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  #1731  
Old 01-27-2013, 01:28 AM
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Jacoby Capone

Killjoy hit some good points.

The temper tantrum isn't a bad way to go, but it isn't good. It is similar to having an interview take up your entire RP. It isn't bad, but there isn't really a whole lot you can accomplish with it.

I will disagree with him about Capone feeling superior to others. Personally I think that fits the character well. I wouldn't go overboard with it, but Capone is a hipster, he is supposed to be smug.

You did an okay job touching on your opponent. One thing I would try to do more, it is something I have been trying to work on more myself, is building your opponent up more. If you are able to make your opponent look tough, you look good when you beat him. If you cut him down the entire time and end up losing, you look bad. Knowing Capone is who he is that may be hard, but it is something I would consider.

Having the cabbie talk to Capone the way he did was a nice touch, but it felt to me like it would have been better suited for a face.

You lost this week, so obviously you are still searching for the right style, but given your early work I totally think you can do it. I think the character is something you can work with and develop a solid long running story around and start to pick up some wins.
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  #1732  
Old 01-29-2013, 10:48 AM
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Thriller

As promised, here is your feedback.

The consensus in the back was that New Church underperformed heavily this round. Which is sad, because New Church vs. SaboSax was something that would of been very nice to see a conclusion to at All or Nothing.

Anyways, moving on.

With you it is always guaranteed that you will get something short and sweet. You are an excellent writer, but I am sure by now that you know that your RPs sometime are too short to really reach the level they could of been had they been at least two or three times longer.

I like the concept of redoing a scenario in two separate ways. I had an idea for something like this one time, but I have never attempted it. I love the internal struggle that Westhoff has over the burning of the building in the first part. A pastor, no matter how crazy, is a shepherd, and all shepherds care about their sheep.

I like the story progression going on here, but I felt like more could of been done with it. I guess "flesh it out" would be the proper phrase to use.

Even though both you and Jacobs followed the same plot line I just didn't feel a lot of synchronization. That combined with the fact that The Bearded Gents brought their full game led to your demise. Hit and miss my friend.


Summary:
I love your writing the story, but it was too short and didn't go enough places.
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  #1733  
Old 02-06-2013, 02:55 PM
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For fun, I decided to do the Best of 3 Series guys this week.

Matt Tastic

- I always think of Matt Classic when I say your name in my head. That has nothing to do with the RP, just thought I'd throw that out there.
- This RP works really well for the same reason the feud between you and Rush works so well. Rush is a big and mean old school heel, whereas you are the exciting, underdog face. You play that up very well here.
- The wrap up at the end is very nice. I know you reference anime a lot with Matt, and it reminds me of what a lot of those shows do at the end of episodes. It's a great way to summarize what you talked about in the RP.
- I know I didn't say a lot here, but this was a perfect example of an RP. You had character development, you talked about last week and your opponent and set the stage for your match this week. Great stuff.


Rush

- Like your opponent, I actually don't have too much to say here. I love basing your RP all around the differences between Rush and Tastic, similar to what he did. The parallel structures are awesome; I actually used them last week and they are so much fun to write. You did a great job with them.
- My only issue is the timing of this. It feels like an RP you'd use before the first match of a series, summarizing the differences between the two of you and the culture clash that makes up your feud. You nearly killed the guy last week to win, I would've liked to see you build off of that. This was a really good RP, but I don't know if it was right for this match.


Sam Smith

- The description at the start of this is great.
- I think you've used a house show as a setting before, and I don't think I'm a fan. I just find it unrealistic that he would go on this rant against Stormrage there, and not in a place where more people will hear/see it. Something simple you could do would be have Sam and Rush hire a camera guy, similar to what Brad Maddox had been doing on Raw. Say WZCW was trying to silence you, and this was your way to get what you have to say out there. It fills the potential plot gap and adds another layer to the anti-WZCW gimmick. Just an idea.
- The biggest concern I have for you and Sam right now is that even though Sam is an asshole and a good heel, the demons in his life are making him into a tragic character. Even though all of it makes him even more of a dick in WZCW, only so much can happen to him before people will start to feel sympathy toward him. This is a good RP, just make sure you keep this last part in mind.


Thrash

- The backstory to explain why he's becoming a wrestler is a nice route to go with a first RP. The way you presented it, with repo men coming for his stuff was a nice touch as well.
- It's weird that Becky didn't know why he was there one minute, but then knew all about his match the next.
- The part where you talk about your opponents came off forced, but it's tough to do that seamlessly in a four man match so I wouldn't be too concerned about that.
- This wasn't a bad debut. I just have two concerns. First, if he's from a fairly famous band and people will recognize him, why doesn't he either use his real name or wear a mask? It seems a bit weird to me. The other concern, as others have noted, is that he comes off like face Johnny Scumm. You can easily change that by giving Thrash his own niche, but be careful because you can easily fall back into writing Johnny Scumm.
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  #1734  
Old 02-06-2013, 07:09 PM
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Sam Smith: (The Crock)

I promised to getting around giving you feedback so here it is.

