odds with Xaitlyn and what she wants but that's just me. I am thrilled you kept Enette though. With Xaitlyn being what she is getting rid of her would have been a huge mistake. You did a great job taking Xaitlyn & Vee's MMA history and tying it into your match. The emails are a nice touch on occasion and it worked here.

My only complaint is the same one I've given to Vee in the grammar structure. It's was horrible and kept taking me out of the story every couple of sentences. I've never seen it this bad in your other posts so I'm confused why it was this bad here.


That aside I really did enjoy it. Keep taking the feedback to heart like you did here and you'll only get better.
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  #2244  
Old 10-05-2016, 03:27 PM
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Showtime, as requested bud: not sure what I’ve got to add for you except maybe a reassurance that you’re doing a fine job.

The Lottery Round RP:

I think this is where my absence affects how I understand the character so don’t necessarily take this as a negative. The talk of Leonard really threw and I had to reread the first section over again. You do a great job of selling the back story even if it was lost on me a little bit. I definitely feel like you’re building to something massive but I’ve no idea what.

The interview ends feels a little samey, like it was cut and pasted from any other RP. But I guess the novelty of the character doesn’t wear off that easily and that’s testament to the work you’ve done with him so far and I suppose it works better for the Roulette Rounds where the affectionate cluelessness of the character puts him on a level playing field.

You faced Tastic, Cooper and Mussel. Killjoy may have well no-showed, but Dynamite and Prophet are outstanding. Dynamite’s RP was one I really enjoyed as my first exposure to the Mussel character. Prophet’s easily could have taken the win. You did well to win this but I could easily have seen any one of your three opponents take the win. In your bid to figure out who won here, I can’t help unfortunately

AS110 – Vis Imperium vs Tastic and Ryder

Well I loved Dave’s RP and Killjoy’s was good if a little too off topic for my taste. Funkay’s was a non event and yours was unformatted and had a lot of typos. I’d see this as basically a 1 v 1.5 between Constantine and Tastic & Ryder, so you start with a big advantage.

Yours is fully formed and it does have that unmistakeable charm & personality, which clearly has got Ryder so far. But I feel like you had the match won before you started.

MD134 – Flex Mussel vs Noah Ryder

The one thing that stands out when comparing these RPs is that the “promo” part itself in your RP is outstanding. It’s absolutely brutal and rips Flex apart on Ryder’s terms. Until that point, the RPs were very difficult to split. But I think that section gets you the win. It’s possible that Dynamite’s focus on The Hollow Ones cost him but I think it’s the promo that wins it.

*

In each of your RPs, you very clearly divide it into sections. Your characters are well defined and there’s nothing complex in the character. It’s simple but in a largely positive way. You’re always got an interview segment, I can’t say I like that but you handle it very well.

I honestly can’t put my finger on why you won all three beyond a bit of circumstance and personal judgement. We’ve been back there before and maybe there are a couple of people who like what you’re doing with your RPs. In that regard it’s difficult to tell you to change something unless you want to.

I guess you could refine it a little, do something different with the character but I have a feeling why you’ve not done that. You clearly have a plan with the character and you shouldn’t deviate from it.
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  #2245  
Old 10-05-2016, 05:52 PM
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Noah Ryder (Showtime)



Roulette Round RP
The first part of this RP between Jessica and Steven was a great way to get a glimpse of Noah's past from Jessica's perspective was a really nice touch. I like how Jessica comes off kind of like a bitch until Steven's outburst explaining why he stays with him when Jessica left and then she calms down a bit and has a civil conversation. Not to many people can pull of the depth of emotions that was shown here and I really like it because you did it perfectly.

And then we get the part with Noah. it was short but perfect. you played into the randomness of what they roulette shows can bring but did it in a way that really showcased the memory loss Ryder has. All in all a great RP made even better when you bring in the fact you had no idea who you were facing when you did this one.



Ascension 110: Vis Imperium vs. Matt Tastic and Noah Ryder - Non Title
you took 3 different scenes with only Noah being the constant and nailed all 3 supporting characters. I can't think of anyone else who would be able to do it like you did here. It all worked perfectly and the 3 scenes worked well both separetely and apart.



Meltdown 134: Noah Ryder versus Flex Mussel
Another great RP. you break all your RPs into sections and it just works. A lot of people I think would try to hard to do something very simple like this and mess it up. I know I would anyway.




My general thoughts
you asked in the discussion thread how you keep winning. The answer is an easy one, you're that good. I can't speak for everyone but I love the Noah Ryder character and I get excited whenever I see you posted a new RP.

If I could think of a single think I think can be improved it's the dialogue between Steven and Noah. Throughout all 3 RPs my favorite parts where the ones between Noah and other people or Jessica and Steven. With Noah and Steven together it's the same. Noah and Steven talk about the upcoming match has but with Noah's memory problems he talks about an outdated roster than he remembers and Steven doesn't tell him the truth. It's perfectly well written the way you have it but I think this would make the great RPs you but out even better.
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  #2246  
Old 10-06-2016, 10:18 AM
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Noah Ryder - Meltdown Madness/Ascension Anarchy

Before giving the feedback I need to say quite a few things about your RPs. Your RPs are not the customary one that many does. Yours is peculiar, in a way that, you bring a story to the table. I don't read your RPs as having potentiality to win matches, I just read them and enjoy them as a story. That's what the reader needs, isn't that?

