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  #1841  
Old 07-23-2013, 01:44 PM
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Barbosa

Well, now that you are aware what you're up against, did it stack up to what is currently the best RP of the Kingdom Come season?

It gives a great fight, that's for are. I enjoyed reading this, if not because it has all of the elements necessary for Barbosa to succeed. But there's something about this RP that really sticks out.

Barbosa isn't afraid to get battered in his own RP. In fact, what could plummet certain warriors really strengthens your RP. I've talked about looking weak in an RP, and so far, you've been the only person that has done this, and actually come off looking like a star from it.

Having Holmes and Celeste attack Barbosa shows that they're both aware they need to rely on trickery and ambushes to get the upper hand on Barbosa. And when that happens, it shows that deep down, they're both frightened at the idea of Barbosa. The story is told perfectly.

In the same vein, Barbosa recognizes that he's at a disadvantage without SHIT. The A-ha moment here is fitting for Barbosa; it's the exact way it should be done, but it also does make me wonder why this wasn't done a couple weeks ago. Barbosa is clearly smart, if not crazy like a fox. Why did it take until the last possible week for this to happen? The smoker and the depressive have clearly known for weeks that SHIT was critical to their success, so why did it take this week to talk sense into manic?

Regardless, I can see why, because it synchs up perfectly with SHIT's RP. Which is done fantastically. It's akin to the Saxoteur RP format, and I've already expressed I'm a major fan of this. I love the continuity, I love how coincidence has led to all of these events. I've just been a fan of the dynamic between SHIT and Barbosa.

Right now, this is the match that I just can't call a winner on. This RP didn't make it any easier; this was just as entertaining as Celeste's. did it have the overarching theme that I enjoyed from Celeste's? Not as much, but it also does have a continuity that is fantastic, and builds your match very, very strongly.

SHIT

I loved this, as well. As I stated earlier, the connection to Barbosa's RP is phenomenal. I love every bit of it, right down to the clear synchronization of when you both posted your RP's (I see it as giving the reader forty minutes to read Barbosa's first, then havin SHIT's to continue the story right after. Even gives the reader time to digest before reading the next done. If that was the intent, well done,)

I loved the dialogue between SHIT and Barbosa. There's just something perfect about the chemistry between the characters, and I think this was the perfect resolution. It's also great that SHIT's match becomes the focal point; it isn't just Barbosa's match that matters, but SHIT also has a huge match we all should care about. It can be very easy when you have a tag partner with a big match to get overshadowed, but you made sure that wasn't the case. Very well done.

Two things really startling about this RP:

1. SHIT may be feeling emotion. Again, it's easy to say that SHIT was searching his history for acceptable responses when Barbosa mentions that SHIT isn't fighting for the big shiny. But it could also just as easily be the case of SHIT feeling emotion.

2. SHIT wants Barbosa to calm down his manic side. Fair enough, since it's the manic that wants to get rid of the silly man in the box. But also curious when Barbosa is at his most dangerous in his manic state. And with the world title in play, would Barbosa realistically do that?

Or, with Zeus on the horizon, will SHIT want the manic Barbosa to help ward off Zeus? After all, Zeus isn't watching them for no reasons... Might SHIT need manic Barbosa, to ward off the pending threat of Zeus? Or are they enough as is to handle him?

Hmm....


Regardless, damn good RP's for this week, fellas.
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  #1842  
Old 07-24-2013, 07:58 AM
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Nightmare

This was a very good, and most importantly simple RP to set yourself up for success at the scramble match. With a gimmick like the one that you're going for, it can be really difficult to make RP's that go everywhere, and lose a center focus. This didn't; it did an effective job of building the match, and building what Dustin plans to do against these opponents.

I would say that I'm not sure if the Dustin character is built enough, but then again, you have plenty of time, and that's the least of the issues plaguing Dustin. Sometimes, a nice and simple RP is the best remedy for a slump; ideas didn't go here and there, and most importantly, Dustin seems far more focused than he's been in a while. Very good job holding in the reigns for this RP. I think I would have liked to hear how Dustin plans to mutilate his opponents, but good stuff.

Krypto

This was fantastic. Again, much like Dustin, I don't know how much more I can say when I've given some feedback. But this had everything it needed; resolution of the Missy angle, heat for Alhazred, a way to back up true story for those that just joined the show, and that ending. That. Fucking. Ending. I loved it; at first I was scared, but god damn did I think that was perfect way for Krypto to end an RP for a match involving poles.

