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  #1341  
Old 09-09-2011, 03:44 PM
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Harthan Harthan is offline
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Here's a bit of feedback to start off with, I'll try to get in more as time permits.

Ale: I liked this RP a lot. It had a lot of quiet intensity to it, which is a nice thing to pull off. I thought that some of the dialogue was lacking and a little bit unnatural. For example, the metaphor vis a vis the dolphin and a tiger shark was a little awkward. I would have preferred Ale and George never started talking about the weapons they were gathering (when they grab the trays, etc.). I felt like the vibe going on before that was very nice, of two men knowing what they have to do, without a need to discuss it. When George snaps at Ale after nodding (unless I read that incorrectly) it seemed a little off - there didn't seem to be much tension between the two, and this was incongruous. The sentence "Wow, I see how you have negative feelings towards that guy. " is awkward - perhaps something like "I see you're not too fond of that guy" is a little better. The former has a stiff formality to it that doesn't jive. There are a few grammatical errors scattered about that a more thorough proofreading would catch, but we all make them from time to time. If it sounds like I'm nitpicking, I am, because overall this RP was really good. It's structurally sound, reveals and develops character, addresses the opponent, and is unique to your character. Once those kinds of things are addressed, the only left is the little details. Overall, very good.

Alex Bowen: There are more spelling and grammatical errors here than is average, so I'd keep on eye on that. In particular, you're misspelling "where" (ware) and "sitting" (setting) repeatedly. I felt like overall it was a bit scattered and rambling. I got bored after a little while - you were saying a lot of good stuff about your character, Ale, and the match, but a lot of it was repetitive and not presented compellingly. I thought the ending was a little bit copped from O'Neil, which hurts it a tad. I can appreciate the tongue in cheek, but perhaps it's more suited for the middle of the RP, rather than the closure. I'd say this was pretty decent and average, with what I've already discussed dragging it down.
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  #1342  
Old 09-09-2011, 05:14 PM
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Ale

I was really happy for you when I saw the card and realized that they gave you a Mayhem Title shot. You have been placed in some very tough matches since your debut, and I think it’s fitting that you got this. However, I was not expecting such a brilliant performance. I have read every one of your roleplays since your first contract battle royal one. You have impressed me so much with your progress, and I truly believe that you are worthy of winning this title. It was not perfect, but it is definitely great compared to your early works. You had a few grammar errors, but they were hardly noticeable because of how engaged I was into your roleplay. Good job bro!

S.H.I.T.

Very plain jane. It’s good that you brought in a secondary character to increase character depth. I thought it was originally going to be an origin piece with Gustav being transformed into S.H.I.T. So, you could imagine that I was a little disappointed. It was well written, but I would like to see more depth. Like the cliché robot learning to love, or something.

Jack Skinner

I was a tad afraid that this roleplay was going to turn into an approach on Rebecca Serra, but it’s good to see that it didn’t. It is very well written, but it was very simple. Great structure, good writing, but no jazz. Good job man.

Wasabi Toyota

I love the blend of seriousness and small chunks of humor that you do. Toyota has half of a chance of being the new WHC, so in reality this should be the biggest thing that he cares about. He needs to care about destroying Barbosa to get it. Some people will probably feedback you and say that you should have mentioned your opponents more, but in reality it’s not a top priority. The objective is not even to win this match, it should be to further examine Barbosa. Good job man.

Steven Kurtsey

Great roleplay coming out of your feud with Holmes. It truly felt like a “moving on” type of piece. Your roleplays are always fun to read and very fluid in their structure. I don’t see you have much trouble reintroducing your self to the single’s division. The only errors were a few grammar problems and fragment sentences.

Ricky Runn

What silly antics could Ricky be up to this time? A birthday hangover? Nice. The roleplay had a very good structure and flowed well with its transitions. There were a few minor speed bumps with grammar, but I think you have finally got better in how your use tenses. I liked Ricky’s innocence in this roleplay. He reminds me of Kelso off of That 70’s Show. Great job Ricky.
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  #1343  
Old 09-10-2011, 08:37 AM
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Ricky Runn:

The Hangover 3: Ricky's Revenge? That's be a movie I'd love to see... however I can see you have vastly improved from the last RP and have centered the RP environment and situation around the RP writing (i.e. the big party wasn't there just to show that Ricky is a thrill-seeker). Apart from the grammatical/spelling errors, it's a solid RP. I must admit, I did go into a lulz-moment when you thought Bateman's rhetorical question was a green light to hold a party. Awesome work... wouldn't have occurred to me to use that.