Alright, let's get into the feedback now.

First of all, your RPs have very few characters and you use them quite well. Less scenes creates less confusion and more comfortability to read. Your RP provides that with ease. What I didn't like in the story is, the lack of emotions in your characters. It maybe contradict to what Milenko said, but the truth is your characters lack a certain level of emotions, in their statements if I've to say precisely. In the first segment, you described a couple of times that Steven shouted. But the dialogues he spoke didn't have the same emotion as described. The reader should sort out the emotions in the story both by dialogues and descriptions. Other than that, I've no problem with that segment.

The second segment is a brief conversation between Steven and Ryder which seemed misplaced a bit until you cleverly welded that with the backstage interview. It might be odd to say that I love these repetitive backstage interviews. You write a story, so it is necessary to add few bits and pieces about the match. These interviews provide that. Moreover, it creates a sympathy of some sort for your character.

Win or loss, you write a story and it'll pay off in big junctures.
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  #2247  
Old 10-06-2016, 12:05 PM
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Noah Ryder - Against Vis Imperium

This wasn't your good work to be honest. I was surprised that you got the win, when I read the shows. It was completely opposite to the RP that I talked about before. You focussed much on your opponent. It wasn't fun to read that 3 times in the RP. It was quite average, unformatted and it times I couldn't figure out which dialogue belongs to whom. I can understand the time constraint and real life got the best of you. Perhaps you got the win by Killjoy's RP.

RP against Flex Mussel

This RP seemed a bit more personal and I liked it. Despite it focuses more on the opponent, it was very nice to read. But the problem is, there are lot of typos in your RP. Sometimes it makes me think they aren't typos. You use 'your' instead of 'you're' in lots of places. So does you use 'than' instead of 'then'. These are the few things I've noticed. You probably should proofread them before posting. They are minor errors but when they occur more than once it really affects the quality of RP.

It's a little tough to write a RP or build a story when you don't have any potential opponents. But in the case of Noah Ryder, you always have an alternate option, KFAD. You used that in this RP. You focussed a little more on that. It really would've been a tough call for the creative to vote on that match but I reckoned you had the better chance.

Idk if it's just me, but it felt like Flex gloating about retiring Showtime really put some spark in your RP as well.

So that's it. You are a great story teller. You just need to keep building the story of Leonard. When you're out of ideas you've the better weapon in the form of KFAD. Proofreading will really help your RP much better.
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  #2248  
Old 10-15-2016, 06:29 PM
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Action Saxton (Doc)

First off let me say Welcome back.

You're high on my list of best to never win the World Title and RPs like this are the reason why.

I loved it. It went into what was going on with Saxton while he was away. It set up the Lottery match and why it's important. My favorite part though was the little nod to the past with the picture with Saboteur & Krypto.

I can't say you'll win but I will predict a top 10 placement.

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Sorry this is rather lame as far as things to improve on goes but I honestly couldn't find anything.
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  #2249  
Old 10-15-2016, 11:29 PM
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Tony Mancini (Frank N Stein)

We have already talked about this RolePlay a lot. But the RolePlay you posted isn't the same I expected. You removed that phrases about God and I think that you shouldn't have done so. They were a nice touch of Spirituality in your RolePlay. Those would have really enhanced your RolePlay. Father saying that he had planned a long sermon but won't do it is even more lame. It's totally dumb. Sermon is Father's job and he would/should do it no matter who the people listening to it are. I loved your that RolePlay but I can only like this RolePlay now. It went from good to mediocre just because lack of logic, atleast for me.
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  #2250  
Old 10-16-2016, 01:22 AM
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Originally Posted by ShinChan™ View Post
Tony Mancini (Frank N Stein)

We have already talked about this RolePlay a lot. But the RolePlay you posted isn't the same I expected. You removed that phrases about God and I think that you shouldn't have done so. They were a nice touch of Spirituality in your RolePlay. Those would have really enhanced your RolePlay. Father saying that he had planned a long sermon but won't do it is even more lame. It's totally dumb. Sermon is Father's job and he would/should do it no matter who the people listening to it are. I loved your that RolePlay but I can only like this RolePlay now. It went from good to mediocre just because lack of logic, atleast for me.
I'll go ahead and do a rare response to an RP Feedback. You have to take into consideration how long his RP is this round. Tony Mancini has ALOT to say and a chunk of it is in the church. When I got to the priest doing a long ass sermon in the middle of the RP (complete with verses no less) it completely stopped any momentum the RP had and it wasn't necessary. Sure it was realistic, but in the end it was padding and did nothing to advance the RP. Franko removing the long sermon from the RP was a wise move and I'm sure creative will agree when they read it.

Keeping the sermon would be too risky for this important LL RP.
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