Fantastic stuff, really.

Alhazred

I'm sorry to say... I wasn't a huge fan. While Krypto went all out, this felt a little reserved. And granted, I guess that with this kind of feud that can be nice, but I wanted to see just how insane this could get. This is the blow off to the craziest feud in the history of the earth, filled with giants, power gloves, science, everything. Sometimes, reserved can work, I just don't think it did in his way.

It could also just as easily be the gigantic walls of text. Honestly, it makes it a little difficult to read, and makes the RP seem much longer than it needed to be. That, combined with the yellow text for Mister, makes it difficult to follow along, which is a damn shame, really.

Sandy

Where in the fuck was this all feud?!

Seriously, where in the fuck? This was amazing. This is what I was looking for all the time. And I can't speak for everyone, but this is what people wanted of Sandy the whole time for this feud. The dialogue was creepy, the images were prominent and gorgeous. This is the Sandy that can get you the victory, and I would have absolutely no problem losing to this RP. I really enjoyed everything about this RP.

... Except for one thing. If I'm going to critique, I have to be consistent. It was fun to read this, but this also suffered from gigantic blocks of text. Like, even more so than Alhazred's. It's this weird dichotomy; everything was enjoyable, but man did it also feel difficult to wade through stuff this thick. Breaking up the gigantic paragraphs would have suited you better, and that honestly made what should have felt fun a little like a chore. But compared to the content you have, that is negligible. Seriously, I wanted to see this, like, weeks ago. This is the Sandy that I think if you used, would have made Sandy a main event character.
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  #1843  
Old 07-24-2013, 11:00 PM
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Sam Smith

I've already gotten a taste of this RP, and thought it was excellent on first read. Reading it again, it's still extremely good, and carries some extremely creepy language to it.

I like that you directly state an issue, that your work is going neglected, through no fault of you own. At least, that's what I notice most about Sam Smith's tone, which I think is banked on. The idea of fleeting life is touched upon a lot, but this was very well done, observing the (fleeting) mortality of wrestlers. The story about the chocolate cake is interesting; maybe admittedly it was a little windy, but definitely interesting.

There's just one issue I have, and it's something I didn't think about until actually imagining it in my head. Because at this point;

Quote:
Smith pokes his finger into the cake on the table and tries the frosting, nodding approvingly.

Smith: "Happy birthday to me, huh?"

Smith reaches up and fumbles with the party hat on his head. A thoughtful look crosses his face, but his eyes glimmer deceptively. He continues to sit, pondering, for a few minutes before finally speaking up again.
This image? I get the thought of Randy Orton sitting with a stupid pointy birthday hat, with a finger in his mouth, smirking.

.... What's a matter, did Sam Smith sign up for Playgirl?

I get that you were going for creepy with this image; unfortunately, when I think it in my head, it comes off more goofy than creepy. This is what I imagine out of a seven year old, not a cold and calculating heel. Kurt Angle and Edge and Christian circa 2000 wears birthday hats; Sam Smith should not. And what's worse, I think that may have been in the rough draft you sent me, and I didn't really imagine the vision until now. So this falls on me, too.

Other than that image, I thought this was really good stuff.


Grizzly Bob

The tale of two RP's. Whereas Beard's was an absolute clusterfuck of insanity, this had a cohesive story, all on the idea of what it takes to be man.

And frankly, I loved Beard's, but I'd have to say I enjoyed this just as much, if not more. Something that gets underrated in your writing; your ability to write dialect is fantastic. That sometimes gets lost in a fed, especially when grammar can be an issue. But let me tell you, I appreciate that I can actually listen to what Bob is saying in his RPs. That gets you major points.

Your ability to describe nature is right brilliant, and the story told was damn good, that sometimes manhood isn't found through sheer violence. I like the story, I like the respect for the character, but most importantly, I like the overarching theme.

Ace Stevens

I liked this RP; I wouldn't say I loved it, but I certainly liked it. I like the fact that Ace is stil struggling with himself, and that the resolution is there, but it's not so simple. The last line is brilliant, and I really like the dialogue between the the therapist and Ace. I also really enjoy the dialogue of the dream sequence, though I wasn't as big into the the giant wall of text at the end. But I really do like this idea that Ace is conflicted, probably because of seeing someone (Vega) most would assume is very much like you.