I'd say next time put some more emphasis on your opponents but I'll let you have the pass considering this is a handicap match. In these situations, you either try your damned hardest to earn the victory or produce an RP that'll help you in the future/build on character developments. Good to see that you've picked the right one here. I'm loving the Ricky character and the RP possibilities are endless for you... continue this work and improvements and you'll be a champion before you know it.
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  #1344  
Old 09-10-2011, 02:35 PM
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Dr.Kurtesy:
-The setting in the RP is fantastic and it paints the image you obviously intended for it to be.

-The dialog sounds a whole lot like medical doctor gibberish (Which is a good thing considering Kurtesy is a doctor and his lady friend is a nurse.)

-I love the whole "Peace at mind" deal you have going on with your character. Granted I have not been around long enough to known of Kurtsesy's past but from the sounds of it he did a lot of things he sure did regret.

-Following up on my last comment, Kurtesy seems to be having "Brian Kendrick" Syndrome. I could see a few of your upcoming RP's of him medatating or doing some "Zen-shit"

-As always a top notch RP by you. I always love reading your RP's because I feel a little bit smarter at the end of them.

Ricky's Thoughts:
Woah man, I think that match you were in put a few more dents in your head then you might think. I would never have thought of a "Mental coma" before dude. But hey, if it lets you sleep at night and get over your demons I don't see anything wrong with that. But hopefully it's the right state of mind when you're up against Action Saxton and Baez. Be on your guard but I trust you would be able to win this match, because afterall, you are a doctor.
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  #1345  
Old 09-10-2011, 04:11 PM
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Titus: Oh hey, Sunderland lost to Newcastle did you hear? That yellow font's a bit ugly isn't it? Foreshadowing change perhaps here? I like, I like. I liked the first bit, but this second part's a response to Scumm's RP which isn't something that work's very often. It's a little lazy in some people's eyes. I mean, don't get me wrong, it's good, but it's not like it's that interesting. The closing paragraph is by far the best thing in this second part of the RP. It shows a different side of Titus in comparison to Red Mask and that's good RP work, otherwise, okay stuff.

Ale: It was said before, and I'll echo it, Bateman and Myles did not need to both be in this RP. They're not friends by any stretch and they certainly wouldn't do that with Ale. Ale questioning Bateman/Myles why they care doesn't really work for me either. Chris K.O. note was pretty funny/good. There's a bunch of good stuff here, but we're at a point now where Ale needs to develop as a character and move forward. Evolving the character is a necessary thing for any/everyone. Pretty good none-the-less.

James King: King getting angry is good. It shows a new emotion from King that we've not really seen before as he rose up the ranks of the tag division with relative ease. The lack of Alhazerd is somewhat odd, even though he's left now. I would have thought that there would at least be some sort of dialogue concerning him individually rather than just as a team. However, what this RP does establish is a sense of independence to King's character now that he's separated from Alhazerd and he's now begun to develop a new persona. Good work.

Blade: First off, hope all is good with your new accommodations. Anyway, a different approach here from you and I enjoyed the shake-up. Usually you can expect some chaos, fear and darkness from a Blade RP. Here however, it was more of a reflective peace, looking over what has happened, and what is yet to come. That works on a lot of levels and is something we don't see done in this way a lot. In terms of problems, there are parts that seem to be filler to add length. They're not necessarily needed, and despite it's length, it was a thoroughly enjoyable RP.
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  #1346  
Old 09-10-2011, 06:45 PM
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The Internet Warrior-

Positives:
Lots of description
The use of other characters (especially Blade, I liked using his character as a cameo a couple of RP’s back)
Great character buildup here; really lets me know this guys gimmick/ his past before WZCW

Negatives:
Just a few (not too many) grammar mistakes, but mainly in the opening paragraph
When you say the lanky man and put it in one color, and then the masked man in the same color, it can throw the reader off. I suggest that if you’re going to use a guy’s description instead of just his name, either use one, (i.e. the lanky man) or use both (i.e. the lanky masked man).
Just a suggestion, when you introduce a character, it’s better in my opinion to put a description of the guy you’re about to introduce at least, nothing big though.