First off, the first segment was alright, granted getting a read on Scott, Sam's brother was a bit difficult. He just seemed a little all over the place with loving his brother, taking care of his dad, but when it came to Sam's past, Scott might as well have just dropped trout on Sam. Which he pretty much did by trying to beat the piss out of Sam. It wasn't bad, but it just seemed a little tough to understand what provoked Scott to attack his brother (one he says later he loves) to attack him like that.

The second segment was much better than the first, it was simple, it pulled out the past, and you really stretched to get the connections between Sam and Mikey. You get bonus points for using the fact you're a heel to your advantage by berating him, and holding Mikey accountable for what happened to James. Good psychological work to get into his head, it was simple, and very effective.

The third segment I guess you were working for was closing off Sam's ties with Chelsea, but it ended a bit abruptly for me to really sink my teeth in with the two characters. Unless of course next week you have something planned between the two of them.

Overall, it was good, but it could have been a lot better. Then again with Sam and Mikey working in two completely different directions there really wasn't much need to pull out all the stops for a win when you can throw up a softball for your PPV RP.
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  #1735  
Old 02-06-2013, 07:40 PM
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Dustin Hunter: (Hollywood Nightmare)

Welcome to WZCW bud, hope you enjoy your stay. With that being said, I wanted to be one of the first people to give you some two cents on your RP this week.

Descriptions are your friend, you want to create the world around your RP, especially if the setting is pretty freaking critical to the story at hand, which in your RP is pretty important. Where was Dustin's mother buried? A graveyard? The family backyard, behind a grocery store? Inside a Laundromat next to the detergent? When you want to create a scene for an RP, you don't want someone to second guess exactly where it is taking place, because then it takes away from the RP itself.

As someone who has used dead characters to drive character development in their RP's, I think just going outright and saying Dustin's brother was a ghost was perhaps the wrong way to go. It took away any shock value you could have gotten from it, and it seemed kind of odd that it wasn't Dustin's mother showing up at her own grave but her son. When I used the dead characters, I blurred the lines between if they were actual spirits, or they were just part of Ricky's imagination to cope with the loss. They still served the same purpose, and with it I had some success with it.

Bringing in extra characters are tricky, you want them to play off well with your own character and highlight the certain traits your character has that makes them unique. You don't want to have one of your most vital NPC's being a simple yes man/woman who backs your character no matter what without any reason. Give them traits that foil Dustin's and it not only allows you to play up Dustin's positive attributes, but it makes for a more enjoyable read.

Needless to say, so far what I saw from Katie being a hugger who drives Dustin around doesn't really give her that much of a personalty, or one you can use to make Dustin look better.

Now the promo itself was the shortest bit, and unfortunately the part of an RP that really defines if you win or lose your match. You want to convince the reader that Dustin will win, not because he is demented and likes to fuck up trees, but because he is better than ___ because of ____ and how he ___ the ____ out of ___. You want to take a natural approach to this, and with a heel character, you have so much potential to really dig into a character than you would as a face. Don't squander it.

Without the two other RP's I would have to think you are not going to win this round, but there have been plenty of guys who didn't win their debut go on to do fantastic things in the Fed. Just keep your head up and improve.
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  #1736  
Old 02-07-2013, 05:25 PM
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Celeste Crimson

- I couldn't tell you the last time I read one of your RPs, to be honest. Let's see what we've got here.
- Your prose is really good. A nice mix of setting descriptions and thoughts.
- I always appreciate when a writer embraces a losing streak in RPs. Ignoring it isn't going to help, so use it to your advantage.
- I think I would've liked to see you focus more on your relationship with Sandy instead of the long and forced references to the other two. You can usually get away with that in multi-person matches like this because, similar to what I said for Thrash, it never comes out well.
- The mountain climbing setting makes sense and you wrote it well, but it's so cliche that I found myself predicting the RP as I read it. Your writing ability makes it better than it should be, but I was hoping for something more... unique, I guess would be the best word.
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  #1737  
Old 02-09-2013, 03:01 PM
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Mason Westhoff (Thriller):

- The RP was great. The descriptions were awesome, and it helped convey the disappointment Westhoff was feeling very, very well.
- I loved how you set the whole thing up as Westhoff going through all his stages of grief -- namely denial -- and used that as a tool to compare Westhoff to KO. Well done.
- The ending was also a very interesting way of working around Meeks' departure, talking about a new force coming from the ashes of the New Church. It set a sort of foreboding and eerie tone to the end of the RP, and left me wanting to see exactly what you meant by that -- you left me wanting more, which is never a bad thing.
- There's not much bad here, but it was a little too short. I know you're not one for long RPs, but it all developed rather abruptly. We could have seen Westhoff coming to terms with his loss and cleaning himself up, rather than just being told, "oh, it took him a while, but he finally shaved and put on a clean suit." It's nothing major, but it's just a small point I would have emphasized more.
- Overall, I really enjoyed this. It was great. You took an interesting direction with it and ran with it.

