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  #1691  
Old 10-26-2012, 04:01 PM
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Celeste Crimson (Echelon):

This is probably one of the better RPs I've read this round. You covered all your bases -- we learned more about Celeste's condition and her past, we saw some of the relationships in her life, and you even managed to show Celeste's disdain for Holmes (and weaved her goals for the future into that, as well) -- and this whole RP came together very well. Above all else, you told a good story and kept me entertained (for the most part), and that's really the all I could have asked for as a reader.

I have a few minor complaints, but none of them really took all that much away from the RP. There were a few cheesy moments (Celeste punching the mirror was the biggest culprit), but it fit in with what you were trying to accomplish with your RP, so I can't complain. You also have a tendency to add in some unneeded details. Detail is good, but did we really have to know that Celeste's cleavage was directly in front of Dave's face? Was it necessary to point out that her eyes are heterochromic, when she was having a discussion with Big Dave (I know you were saying that her gaze had narrowed, but still)? Adding random little details can make an RP that much better, but if you add too many random details, it can come off as a little forced. My biggest complaint is the length of the RP, though. It's so heavy on content that it could be a little shorter and nobody would really notice. I got a little bored near the end, just because it felt like I'd already taken so much in.

Overall, this was a really good RP. I had a few complaints, but they were really minor (and probably had a lot to do with my personal preferences). Well done.

Derek Jacobs (Meeks):

You PM'ed this to me before you posted it and I gave you most of your feedback there, so this will be short. Like I said to Thriller, I really liked the formatting of the RPs from you guys this round. It may seem a little disjointed at first, but it's not something we usually see and it breaks up the monotony of reading the same type of RP every week. Content-wise, your RP was solid. You've been improving lots working with Thriller, and while you're still not perfect, it was an enjoyable read. My only qualm with your RP (unlike what I said to Echelon) was the lack of detail. Give a bit more description here or there, set the scene for the reader. If you do that, it'll make your RP a much better read.

Action Saxton (Doc):

This is going to be the worst feedback ever. Your RP is, by far, my favorite RP of the round. I giggled throughout -- it was fucking hilarious. Your RPs are always fun and never fail to entertain, but this one is probably my favorite of yours. You did an awesome job with Stan Rogers and, to be honest, the idea of having Sab, Sax, and Krypto transported to the past to battle an evil church trying to kill wrestling was brilliant. I guess some might take issue to the fact that you only directly referenced your opponents at the end of your RP, but you really didn't need to. Oh, I suppose you should watch out so you don't use a word like "unglued" too many times in quick succession while describing the crowd (you used it twice within a few paragraphs), but I'm just nitpicking and trying to find something wrong with the RP. Seriously good stuff here, Doc. I'll give you some feedback next round, since this did nothing but praise your RP the whole time.

Isabel Stone (Jessie Lynn DivaGirl):

This wasn't a bad RP, but it was pretty average. Most of the RP centered on trying to portray Izzy as some badass, while only focusing on your past. I would have liked to see Izzy cut a promo on Kurtesy, or something. You didn't completely neglect Kurtesy, but he was only there to play mom. You can get away with not talking about your match if you write a really engaging narrative, but I don't think you really pulled it off. It was decent, but it just seemed like you were really focused on character development this round and neglected your match (even if your opponent was prominent in the beginning of the RP). Also, the light blue color you used for Justin was an eyesore. Try to use something that's not so bright and is easy to read. There were a few small typos too, but that's not a big deal. So, pretty good job this week, but you've still got a lot of room to improve.

Connor Reese (Remix):

I haven't read much of your stuff as Reese, but I'm a fan so far. This RP,was interesting and basic, but it got the job done. Reese reminds me of Tommaso Ciampa, especially in this RP. He's the "perfect wrestler," but he has a bunch of handlers and whatnot -- it's interesting to see Connor's contrasting personalities, as a result. He's withdrawn and mostly listens in the meeting, but he plays himself up as a star in front of the camera. I like it, it gives the reader a different view of the character. My only complaint is that this got a little boring as it went on. This is basically what Thriller said to me about my RP this round, but you had two separate RP ideas and you kind of cut them both short and made one out of it -- and it suffered a little, as a result. It seemed like both parts of the RP were cut off before their climax and it just wasn't as engaging as it could have been. All in all, this was good, but it was a little boring and that held the RP back from being great.
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  #1692  
Old 11-13-2012, 01:01 PM
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Sam Smith

- I wish I had a professor say something motivational to me at some point. The opening is too short to offend anyone, and does a nice job setting the scene.