Baller-

Positives:
WZCW Gazette? Creative.
I like the 2.97 seconds part. That, again was very creative, and it’s something that most of us either wouldn’t have thought of, or wouldn’t have posted, and I like that.
Usually when I read someone’s RP after a huge loss, they either focus on the loss 95% of the time, and their next opponent 5% of the time, or the other way around. With your RP, you mixed both of it in pretty evenly, which is very, very good and important in my opinion.


Negatives:
Grammar, quite a bit of mistakes.
When you say “who is this Internet Warrior Guy,” and then talk about his background, then I think that he knows a bit about the guy, besides saying he’s never heard of him a few lines before.
Don’t really see someone like Baller eating fruit loops. Haha.


Black Dragon:

Positives:
Just as always, your RP’s are easy to read, and easy to get in to.
I really like the similes and metaphors you use in the RP’s.
Very deep RP, with a lot of description.


Negatives:

It was hard to understand who was speaking in most of the dialogue.
I didn’t feel like you talked about your upcoming match as much as you could have.
This RP didn’t bring out who your character really is as much as your other RP’s have.


Scott Hammond:

Positives:
Hammond seemed a lot more serious in this RP than he has in his other ones (especially the one against me); I feel like you write better when Hammond is more on the serious side than the funny side.
Despite Hammond being obviously furious, he keeps on the face side, which is very good for his character in my opinion.
Very strong dialogue from everyone you used here.


Negatives:
I find it a bit unrealistic that a detective would take a bribe.
Felt like you could have had another line or two talking about Blade, or making it clearer on how exactly Blade cheated.
More description of the setting itself could have been put in as well.


Blade:

Positives:
I like how you used your opponent’s RP against him.
Good job explaining the handshake.
Lots of description while describing Hammond.

Negatives:
Obvious lack of dialogue.
Didn’t mention the rematch.


Action Saxton:

Positives:
Saxton’s my favorite character next to S.H.I.T, and all of your RP’s are very different, and creative.
Lots of description with the characters and the actions.
I like how he’s not sad about the loss, and he is still focused on his goal of winning titles.


Negatives:
Saying orphans have sad little lives is more of a heel move than a face one.
Don’t talk about your next match.


Steven Kurtesy:

Positives:
Excellent dialogue between the two here.
Good opening paragraph; it really drew me in to the RP.
I like the doctor-nurse connection a lot.


Negatives:
Could have some more action in between the dialogues.
Small grammar problems.


Baez:

Positives:
I’ve always enjoyed your RP’s and your character, and this one is no different, very readable, and easy to get hooked in to.
Calling out your opponents was great, fun read about Saxton especially.
Still mentioned his huge win over Titus.
I liked the humor about McDonalds with Becky.


Negatives:
Very small Grammar errors.
Could have mentioned more about Rent A Video a bit more instead of just McDonalds, but it really doesn’t matter.


Ricky Runn:

Positives:
Strong Dialogue.
Good use of NPC.
Even though it’s 2 against 1, he’s still pumped up and ready for the match, which fits his character well in my opinion.


Negatives:
Small font; really not a fan of that; kind of hurts my eyes after looking at it for a while.
Would a 16 year old in a major wrestling promotion really be open about drinking? Especially with wrestling, I would find it un-realistic for a company to fire a 16 year old, who makes it publically open that he drinks (not talking about parties in general though; just want to get that clear; I really like your gimmick, and this was your best RP yet minus the font).
Some spelling errors.


“Showtime” David Cougar:

Positives:
Great way of using Rogers in general. I especially liked how you set up the start of his RP with the interview with Kensworth (well it would have been).
His conversation with Bateman was gold (I don’t say that too often). How you used both your character and Bateman was great, and Showtime was able to get his way again.
The Show was great as usual, as I liked all the aspects you used in it.