Ricky Runn (Pancake):

- I'm not sure what to think of this RP. The idea behind it was good -- Ricky needed to tap into the emotion that came from what happened to Izzy -- but I just didn't think it was executed as well as possible.
- I didn't like the first half of the RP as much as the second half, to be honest. The first half left a lot to be desired. You tried to convey the emotion of the situation, but it just fell flat, at times. Ricky went from sulking, to "oh, what the hell, what do I have to lose, I'm gonna win!" in a few lines.
- You jump between tenses a lot, you might wanna keep an eye out for that in the future. Try not to reuse words like "croak" in such close proximity either, unless absolutely necessary. You repeated that word twice within a few lines, made it seem forced.
- Now, onto the promo part of the RP: I feel like this is where you shined. You turned what happened to Izzy as a catalyst for Ricky trying to carve out his own niche in WZCW, smart move.
- You cut a good promo on your opponents here, and you tried to transition Ricky into being a serios contender -- there's not much more I could have asked for from this promo.
- Overall, while hit-and-miss as a collective, you had some really bright moments in this RP. There's a lot to work with here.
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  #1738  
Old 02-10-2013, 03:20 AM
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Califa/Ty

* I can't help but read your lines with a Jose Jimenez accent. Is that too obscure a reference?

* As usual with you, there's a lot of detail with the narration. Can't help but wonder what Becky was thinking about though when she was biting her lip.

* I really dig how Califa boast's the success of others. It's one big face trait that isn't really used much.

* Dig the peppered spanish.

* I'm just gonna stop. I mark out too much for Califa. But the end. Don't tell me.....

Sam/Crock

It's pretty much like I said in the PM's. It's a great piece in the middle. The start and end are also very intriguing bits, but it makes this particular RP seem as though it's 2 (3 technically) separate works. They clearly are meant for next RP's but really mesh here.

Mikey/Yazzy

* You know, I always wanted to try to sync a song to an RP. Dammit, too late.

* If this revenge story leads to a heel turn, you may want to consider renaming moves after the Sharingan. Or Chidori. Regardless, it has made for an interesting story as Mikey tries to stay clean while also trying to assert justice. He's almost like The Punisher!

* One thing is the formatting. The color you picked for your text is green, duh. But it blends too much with the black. And it kinda bugged me a bit that the answering machine bits were black too. It's still a voice. It's not written or narrated.

Scummy J/TrashImeanThrash

* Your formatting is actually quite nice. Colorful, well organized....um... Colorful.

* You're making a storyline of this guy actually being Scumm, aren't you? I can see the groundwork for it.

* Pretty short and not much on your opponents. Granted it's 3 of them but when you talk about them all in just 2 sentences, that's not gonna get you far.

Dusty H/Nightmare

* Damn, I would really dig a wrestler who talks to ghosts. Now there's a new one.

* It has nice formatting. Typical look though.

* You talked a little bit more than Scummash did. Given that the other guys didn't RP, I expect you to win this one.

===========

I have other people I want to feedback on. Hopefully I find the time.
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  #1739  
Old 02-10-2013, 07:12 AM
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Grand Mystique (Numbers)

- First thing that occurs to me is that I'd have preferred your RP to be up after Thrillers, with how his ends and yours starts. That said, with timezone differences and personal lives and stuff like that, that can be hard.

- One thing I love about your writing is how you monologue. There's only a little bit of it here at the beginning, but it sets the RP up and gives us an immediate look into what is going on with GM's mind.

- Following the last point actually, this RP is a great example on how to develop a character and story whilst not going too advanced so newbies haven't got a clue what's going on. If I were reading this and it was the first GM RP I'd ever read, I'd immediately know what he was about.

- One thing that's always intrigued me about GM is that, for a mysterious character, he talks a lot. I dunno, when you brought him back my assumption was that he was going to be very quiet. Not silent, but not as much of a talker as he has been. Not really a criticism, just a personal observation.