The only thing I don't like as much is that Ace feels he has to make a choice. Why does he have to make a choice? Why can't there be a shade of grey? Because the world identifies with Captain Fantastic? That's all well and good, but answer this; why should that matter to Ace? At the end of the day, that seems to fly in the face of a character like Ace, who realizes that at the end of the day, what's important is himself.

Still, nice outing. Do I think it's enough to win? Perhaps, but I wouldn't call it a lock, by any means.

David Whitman

Oh, David, David, David.... What do I do with this?

See, here's the thing; it's a fantastic RP. The beginning promo is great. This line, right here? This one?

Quote:
"The well-meaning man with bad luck like Butters Stotch on Coke and scotch."
It's absolutely awesome. The dialogue between David and DC (frankly, I could give or take the Eli dialogue, but it certainly wasn't offensive) was damn good, too. The Disneyland line was great, the tension was there. Everything about that worked.

There's just one, one problem:

Click for Spoiler:
I like the David Whitman character. Like, I actually like him, and I do not want to boo him.

Listen, I've made no bones about it; I'd like a feud with a face David Whitman. But I'm not just saying that so I can get my feud; this character is written in a very likeable way. He's very down to earth, but he has a dry wit that makes him funny. He sticks up for people, and he doesn't act like a dick. I don't want to boo this man, I just don't want to boo him. But I know I'm supposed to; I just don't want to.


See how that could be an issue? The RP is wonderful, and I really believe it gets you the win. That's just my $ .02, I suppose.
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  #1844  
Old 07-25-2013, 01:09 PM
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Ricky Runn

Pancake, Pancake, Pancake.... I know you were fried, so I'm not going to pile on here, and I did want to tell you that I really do enjoy Ricky Runn the character, and think he's funny at certain points. I think causing a race riot in Manhattan was great; after all, it's heightened circumstances, and the most unlucky thing (save for hanging out with Jesus, and getting him crucified) that could happen to Ricky. And that was pretty good.

Here's the thing; where David Whitman made me want to cheer for him, when I should be booing, Ricky made me want to murder him, put him on a boat, set him on fire, and set him out to sea. I get the point of Ricky's gimmick that he's somewhat annoying, but it's endearing. This time, there was no endearing; even when I should have felt bad for Ricky, I didn't. And swag... Swagga... Swag... Swagga... Swag....



10 times, Pancake. 10 freaking times.

I never, ever want to hear Swag, ever again. Ever, ever, again. Please, drop this, ASAP. I beg of you; I plead upon the mercy of God.

Please?

Steven Holmes

Very, very tense stuff. This raised the tension of the main event of this match by, like, a thousand degrees. There's something to be said about the fact that this has one line of dialogue, yet the tension in this RP is palpable. A king who feels uneasy before battle is always something of a different theme to capture. I can sense the insanity from Holmes, where something as reliable as time becomes a conspiring force against the king. Sam Smith introduced the concept of time in RPs with his and did it great; this mastered the concept, frankly.

That said, and this may not be fair; I'm suprised there isn't a lingering fear of Celeste. Echelon's RP made it abundandtly clear that the chances of the title breaking up these two's happy home is abundantly clear. Granted, there was also resolution in that RP, but I'm somewhat surprised that Holmes doesn't at least turn over the idea that should the king fall, it would be the queen that would be the next to power. Holmes spends his time wondering of the unpredictable Barbosa; why not worry about the woman that sleeps right next to him?

Nevertheless, I really enjoyed reading this. Tense, very tense stuff.

Constantine

Well... This sucks

Not the actual RP, that itself was very good. I wouldn't go out of my way to call it great, but certainly good. But it does suck you'll be leaving. And here I was, having written my own fan fiction feud between Blade and Constantine

Well, looks like that fan fic Blade and Sam Smith feud will have to do.

This had pathos in it; big time points for that. I really enjoyed the fact that a relationship is concimated; coming into the fed, I wasn't sure where this was going, but hopefully something along those lines. I hope to see one day in the dirt sheet thread that Constantine and Mia have wed on some island in the South Pacific. This invoked sympathy from me, and if that was the plan, kudos.