- For this RP it makes sense, but I'm not a fan of anything that can be perceived as devaluing a belt. I get why you did it, but I feel uncomfortable about it.

- You did a nice job of coming off face-ish before coming with the sucker punch of insulting the fans. I've always had a soft spot for that and you executed it nicely.

- This is probably the best overall RP of yours I've read since we started trading feedback. I haven't read Showtime's, but I'm confident that you have earned yourself at least a very strong showing against the champ.

Isabel Stone

(I figured I've given the other two in the mentor program feedback at different points, so here you go. I'm going to make more general points, because I think it'll be easier to get my points across that way.)

- You've done a good job of establishing Isabel's character, but, unless I missed it, I don't think you've really explored why she has so much anger. We get that she's kind of a bitch, but there is plenty more for you to show us about her.

- The part with the fans is a perfect example. She doesn't really have any reason to be a bitch to them, other than to be a bitch to them. If you build up a backstory, encounters like that will be much more effective.

- You also seem to have issues fitting in talking about your match. Your typical RP is 90% "Izzy is a bitch slash character development" and 10% "Oh shit, I still have to talk about my match." You've done okay with it so far because you are/were a better writer than most of the other mentees, but it won't get you far outside of that competition.

For example, you are in a triple threat this week, so you could have had her talking shit to two people in the bar and she ends up fighting them as practice. Or she meets with people that believe in aliens for tips on how to fight Krypto but ends up mocking them the whole time. You have a strong character and you are a good writer; don't let yourself fall into the habit of writing the same RP every week.
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  #1693  
Old 11-18-2012, 04:56 PM
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Titus(Lee)- First off, that yellow type of coloring hurt my eyes. Try to bold it or use a different color. I have always like your style of RP, so keep it up. I see you used green twice maybe it was a mistake or something. It could throw off a reader. I liked the theme of this RP a lot. Which was being a hero. Also this part:

Quote:
Titus: But Titus, I hear you say. How can you dislike Chris K.O. He's a hero, he saved WZCW, we love him! What did he save WZCW from? The mess that he brought? The chaos and darkness that he and his cronies ran rampant with? He brought us into that mess and I was one of the people who tried to put a stop to it. Hey no one remembers that though do they? He stopped the great Ty Burna something I couldn't do but it doesn't matter that Chris brought us into this mess.
That sounded more like Stacy than Titus for some reason.

Overall, very nice RP. Just those couple of things stood out the most out to me.
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  #1694  
Old 11-19-2012, 02:55 AM
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Awesome_Miz/Darren Bull

I'm torn on your opening. On one hand, I like the condition of Bull after he suffered a beat down in his last match. On the other hand the line "During, all of that dramatic stuff there wasn't anyone else giving a shit" was just a terrible line. Like it took away from the positive big time.

The dialogue is just...it isn't good. Like no doctor on Earth would ever tell a patient that his nurse was a "hot piece of ass"

Also why is Bull reading a comic called "The Alien and High School Queen Girl Are Finished"? It is one thing to have a character who reads comics. Bull is supposed to be a party guy, and typically those types of guys aren't big on comics, but I'm not going to hold that against you. I am going to hold the awful and overly convenient title against you though. It is one thing for a guy to be watching a blaxploitation film like "Shaft" or "Black Dynamite" or reading a Deadpool or Ronin comic before facing Saxoteur, but to make up a comic with a title like that isn't going to win any favors.

Also, why mention Joe Mason? Like, it was pretty out of left field. The same with your Kings of Hate days. Why bring it up? You guys had two matches, got gifted a title shot, and you no showed it. I'd bury that if I were you.

Your grammar and spelling mistakes weren't as bad as they have been in the past, but they still pop up more than they should.

There is one last thing I want to bring up, and I don't say this to be an asshole, I say this because it has to be said. You seem to post up your RPs at the last minute a lot, and almost every round you seem to be copying someone elses style. It almost looks like you wait until a good chunk of the RPs come in, your glance over them, and then write something up based on the style of someone who has a good RP. It isn't bad to read other RPs and then try to adopt the style of a guy who has been around a while and has had success, but you need to find your own style. Yeah you can pull things from here and there, but until you find what works for you personally and stick to it, you won't have much success.