Negatives:
In the phone call with Showtime and Bateman, you only used one color. I mean, I could tell who was who since it was so short, but you still used one color for two men.
I think one grammar error, but I need a second thing to say.


Stan Rogers:

Positives:
I like Stan’s sense of humor.
Stan’s lack of knowledge about technology is a good addition to the character.
Got your point across about Runn, while staying on the face side of the tracks.


Negatives:

Kind of upset that your RP didn’t start after Showtime introduced Leon to Stan in his RP. That would have been really good in my opinion.
The opening part was pretty confusing, but that just might be me.
Some very small grammar errors.


Jack Skinner:

Positives:
You really established your character well in this RP; I really liked that.
There was some good humor in here in my opinion.
Talked well about your opponents.

Negatives:
Some small grammar mistakes.
Jack seems like a coward towards the conclusion of the RP, which really didn’t fit with me.
How would Becky walking out of an interview “kiss his chances of winning goodbye”?

S.H.I.T:

Positives:

S.H.I.T is honestly my favorite character in the entire fed, and your RP’s suit the character very well.
Good introductions to your NPC.
Great humor.


Negatives:

The RP was more about Gustav than it was about S.H.I.T’s match, and Gustav till wasn’t that thoroughly introduced.
Could have been a bit longer; kind of adding on to the comment above.


Sean Cruz:

Positives:

Sean’s story for me seems very inspirational, and something that you would see in a movie. That just might be me, but I really like that about your character, and this RP added on to it.

Good introduction to the NPC. Really liked her role in the RP.

He’s obviously not cocky, which makes a great face, and a different one, because a lot of faces are pretty cocky.


Negatives:

Instead of putting a :0 in your dialogue, I suggest you put in a transition/ action, or whatever you want to call it saying something like Sean’s jaw drops nearly to the ground, or something like that.

Sean seems too down. It seems like he needs someone around him to function; not really a big fan of that.

Some grammar errors. I suggest less one word sentences.


Ty Burna
- You’re the champ; hands down.

Saboteur:

Positives:

Your RP’s keep on getting consistently better, and this one is the best one yet in my opinion.

Good way to talk about your opponent; I liked that part.

Good humor, but……….. (see below)


Negatives:

Don’t solely rely on humor, which is what I feel that you are doing.

Wasn’t really a big fan of the “timely and unlikely coincidences.”

Could use some more actions in between your dialogues.


Austin Reynolds:

Positives:

Excellent dialogue.

Good mix of having Haley back, talking about your match with Ty, and your upcoming match with Jackson Williams; great job with that; really liked it.

Great description of the setting.


Negatives:

Really wasn’t a reason to put down Williams in my opinion (as in calling him a bottom feeder).

Kind of the same thing as above, but did seem like a heel towards the conclusion.


**Note, Chris K.O and Steamboat Ricky put up my two favorite RP’s in the round; it’s extremely hard to pick a winner between these two.**


Chris K.O:

Positives:

Great use of dialogue, and actions between the dialogue; really got me in to this RP.

Great use of setting.

Great use of WZCW history. I really like that, especially since your fairly new to the company, and you use events that happened before your character started in the fed.

Negatives:

If K.O.’s a heel, than I don’t get why he would have the crowd cheer Leon.

You kind of seem like a tweener here, but it’s really nothing big.


Steamboat Ricky:

One, sorry for your loss man, I can only imagine how your feeling.

Positives:

Good job using your actual life in this RP; it gave a lot more feel to it.

Great dialogue and grammar.

Way to out in a bit about your opponent, even though it obviously wasn’t the main subject of the RP.


Negatives:

It was a bit short (with a completely acceptable reason though.)

Didn’t really see Klamor’s character come in effect (haven’t read many of your previous RP’s though, so I could be missing something between the two.)


This is just the first half, so if your name isn't on here, than don't be worried, you'll get yours.