That said, I wasn't sure how I felt about this essentially resigned to a loss. That's frankly what I read, and when you have Action Saxton, who's in the same boat and is doing the opposite, it becomes a little noticeable. Then again,your circumstances are different.

Regardless, this is sad. I really hope you enjoy the down time man, and I really hope this isn't the last RP we've seen from you.

Isabel Stone

Ding. Ding. Ding. Ding.

I don't know how many of you have ever read my "Fab Five" thread, but in that thread, I wrote the following of Ms. Stone;

Quote:
You needed a feud, like, a long time ago. But here's the thing; you don't do much help by doling out an RP like the super show round. To me, it was cute, but a little uninteresting, and meandering. Sad, because before this, you were on fire. And that fire makes me realize that if you had a feud, you could be great.

So how do you do it? Start calling out people in your RPs. Look at Blade's RP from the super show round. Blade doesn't have a feud, but he had a basis for a title shot, and he called for it. He's basically saying "hey I'm on fire, creative, do something."

There is absolutely nothing, nothing wrong with that. I'd love if you did that in your RPs.
I'm not sure if you read that, but this round, I felt, was a shining example of why you could be great. You got back to focusing on your opponents, you called out their weaknesses. And lo and behold, son of a bitch, this felt far more focused, and hyped up the match so much better. I'm still curious exactly how you would do in a long term feud, but if this is any indication, I'd stake a bet that you'd do pretty damn well.

The only thing I would say is this; now, you gotta also be able to build your opponents up, before you tear them down. After all, if you win now, who did you really beat, going by your RP? Sometimes, it doesn't hurt to make your opponent look a little credible, but that's a minor quibble. I'm not sure if you have the win this week, but you sure are a lot closer to it than last week, and I think this Redo is exactly what you needed.
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  #1845  
Old 07-25-2013, 01:42 PM
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Feedback time, children! Gather 'round!

Grizzly Bob

- The reason why I like this character so much is that you can write and RP where he's doing stuff as mundane as shaving and hanging out with his dog and it's still fun to read. Grizzly Bob has written charisma.

- I'm torn on how Bob is affected by his feud with the Beard. On the one hand, I think yelling at the dog was a nice touch. But when Bob is on the hike and is being affected so much by the matches with Beard, it seems a little too far to me. The feud isn't that personal, and even if it was, Bob seems to me like a strong man, who'd be able to hold together emotionally in that kind of situation. I could be wrong though, he's your character.

- I think the stuff with the bear was a somewhat of a missed opportunity. I understand the message you were trying to convey, and the emergence of the cubs was a nice moment. But I think if Bob could've wrestled the bear, not seriously, just teaching the bear a lesson, it would've added some much needed light-heartedness to what is quite a serious RP.

- Still a good RP. It's going to be a close contest between you and Theo, and rightfully so, but I think you might just edge it.

- Blade wants his cigs back!


Dr. Zeus

- Firstly, I don't know if you were taking my feedback from the last round on board or if it's just coincidence, but you allowed us to get to know Dorian a lot more here, and it really pays off.

- Those last few lines of the backstory segment were spine chilling. Nicely done.

- I think someone mentioned that Leon likely wouldn't have gone to that church out of sheer fear. Most people write Leon as being a spineless wimp, and while I don't see the character that way, I still don't think he'd go to an abandoned church on an invitation from a murderer. It's kind of just a dumb move on Leon's part. Klamour, Becky and Stacey never would've gone there.

If I was you, I would've had some kind of intern who didn't know what was happening to record what was happening instead. And then, perhaps, the intern returns back to the company and is never the same again. Sorry, I'm rewriting your RP in your feedback.

- I always have too much to write about your RP. I'm lazy, I don't want much to write when I'm giving feedback, dammit!

- The RP seems to be written from Leon's POV, right? You describe really well what he's feeling, but that's only half of it. You don't describe much about what he's seeing. I'm someone who really enjoys knowing about a character's surroundings and the atmosphere. What does the church look like? What does the woman look like? Those are things that Leon should be telling us from his POV.

- As I've said in the discussion thread, it's all very intense and creepy. It's awesome.

- It's good, though not my favourite of your RP's. I think, for the first time, there's a chance you may lose. It's a battle between Creative's love for you and the surprising brilliance of Falk's RP. Can't wait for the match, though.


