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  #1541  
Old 04-09-2012, 02:44 AM
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Echelon:

I think I've made enough love to your writing in a previous PM, so I'll hold back here. I'm not a machine!

This was the first time I've seen how Ty Burna's control has been affecting everyone within WZCW, such as Becky Serra & Stacy Madison, which was a nice touch. It was also nice to see them act differently when confiding to another woman.

This RP managed to literally cover everything. You discussed your previous history in WZCW, as well as outside the ring (which is so beneficial to newer readers who are unfamiliar with Celeste.) you touched on the match at KC and what it means for the company, and you covered everything without neglecting your match against Baller. Sometimes I find it difficult to cover so much without making it drag, but you certainly do not have that issue.

I found the orange text to be difficult to read, but that may just be due to my current tired condition.

I didn't find the final scene with Steven Kurtesy to be needed, and would have liked to see the RP end shortly after the interview with Klamor.


Baller:

There were a few grammatical errors that I picked up on, but not enough to fully remove me from the RP. I enjoy reading Baller embrace the "your highness" gimmick and I hope this continues after KC, win or loss. I feel like it can add another level to your character and it creates a sense of delusion for him.

The flea market setting didn't really fit, your dialog seemed all over the place and your descriptions didn't always fit the story you were trying to tell. For example, the phrase "put the pedal to the metal" really took me away from what I was reading. You didn't allow the reader to use much imagination in picturing what was happening as you presented it constantly. As Harthan would say "you need to show, not tell".

You did manage to cover a lot in this RP such as you first encounter with Celeste, how you've changed, your next match with here, your King for a Day qualifying win, your match at Kingdom Come and the ongoings in WZCW. You covered a lot without making it boring.
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  #1542  
Old 04-09-2012, 02:58 AM
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Killjoy:

I liked the font that you used, but I found it too small. Have you thought/tried using the font but increasing the size by one?

I found your RP to feel very choppy and lacking a real flow. The call that Matt Tastic had with Vance really wasn't needed and didn't add anything to the RP. You did a good job of showing the reader Matt Tastic's mood leading up to his match reveal, and then showing how his mood changed for the worse, before he was able to compose himself and carry on in front of the fans. I found that "mood swing" to be very interesting, and wonder when it will appear next.


Dave:

I'm not too sure how much this feedback will benefit you as there really isn't much that I have to say except that you have mastered the technique of being able to say a lot in few words. You select your words with care and your writing is as efficient as it is effective.


Newc868:

I'm so very thankful that you were able to produce a good RP and hopefully give us a shot at winning because I don't think I was much help at all. I was drawing a complete blank leading up the the RP, and it wasn't until I posted it that I was struck with any true inspiration.

I found it interested to see Brad Bomb's view on teaming with Rush. While most people discuss how they can work together as a team, when teamed up with a stranger, you took a different route and put the focus on the weaknesses of your partner and opponents. This was just as much of an introductory RP for KC as it was for the tag match this week.

If I had any complaint, it would be that it was short and I would have liked to see you talk more about this weeks match. But then again, I think I only mentioned it in one or two sentences so really who am I to talk, right?

Oh, yeah. Tell Brad to put away his own fucking dishes! What was he raised in a barn or something?
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  #1543  
Old 04-09-2012, 03:58 AM
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Yazloz:

The thing that stood out the most when reading this and Shotaro's RP was the contrast in characters that there is between Howard and Stormrage, and I love it as it makes such an interesting dynamic between the two of you. Howard acts like the older, serious brother, while Stormrate is the fun-loving guy who likes to stress his older brother out in a way to teach him to loosen up. I also really enjoyed reading how Mikey and Rose interact in their relationship. Rose really brings out another layer within Mikey which is only a benefit for your character.

Mikey is a very witty guy and a pleasure to read his antics. While I understand what you were going for, and it kind of paid off at the end, there were way too many My Little Pony references in this. So many that they eventually started to take away from the RP. It would have been better suited if it was constant video game references, or comic book references. Maybe I'm wrong, but to me, the MLP discussion in the WZCW Discussion Thread leaked its way into your RP.


Shotaro:

There is excellent continuity between your RP and Yazloz's which I appreacted. Like I mentioned in the feedback above (read it, the first paragraph affects you as well) I love the contrast that is present between Howard and Stormrage.

You have a good understanding of your character and the characters in Howard's life, and you are also able to write Stormrage very, very well. You were able to capture him perfectly in your RP.

You managed to put a lot into your RP, with a number of different settings, and none of it felt out of place or drawn out.


The Best:

Your RP took place in a really unique and exciting setting. While I would have liked to have been able to read the speech and interactions between Marquel and the other inmates, I appreciated the "montage" that you provided the reader.

Marquel has a voice that stands out when compared to most of the WZCW roster, and I would like to see it pushed a little further to make him stand out even more. You were able to present the reader with Marquel's feelings on teaming with Ace, and I would have liked to have been able to experience that more with his thoughts on his opponents.