- The conversation with 'Chris K.O.' is something I am in two minds over. On one hand, it seems like it could be a bit of a cop-out, but at the same time, it's a cool idea to get GM saying what he wants to say. At the same time, the fake K.O. would try to respond, but as he isn't actually him he'd be a bit clueless and would be outfoxed easily by GM. Actually, the more I think about it the more I like it; it's a great evil bad-guy thing to do to make him look strong.

- The ending was slightly cliché-villain, but it was still cool imagery. I wasn't too sure on these sentences:

'The Grand Mystique lifts up the cane and smashes the orb against the table. The table is immediately set on fire! '

For me, the exclamation mark really isn't needed, and these sentences could be merged:

'The Grand Mystique lifts up the cane and smashes the orb against the table, instantly engulfing it in flames.'

(I feel really bizarre about suggesting a different sentence to the head of creative)

That's how I would have written it, but other than that, the imagery of the flames is nice, especially with Westhoff talking about what will rise from the ashes of the New Church at the beginning.

- My biggest gripe here is that maybe there could have been a bit more focus on the departure of Derek Jacobs. Obviously it wouldn't be a focus, as I'm sure GM wouldn't let such things bother him too much, but surely Jacobs leaving is something that would be a wrench in the works for GM's plans, even just a small one. Not much, but just a little more mention of it would work better for me.

Overall, this is a really good RP. Some of your RP's I've read tend to just have GM talking to the reader, which is great, but at the same time I feel characters are infinitely more interesting when they are interacting with others. Here we have that, and GM's disdain for Chris K.O. is evident in his interaction with the lookalike. As I've said, some focus on Jacobs and how that alters GM's plans (if at all) would have made this better for me, but this is a solid effort, man. Nice job.
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  #1740  
Old 02-10-2013, 08:12 AM
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Action Saxton

I must admit, this is only the second RP of yours that I have read since I left Creative. But still, I didn't have to find my feet in your writing style. Normally, it would take me a minute to work out what;'s happening and who is who. But you do such a good job of setting a scene and making it work for you. Your use of characters and setting really should be an example to everyone who is reading. Starting with McRonald's, you do an excellent job of setting the scene and using the colourful characters to your advantage. I really liked the references to different things mixed in there.

The argument with Saboteur seemed insane but given that you two guys are practically insane, it makes sense. And, I guess, it works well that you guys are seemingly being torn apart at the seams. You've lost your titles in strange circumstances and I'm glad that you are not pretending that the tag team is infallible. You guys are going to have problems and I'm even more glad that you're exploring them. As you go on to mention, this is about more than sauce,it is about more worrying differences in your team. I really appreciated that. Good work.

Also, I really liked the second part of your RP. Again, the characterisation is perfect and everyone plays the part that they need to. Your work against Beard is really well worked into the RP and leads to a well-balanced RP. Obviously, this piece of work is building towards the PPV and I am really excited to read that.

Good stuff.

SHIT

This is a really good piece of work. Just like Saxton, it is sort of “out-there” but just works so well in the context of the match. The interactions between SHIT and the scientist are hilarious and informative too. I especially liked the part where the scientist was questioning SHIT on which was stronger, 3 or 1. When I read that, I just imagined it being said. It was a little gem in there.

I think, like most of the people in the match, you noticed how some of the booking decisions to make the match really didn't sit right in the grand scheme of things. Having SHIT team with Barbosa is a strange decision, given the history between the two. Having them team with Showtime seems even more strange given that Showtime has been in top of the mountain for so long. I really liked how you picked up on the psychology of the match. You simply have to trust Barbosa and Showtime or you'll be beaten. If I were WWE, I would be looking at this RP on how to build the psychology of a match, it really is a lesson.

Short and sweet, I love it.

Mason Westhoff

Awesome! Really fucking awesome!

This RP should also be a lesson to people. That lesson is how to do more with less. Truth be told, I scanned over the RP and thought yo myself “Uh-Oh”. This thought was mainly due to there not being a great deal of speech in it. And sometimes, if you are relying solely on description to get you over the finish line, you can struggle. But, like I said, this RP was awesome.

The first part of your RP about denial seemed awfully out of place but looking back on it now, it worked. It set the scene and tone for the upcoming RP and that is what it is all about really. The second part of your RP, whilst being mostly detail, really told an intriguing story about Westhoff and the future of The New Church. Obviously, with Brother Jacobs about to tumble out of the stable, it falls to you and Numbers to carry the torch for that ideology. And given what you both can do, I think you're going to be better off for it. You and Numbers are both great tag team RP'ers and I would imagine, if you could keep up this level of work, you'll be Champions again in no time at all.

I especially liked the end of the RP when you were on the phone. I actually thought you were talking to Brother Jacobs only for the wool to be pulled over my eyes. I finished reading it and a smile found it's way onto my face. Just some magical work, man. Honest.
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