S.H.I.T

- Another abandoned church! I know you basically set the bar for abandoned church RP's, so I won't hold it against you that Zeus did the same thing

- This may have been said several times before but S.H.I.T really reminds me of the Geth, especially when you go full-on in writing from S.H.I.T's POV. S.H.I.T's perception of the world and how it experiences the situation it's in is both intense and mesmerising. If all that makes sense.

- The conflict that S.H.I.T feels just makes it a better character. But I'm sure you know that.

- You and Barbosa just write each other so well that it's easy to forget that Barbosa is his own character, not an NPC you came up with. The chemistry and back and forth is magical. Yep, I just used the word magical, so what?

- The conversation with Bob at the end is surprisingly deep. You do a great job in making us care about this character, sympathising with it at times, despite the fact that it's such a ridiculous character.

- This is one of the best RP's I've ever read from you, and I can't find anything to criticise. You deserve the Elite X title.


Dustin Hunter

- You used Hunter's frustration at losing his match. That's good, it's what you should be doing. But it came off a little bit shoot-y. You made your feelings clear about your loss in the discussion thread, so this almost feels like some kind of 'fuck you' to Creative.

- You don't have the worst win-loss record. That would belong to Doug Crashin. And you're still significantly better than him. Just for the record.

- I actually like the Katie character, she's naturally likeable compared to Hunter, and acts as a good foil to him. You should use her a lot.

- You go over your opponents pretty well, you understand their situations and their weaknesses.

- There's not much else to say, cause this is quite a short RP, but it's a good improvement over last week. You have a decent chance of winning this scramble. You just have to figure out your strengths.



Sam Smith

- Your description is, as always, superb.

- I like Smith's cynicism, even towards something as joyful as a birthday. He's just a messed up guy. But he's also human, as evidenced by the story about his mother and the cake. It makes for a compelling character.

- I'm sure not many people are going to agree with me on this, but considering it seems like Merkley is not going to be around to RP, I would've put over Smith's anger and bitterness by ripping into Rush. That's not to disrespect Rush or Merkley, I just think it would've added to the RP.

- He seems to have nothing to prove, but wants to prove it anyway. In that regards, I see a lot of the old Blade in Smith. And I, of course, mean that in a complimentary way.

- Abortions? This just got a little too heavy. But at the same time, I love how Chelsea's confession seems to make Smith even more twisted rather than making him depressed. And that last line is killer.

- This RP has made me realise why people were campaigning for you to be in the World Title picture. Absolutely excellent work. To the point where I wouldn't even mind Smith holding the tag titles on his own.
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  #1846  
Old 07-28-2013, 12:45 PM
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*Steyn's sexy six-shooters*
(FB for Dr Zeus, Blade and The Angel)

Dr Zeus / Haiku
*The whole arc with Sandy being dreamt into being (actually meaning that she's nothing) is very imaginative and original and I'm glad you ran with it.
*The opening with the wife was sweet, if a bit idealistic, but it works. I don't find the Pallet Town theme as creepy as you apparently do, but at that very moment, it works both ways: 1) The happy music is the last echo of Geigel's sound mind. 2) The creepy music forshadows the fall of Geigel.
*Now we get the REALLY good stuff. Very vivid picture of where we left off with Leon. You kept Zeus as a mysterious figure by writing this part from Leon's perspective.
*Great imagery, not only by you, but by Zeus as well. The body bags, the pictures, the symbolic burning of Sandy... Riveting stuff.
*Sneaky little feud you teased with Technosa - love it. You weren't afraid to swing for the fences with Sandy and you'll give these two gentlemen a good run for their money.
*Just so I'm not completely reverse-cowgirling you - Dr Zeus's speeches... While I can certainly appreciate all the effort that go into them, I can only read so many rhyming couplets in an RP. On the one hand, it's a great and gimmicky way of writing him, but on the other, his lines tend to become a tad long for me personally, but I'm sure a lot of the readers like it as it is.