MMSoldier/Jimmy Flynn

First off, I'm gonna say I'm not overly familiar with your new character yet.

I like the interview for the RP. One thing I have grown to dislike in my time in the fed is new characters who don't spend a lot of time allowing the reader to get to know their character. The interview approach is basic and isn't going to wow anyone, but with a newer character it is an approach I think works.

This isn't really about the RP, more about the character, but you seem to have a pretty straight laced face, he isn't a total white meat babyface, but respects rules and he is a good guy. I worry that may lead to a lack of long term options, but its early so I wouldn't make any drastic changes. Plus you have been here longer than I have, so you may know something I don't.

I think you had a pretty solid grasp on Leon. He is far and away the most commonly used interviewer, but not everyone can write him well. I think you did a solid job of capturing his personality.

You mentioned your previous win. I'm a fan of guys who pay attention to not only their own history, but recent fed happenings as well. Then you took it a step further and made mention of Sandy. A lot of people treat the fed like it is this tiny self contained universe. I'm not sure if you were impacted by the hurricane or not(hope not), but the mention was topical and relevant, and I like that.

Overall there isn't anything wrong with this RP, but I'm positive it isn't a winner. I think a normal 1v1 match, this could get you a W, but this was a tough match, especially for a new character. You made the most of it, you wrote a passable RP, advanced your character a little, you did nothing wrong in my eyes, you just didn't blow anyone away. I think a few predictions had you as the first going out, I don't think that will be the case, but regardless, like I said there is nothing wrong with this, it just wasn't going to blow anyone away.

Remix/Connor Reese

First off, congratulations on "winning" the Mayhem title. I'm not 100% sure where you plan to go with things, but despite our differences in the past one thing I can always say about you is you are a good writer and you usually have a plan. I eagerly await the results.

One thing, I never have trouble figuring out who is speaking in your RPs. You make sure your dialogue is tagged well. I can't believe how often that gets overlooked.

Your transition from face to heel has been good. Connor's lines at the show were well written. It felt like something a guy playing a heel at a small show would say.

Just something I am curious about. Does anyone every accuse you of spelling things wrong? Like in States we spell paycheck as paycheck, but I know in England you guys spell it paycheque. Like humor and humour, color and colour. Just something I wonder when reading some RPs from the UK guys.

My biggest gripe when Connor gave his speech towards Pete. It was good, but I can't help but feel like Pete should have had some lines.

Connor is interesting. The way you approach everything about him is interesting and makes me want more. I worry that you could flame out quickly, because it doesn't seem easy to write with all the characters around Connor, but right now you are on a pretty good roll.

Dynamite/Krypto


Your progression is evident. I'm not going to be as personal as when we PM back and forth, and I apologize for not getting back to you on your last one, but you are showing more growth.

I mentioned last time we were talking that it felt like you tried to do too much in your RP. This one isn't as bad, but you didn't totally cure the problem. This one isn't as jumbled, but it got crowded at times. I was able to read it all in one setting without starting over to make sure I didn't miss anything though.

I still giggle a little every time I read GARBAGE.

You did the "Feed Me More" thing. I get it given what Krypto has been going through, but taking from real life wrestlers seems to be frowned upon.

The mention of past fed characters was funny. I'd be careful when doing stuff like that, you don't to get in trouble or piss someone off, but it was funny.

You pushed some limits, they were funny, but you don't wanna DQ yourself over it. I'm not sure if you asked creative or if you asked the handler of the character, but I would rather be safe than sorry.

Overall you did take more positive steps. Some of your recent problems still exist, but they aren't as bad. Just make sure you stay the course and I think you will be fine.

Thriller/Mason Westhoff

I wanna say first off, you have a terrific voice for your character. It seems so natural. When I read it I don't have trouble picturing it coming from the mouth of a preacher.

I like how you tied your loss last round to the match this week. Too often people simply say "I lost last week, I have to win this week." You tied it together well.