I know some of my negatives can be a bit confusing. PM me if you really care about them that much, and I'll be happy to explain them.
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  #1347  
Old 09-15-2011, 08:58 PM
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Blade
  • Good shoot promo.
  • I liked how you included the WZCW: Kingdom Come game in your RP.
  • It sounds like what Chris K.O. and Blade are on the same page.
  • Blade looks very much like a face in this one. He is going up against Chuck Myles, who is a prick, and taking stances that are pro faces. He is pretty much calling out all the BS, and taking the face's side. I don't know if you were trying to look like face or not. Then again I honestly haven't read much of your roleplays before this so this may be the norm.
  • Steamboat Ricky got barely a mention in your roleplay. I know your character was built up in your frustration, but Steamboat Ricky is a former WHC. He is an icon and he only got a quick verbal assault. I just don't think Blade should be taking him so lightly.
  • It is a good solid roleplay, but I feel like it's lacking something.
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  #1348  
Old 09-15-2011, 10:23 PM
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I went to bed early, woke up, and now I can't go back to sleep. So, I thought I'd do some feedback.

Chris K.O.
  • I'm sure of told you that I like your character and you as an RPer. You have a very reserved style and it's a joy to read.
  • I like you calling Everest by his real name. It's not really the done thing, and I like that it had a purpose. Instead of just sying his name, you go on to talk about "masks" and "aliases". Good stuff.
  • As I read through, there did feel like there was something missing. Maybe human interaction of some kind? I'm not sure. I know it's not K.O.'s style, but I like my character bouncing off other people. Maybe something to think about in the future.
  • The last couple of sentences are awesome. I see nothing wrong with ending on a soundbite.
  • Overall, a very good little RP where you've hit every major point equally and with style. But I do feel that there is something missing, and that missing something hinders the RP slightly.

Blade
  • I'm a smarky smark, so I'm all about shoots, obviously. This one was great. It didn't feel over the top, you judged the tone very well.
  • Blade makes some interesting points (about the younger guys and such) which I hadn't really thought about. This RP got me thinking, and that's a great thing.
  • I liked the use of the video game in the RP, which is something I've done. It's using your "e-fed surroundings", so to speak.
  • I don't think enough people write about the day-to-day activities of a wreslter, such as photoshoots. I try to do that with Stan Rogers because I think it's a concept that works really well. It feels real and relatable.
  • On the whole, I enjoyed this immensely. From an objective point of view, building up your match with Steamboat Ricky more probably would have helped. Subjectively, that doesn't matter. I found it an absolute treat to read.
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  #1349  
Old 09-19-2011, 06:05 PM
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For Abyss' Two Front Teeth:

-Ok, my first thought is that for a guy who's supposed to be sort of a psycho fighter, he's awfull human in his happiness at defeating Titus. Obviously, I'm not saying I understand your character better than you, I just think that maybe I don't quite understand the character. I think you should work towards clarifying him and his gimmick, that's the only way you can develop him because Scumm seems a little all over the place, a bit unfocused at the moment.

- Decent stuff on Kempa. You're good at picking out (kayfabe) flaws.

- For a second, I thought that said Barbosa. Lolz.

- This is all pretty standard stuff. But that's to be expected from someone who's still new to the fed. Bear in mind, though, we appreciate failed risks in RP's rather than just going for what's safe. Remember that.

- Again, I just have to say that Scumm seems far too human. I looked over your application when you first submitted it, and I was quite excited because we've had no true psychopath, beating people up wrestler. Well, never a good one. I wanted some kind of Abyss/Early Mankind type thing, and that's what I expected. But he just seems like a regular guy who happens to be a good brawler. So I dunno. You need to focus your character more, give him some edge, or else you won't get far. Sorry if it sounds harsh, but I'm not one for sugar coating.

Overall: Somewhat bland and vanilla, but to be expected this early in your fed career. You understand other people's characters well. You need to accentuate your gimmick far more.


FunKay:

- Firstly, your recent win/loss record does not reflect your recent RP's at all. You may be having a bit of a patchy spot right now, but your RP's are always consistently good and I think no one would complain if you won the Elite X title.