Blade / Blade
*Great dream you had there. People have no idea how it is to be homeless. This was as good a look at the despair and injustice that the homeless face as any. It was a rare working mixture of gritty and tongue-in-cheek.
*Blade bullied Joe into an overly stiff drink. We all have an uncle like that, I could relate. You built on your gimmick with Blade stealing hotel property, but, tell me, how exactly would a homeless person use a lightbulb?
*Personally loved the comic relief. It wasn't just a Grizzly mention for the sake of it, but it eased up on the readers before drawing them back for the meatiest bits of the RP. Same with Izzy's balls.
*Instead of burying your opponents, you put them over. Personally, I respected this. Honestly, I never was a huge fan of the "destiny" angle and I thought you'd go with "wily old vet". The plight of the poor is the primary drive behind Blade's face run and reverting to old Blade would lessen the impact his nightmare had on him.
*Joe was your interviewer - a useful little mute who allowed Blade to give an unofficial promo. What was original about Joe, was that as a bit-player (who we'll probably never see again), he had a backstory, a little personality and some actual impact on Blade's story.
*Great, great ending - nice little twist and highlights Blade's cunning and protection of the vulnerable. Great job.

The Angel / FWR
*Being in a tag-team is tough if it doesn't work out. If there's some animosity between the partners, especially so. Nice job, then, with an out-of-nowhere RP.
*I'm assuming you were also Armando Paradyse's handler, since Angel was linked with him before. Good job of Armando keeping kayfabe. Having said that, if it WAS him under the mask, he'd still know about the tag-team, so it left me a smooch confused. Was this because (and now my brain is broken) according to Angel's dream, this foreign AP wouldn't know his secrets?
*The rolling around was a tad sudden, even for a dream... It just felt like that part came out of nowhere, too. I don't know how one would flesh that out a little. You did give hints, but I felt the foreplay/ease could've went on longer. Considering your situation, it's understandable.
*The confrontation between Angel and "mirror" Armando was excellent, if not completely original. Still, the rhetoric was superb and Paradyse is getting a lot easier to take seriously.
*I thought the first two parts of this RP lacked a little in description. The third part was very good, but (especially with all the drama of the first two scenes) I missed it in the previous parts.
*It was a little more Armando than Angel, but I can understand that, because you're trying to build him as a threat. I like the Angel, love the gimmick, but wanted to see more of him. I get it, though, but if you're switching to AP completely, remember that there's at least one reader very much looking forward to Angel's character development.
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  #1847  
Old 07-29-2013, 06:42 PM
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Alright, what's that? I've fallen woefully short of the whole roster? Well... Fuck. Looks like I should do some moar feedback!

Ok, so here's the deal; right now, I really want to get all of the people from WZCW weekend, seeing as how they're show may be going on any second from now. So I'm going to do five (count 'em) five RP's here, then I'm going to do what's left of the WZCW weekend, and then tackle the big boys I hadn't before.

Action Saxton:

So... You're last RP, huh? Last one, you say? Well, then, let me be the first to tell you... It was good.

Very, very good. Would I call it Fab Five good? Nope, but I still enjoyed reading it.

The story, as always, was ridiculous. But that's always good. I understand why Vance Bateman is written the way he is, but from my experiences, he seems to come off more as a bastard. Of course, my main experience with him is from Blade's RP, so...

I kind of was waiting for that moment between Saboteur and Saxton, that sort of farewell feeling. This felt like filler, when it should have been conclusion, if that makes sense. Granted, JGlass does a good amount of that closure, but I also did like his RP a bit more.

The story was good, I just don't think it was the best I've seen from you. Again, high standards considering I rank you as one of the best we have, but this just didn't live up to it.

On a personal note; yeah, it sucks to see you go. Really really does. And I hope to see you come back soon, brother. Be it as Saxton, or someone else.

Mason

You got that royalty check in the mail, right?

Awesome; anyway, this was the explosion I guess I've been waiting for. I was waiting for Mason to finally question GM on bringing in DC, if he really has that big of a problem with him. It was done awesomely, and more importantly, no one got buried. It can be pretty easy, when doing the untrusting partners thing, to bury the partner. This didn't, and it really was some pretty tense stuff.

I love the tying together of sin; IIRC, you and Mystique did this pretty damn well, synching up exactly what you wanted to talk about. And luckily, there was never that moment I felt Mason and GM would break up. Solid, solid stuff.

Angel

I like the idea of the new direction; you just have to be sure it doesn't tread into Barbosa territory. Like I said to you in a PM, I'm thinking more the Nutty Professor.