One thing I like a lot, is that you don't ignore The New Church. I think when tag teams are put into non tag matches they forget their partner. With Saxoteur, those guys are attached at the hip. Strikeforce, two really good friends who share a house. TNC hasn't developed their dynamic completely, but you still made mention of Jacobs and put some building blocks in place for the future.

My biggest gripe, why so short? You are a pretty good writer, but you write so little in your RPs. I want more damn it.
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  #1695  
Old 11-28-2012, 01:29 PM
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Jimmy Flynn (MMSoldier)

You're my boy so you know there's nothing malicious about what I'm saying. You've done pretty well with this character so far, you won your first match, did well in the Battle Royal and this RP was good. But you're getting generic. Three straight interview RPs? You're better than that. The RP's aren't bad but they're boring, I appreciate the simplicity factor with how crazy the RPs around here can get some days but it's becoming dull. The questions are generic and the answers are expected. Nothing has happened in any of your RPs. A good interview RP is fine every couple of RPs to break the mold and get some outside insight story wise but usually something happens before or after the interview. You've had 3 RPs so far and all we know about Flynn is he's an average dude from Maine who loves to wrestle. You told us that in the first RP. If you were another poster I probably would stop reading your RPs because you've given me no reason to keep reading but I know you can do better. One of the fears I had for your character was that it was going to get old fast because hometown boy baby faces tend to do that. I don't know if anyone else takes the same stance as me, maybe creative doesn't since you've been doing well, but coming from me this shit's getting boring.
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  #1696  
Old 11-29-2012, 12:49 PM
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Sam Smith

- One of the fun things about trading feedback with someone everyone is finding stuff like formatting changes. There's nothing bad about it, however, I do wish you had separated the opening thoughts somehow. Italics or something to mark a break would've helped there.

- You did an excellent job of writing Rush and using him to show just how impacted Sam was by Showtime's words. It's difficult to use the interviews in that way, so this was an excellent choice.

- There was some good tension between the two of them. I doubt it is coming any time soon, but it was enough to make me want to see what'll happen when one finally turns on the other.

- The ending was an issue, but I think it was more a result of how nicely you worded it than any sort of necessity. The part where Sam is thinking about how he and Celeste might not be that different really made me want to see/hear Sam spiraling through his depression as he realizes he might be the perennial upper midcarder. I don't think the RP necessarily suffers from that not being in there, but there is some very intriguing potential there.
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  #1697  
Old 11-29-2012, 02:13 PM
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Mason Westhoff (Thriller):
  • I'm a big fan of the little opening in this RP. It sets the tone for the entire RP and ties into something you'll talk about later in the RP.
  • This RP is really different and I really like it. The lack of dialogue (save for the bit at the end) is refreshing, truth be told.
  • This RP pinpoints a solid character attribute of Westhoff's: his need for control. You can't go wrong with character development.
  • The only flaw was how you didn't really talk about your opponents much. You tie this match back in with your debut, but it felt like you could have expanded on that. Then again, your vision for the RP is more important than most anything -- so, maybe it would have seemed forced had you added onto it.

Action Saxton (Doc):
  • The set-up to your RP immediately drew me in. The description was short, but just enough to create an image of the setting in my head.
  • The little things in your RP are what make me laugh the most -- the guy tying his motorcycle to a camel had me giggling. It's hilarious and over-the-top when you think about it, but you're not forcing it down the reader's throat. This applies to all the jokes in your RPs; they're funny because you don't try too hard.
  • The exchange about why they're in Timbuktu is the highlight of the RP for me. It's a really fun read.
  • Marked like hell for Hunter Kravinoff. Seriously. Awesome.
  • I love all the outlandish and hilarious characters you bring into your RPs for just one role. The courier was golden. Well done.
  • My only complaint would be the lack of real focus on your match, but the whole RP was about clearing your name after what the New Church pulled, so you didn't really have to talk about the match. A mention or two about Holmes, Callahan, Titus, and Showtime would have been nice, but I can't hold that against you.