- The talk about Smith is pretty standard heel stuff. He's not a worthy champion, downplaying his recent accomplishments and so on. While this part of the RP wasn't bad, it felt like you were just getting the formalities out of the way at that point before getting to the good part of your RP. As you know from my RP's, I don't think that a most of the RP should be about the opponent, but that's just me.

- A lot of people are talking about being the 'saviour' of WZCW and the wrestling industry. But that isn't your fault. Hell, I'd probably choose you if I had to pick a 'saviour'.

- That picture. Awesome.

- While you were perhaps a bit lucky with the questions you received because of how well they seemed to fit with the RP, the order, the answers and Holmes' growing frustration were fantastic. Really entertaining stuff here.

- Little things like telling someone to call you Mr. Holmes even though the questions are by internet post is a good touch, it's what makes Holmes Holmes. And the correcting of the grammar gave some good laughs.

- I enjoy Holmes' ridiculous delusions as I obviously have a lot of that with Blade, but in a different style. Holmes thinking he knows what's best is some great character development. Keep it up.

Overall: Good RP, but the first half dragged it down a bit. Whether or not it's good enough to win the Elite X title is still to be seen, obviously. Not your best work, but Smith will definitely need to put in some real effort to beat you here.
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  #1350  
Old 09-22-2011, 05:19 AM
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Johnny Scumm Johnny Scumm is offline
InZayn In The Membrane
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(I started this, then Safari crashed, so it's not going to be as good this time).

Steven Holmes

- The Q&A is a great idea, love the concept & great thing to include in your RP.
- The way that Holmes answers the questions, his reactions are brilliant. I felt as though maybe a couple of answers were missing "something" and towards where he was getting angry, I think maybe there could've been some added description in it.
- The addressing of Smith & his Championship was very well done as well.

Overall, I think you've got a good chance here in a Title Match, good luck.

Sam Smith

- Empty Arena, good. I hate RP's in front of a crowd, had my experiences with them before, they don't work.
- The pent up anger, about the Mysterious Voice, smashing the chair into the Turnbuckle, all done well. However, is there possibly a bit too much focus on the voice and the future instead of your Title Match? Have you lost what your eyes should be on? You're talking about what happens after your Match, BUT you've not actually retained yet, what happens if you lose?
- Finally, the end part, where you watch that video over & over again, then make your phone call, is that needed? I'm not sure what it adds to it, but let me know the point of it.

To be brutally truthful, I think that you may have a big challenge in Holmes this week. But we shall see, we shall see.

Titus

- It's different. Good, I like different.
- Short & simple, but it works. You address EVERYTHING Titus related in a very short amount, which is great.
- I like Oliver Billy. Who else does he think is "good"?
- The RP is strange, I wasn't sure what to make of it at first, but it's good.

With that being said, you're in a Tag Match & your Opponent didn't RP. Ho-Hum.

Brad Bomb

- Firstly, welcome back. I'm glad you told us all what happened when it came to your injury, because it was a long time ago & well, I wouldn't have checked back that far & I don't think a lot of newbies would know what had happened either. It's nice to go over that.
- Mentioning the WZCW Kingdom Come Game made me laugh, nice to see you've had a good time off.
- You make yourself sound/seem confident for your first Match back, it's good.
- A bit of a weaker RP for your return, but you might be a bit rusty? I'm sure you'll be back into it in no time.

Sean Cruz
- It's colourful.
- Making yourself look as good as you possibly can in a Title Match, good on you, you are up against one heck of an opponent.
- It seems like you have a plan against Bowen, waiting to see what happens.
- It's difficult, because you're up against such a good opponent, but you're looking good. & In a Mayhem Match, you've got to put up a very good fight.

Whether you've put up enough to win is debatable, but good luck nonetheless.

Austin Reynolds

- The interaction between Reynolds & Runn is great. Very well done handling a character who isn't your own.
- The way Reynolds comes across is great, he is really up for this Match & you've done well in picking out the fact that Stantime are individuals, picking on their weaknesses.
- You made it blatantly obvious that you two want the Tag Team Titles and to be honest, you've got a very good chance of getting them.

You & Ricky look good this week, all the best.
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