But, if possible, make it a little less comedic. The Armando/Angel conversation in the mirror was good, but it should be held to a minimum. I think that way, you can make the characters less aware of the other's "actions", and add more of a statement to what you're trying to get across.

And, like I said before, stick to this idea. Trust me; sticking with the idea is your best option. Really pretty good stuff here, though.

James Howard

I remember you wanting to make sure the loss of sanity is apparent in Howard, and it is? I see a person that can't even carry his family duties because of how obsessed he is with work; if that was what you were going for, you nailed it. I can sense tension with everything in Howard's life, and this was absolutely a success. Did it synch up with the members of your teams RP? I'm honestly not so sure, but I don't think that hurts the RP so much. Good stuff, I say.

Derek Jacobs

Brother, I'm gonna miss you

That said, I'm sure that you were packed and that this was what you could offer. It was ok, but I do think there will be an issue with talking to the gravestone. Again, I appreciate the intent, but I think it can come off a little cliche.

That said, it makes perfect sense, since Derek has no one else to turn to. This was the type of getting back to focus that the character needs, and so I had no problems with it. Again, it was short, but definitely serviceable, if there was ever the time to use that word.

Next four coming in like an hour ish
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  #1848  
Old 08-09-2013, 11:44 AM
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Theron Daggershield

This was certainly a very enjoyable read. As a person that plays Munchkin, I can sort of get some of the jokes and humor that's to come with these RP's, and it's very apparent that you are just enjoying writing these things.

First off, something that's more important than anyone can know; it's clear you're writing about what you enjoy. You are going to have so much fodder for your RP's. The bigger the fight, the higher level the monste you'll face to get For treasure. When you can write about what you know, it's going to help.

The dialogue has a certain whimsy to it. It was still easy to read, but also tied into the theme. I'd read some Tolkien to get he writing down. And I do enjoy the transition to the world, and the almost tongue in cheek look in the way gamers take the game too much into reality.

The thing that would make this better is less characters, more description. I know parties might be gigantic, but you also want to give the party a chance to shine. Maybe give them some real world characters who have traits like their D&D kin. Less characters and more writing of the setting and scene will help your RP's go a long way.

Still, very fun stuff
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  #1849  
Old 08-14-2013, 07:47 AM
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Bobby Adams


I'm really not sure how I feel about a rather... Exposing first RP, in which Bobby kind of breaks kayfabe wide open.

Actually, I know how I feel about it; I hate it. I don't hate the writing, because it's all well written. I don't even hate the story, it's pretty common but well done here. But I do hate how your RP basically just says, "it's all bullshit". I'm not the kind of guy that says breaking kayfabe kills the business, don't get me wrong. But when in segments, characters like:
  • A person who thinks he's a robot.
  • A person who thinks he's an alien
  • Probably why I'm most pissed, a rhyming doctor who's here I purge the company of mental disorders.

All exist and thrive, both in the ring and backstage... You see why I disliked this so much? I can't feud with this character, and neither could many of the weirder characters, if the angle is that this is all not real, and we're nothing like the characters we portray in ring. And yes, I get that it's a different fed, but I don't think the light switch clicks the moment you enter WZCW, and it becomes real.

I'm probably being too harsh, because it's well written and the characters are likable. But man, I don't want to feud with Bobby Adams after this. And it's not because I don't like you as a writer and person. It's not even because I can't thinkfnoa good story, because I can. It's because if you're taking the shoot approach, my character, really all of our characters, get exposed
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  #1850  
Old 08-21-2013, 04:01 PM
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Ok, here we go. First round of feedback.

Bobby Adams/Dave

You're one of my opponents this week in the battle royal, but I still wanr to give you feedback anyway.

Overall, I genuinley liked this RP better than I liked the last couple of Constaintine ones. Personal preference probably.

No grammar issues that I saw, and the story of the RP was really good. Most people didn't like the kayfabe-breaking stuff, but I thought it enhanced and was a really good part of the story. Good job.

Mason Westhoff/Thriller

All hail the king of the short RP's. Plain and simple.
Every time I read one of your RP's, and I guess this is because I was so personally involved in Mason's story, I can see everything you're saying in my mind's eye. And while I would've liked to see more interaction between Mason and the rest of the Altar, It's beem a while since you've been home. And that worked really well here. Good stuff.
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