Jacoby Capone (Smizzyy):
  • Great description to open the RP.
  • The premise of the RP is fairly interesting. You tied it in nicely with what you were trying to say (no more being a spectator, etc.).
  • I liked the overall piece, but it seems like you made Runn an afterthought. Your RP made it seem like you were looking past him (to me), which I can't say I'm a fan of.
  • The RP ended a little too hastily, for my liking. It seemed like you rushed everything Capone was going to say out and then just wrapped it up.
  • Overall, I enjoyed the RP, but there were a couple of flaws that stood out to me. I did like the fact that you tried to establish yourself as a threat, though. It'll be close between you and Runn, though.
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Old 11-29-2012, 10:33 PM
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Sam Smith (Crock)

- Right off the bat, I know how Sam feels and what emotions he is going through. This sets the tone for the RP because I know what is behind Smith's remarks and actions.

- Liking the scene you described. The slum enviroment adds to the uncomfortable atmosphere between Smith and Rush as their encounter intensifies.

- The dialogue was strong; it flowed, felt natural and what you were trying to say came across easily. I could tell Sam was stressed and could feel the mood change as Rush's empathy turned to anger. One line that really supported that with a strong visual was: "Every word seemed to scowl on Rush's face more pronounced as he got angrier and angrier."

- You talk about how both you and Crimson have aspirations of winning the gold and then mention that a win over her would

-
- Another thing came off as strong for Sam was that this RP convinced me that Sam has reason to win, he has to win. Who knows what will happen he doesn't.

- As you know, there were a few minor errors; some left out words here and there but nothing that distracted me from the overall message of the RP.

- You mention that both you Crimson have aspirations of winning the gold and then follow with this sentence: "Regardless, Celeste was a respected competitor by management and the rest of the locker room, a win over her would do quite a bit to put Smith back on track toward his plans." This starts out to be a strong statement but it didnt' turn out to be as powerful as it could have. I think you could have went more into detail than just vaguely suggesting that it would be a good thing for you aspirations if you pick up this win. That's obvious. It would be good for Celeste to be you as well. Get into that about why you need it more than her. If you see what I'm getting at. You could have got more bang for you buck with that particular statement.

Well, I attempted to be critical, but you made it a difficult task. Solid roleplay throughout and an easy read, which is something in itself.
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Old 12-01-2012, 02:35 PM
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Grand Mystique (Numbers):
  • Right as I started reading your RP, the mood just set in. The way you write fits the image I have of your character.
  • I liked the point of attack against Constantine in your RP. It was about his ego and about destroying him and what he represents. I like that more than your standard, "I deserve to win, because..." RP.
  • The reference to Bowen was a nice touch, too. Keeps your feud/issue with him in the back of the reader's mind.
  • I'm not a fan of the lack of description. Straight dialogue can be a little tedious -- though, your RP was on the short side, so it managed to be fairly interesting throughout. Still, I would have liked to have an image of Grand Mystique saying all of this.

John Constantine (Dave):
  • Pretty straightforward concept here. I like it.
  • The whole "King" thing is a little played out. I get that you're the King for a Day and want to play off of that, but it's just so obvious -- half the people in the KFAD match at KC started teasing the whole "King" thing.
  • I like the idea of Constantine re-emerging after last week, taking what he thinks is his, etc.
  • Even though I think the "King" idea is a little weak, your execution in this RP was stellar. The way Constantine spoke down to the crowd, his mannerisms, his dialouge -- everything was very articulate and well-done.

Steven Holmes (FunKay):
  • I REALLY liked this RP. The music was a nice way to start things off, helps get the reader in the right mindset to fully enjoy your RP.
  • The dream sequence was really interesting -- it's not something you usually see around here. Keeps things fresh.
  • Holmes continues to grow better and better as a heel. The way you talk about your adversaries in your RPs is really excellent. The words aren't just empty, they're believable; I honestly believe that Holmes hates Big Dave, Titus, etc.
  • I suppose my only complaint about this RP is the fact that you seem to be a victim of your own verbosity, at times. I understand that the Holmes character has a unique way of speaking, but you can still say things in a much more concise manner, you know? It seems like you drag things on just a bit. Still, it didn't hurt my enjoyment of this RP all that much.
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Old 12-01-2012, 08:17 PM
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Lee Lee is offline
I know I can be cool if I try
TNA Champion
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: British by birth, Geordie by the grace of God.
Age: 28
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Lord Sidious

I loved the fact that this RP was so good my eyes refused to acknowledge its greatness and I just saw a blank screen.

You're definitely winning this match.
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Originally Posted by Dave View Post
For the record, Lee is a diabolical genius.
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