I hope to see Bowa as a reoccurring character.


Sanka:

The line "The only reason he didn't lash out then was because we were in his house." I found to be a very intense and powerful line.

Ace Steven's is a funny dude and you present him in a very cleaver manner. Your writing is efficient and effective as you are able to say a lot, with a little. What could be said in five words, you are able to effectively say in three. You were able to equally discuss teaming with Marquel as well as both of your opponents and kept it interesting from start to finish. I did, however find the ending felt abrupt and you lost some of the flow that you had established, but I suppose there are only so many ways to end an interview so I don't fault you on that at all.
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  #1544  
Old 04-09-2012, 05:00 AM
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Theo:

You had me at "Busty waitress".

I'm a big fan of The Beard character and you mentioned that you weren't happy with your first RP, but I hope this one kept you motivated to continue with the character as it was really fun to read. I know that it's still early for The Beard, but I look forward to him continuing to be flushed out with each RP as you clearly demonstrate an understanding for the character. You also manage to write The Local Talent character perfectly.


Crock:

Not only did I laugh, but I laughed out loud when I read "... take a big fat dump on his..." I look forward to reading more TLT RPs from you as they are filled with laughs from start to finish.

Your RPs with The Beard have the dynamic between the two partners built in the descriptions and the conversation the two have with each other, which allows you to focus on your opponents, or the future, or whatever you wish rather than spending half of the time setting up your relationship.

At the very end of your RP, I think it needed a description of the action that TLT and The Beard did after the 400 lbs lift to close it off nicely. (If that makes sense.)


Awesome_Miz:

I've never been a fan of "The Scene opens up with..." I don't need to be told that in books that I read, or movies that I watch. I see/read it and understand that this is the beginning.

I can see what you are trying to accomplish with your character, mood and setting, but it's not reaching its full potential. Instead of fighting between two intimidating men trying to get the upper, hand on the other, it reads more like teenage girls bickering.

I noticed there were times where you used more words to get the point across than required. For example "We were late due to the fact that we were about to run out of gas and had to stop at a gas station." could have read "We are late because we almost ran out of gas and had to stop."

The Chris character was unneeded in this RP and didn't accomplish anything. I assume he will be used later on, but this didn't really do a good job of introducing the character and he could have made his debut in a future RP.

The Black descriptive font in the blue dialog font really stands out and looks nice.
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  #1545  
Old 04-09-2012, 04:30 PM
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Stevenson Marquel The Best
I like it. I like the setting and the fact you were talking to prisoners trying to show them that anything can happen after they got out. The rap at the end was good and I enjoyed it.

If i had to pick something negative it would be you used the word Brotha to much It just wasn't really needed that much. Also you could have interacted with your partner a bit more. It is a tag match after all and while you 2 don't get along I feel there could have been more.


Drake Callahan Harthan
First off am I ever gonna get my match against you for taking my Mayhem title? I'll bring back Milenko for a 1 off special match at some point.

What can I say I loved reading it. i loved the interaction between, Drake, Joe & Kate. I loved the interaction between Joe & Stacey. You mentioned all of your opponents and brought up your past with the ones you have history with. I can't really think of anything negative to say about your RP.

Rush Merk
I enjoyed it from start to finish. you used Becky well and let everyone know what you hope to accomplish and why you came back.

what I think you chouldh ave done better was mention your match and interact with your partner a little bit.
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  #1546  
Old 04-11-2012, 03:13 PM
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Meeks

It's pretty short but length isn't always important. However, you should go more into details about your character. Only thing I really is that you like money? You described both of your opponents pretty good. That is a great way to start. One thing that got me confused was the 3 different font colors. And I think 2 were for Leon. I'm not the best at description for my rp's but thats what I've been working on the most. I think you need the same thing. Don't just put that he chuckles a little. Another thing you can do for RP's is set yourself up with a goal in your RP's. If you are going for the Mayhem title, mention him for a line or 2. Don't base your whole RP on it. Also go places that fit your character. I havent read your profile yet but I will. Character development is very important right now too. Get to know your character. If you can't do that, how do you expect your reader to. Hope this helps and I wish you the best of luck sir.
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  #1547  
Old 04-13-2012, 03:12 AM
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Derek Jacobs
Hey man, welcome to WZCW. First of all, with it being your first RP, I can understand it being short, just like how mine was. Not that it was bad or anything. Your message here was simple, it was all for the money. Maybe a little more character depth would have been nice. But you had a simple message and you got your point across. I like that you brought up a point about it being a triple thread match instead of a singles contest, that was good to read. So overall, maybe a little anxious to post up your RP, but it was alright.

Anderson P. Styles
For some reason, the first half of your RP felt like a rant to me. But you finished strong in the end. It's good to mention your opponents in your RP as you tell us how you'd beat them. Having your own "show" is pretty interesting to say the least. Overpowering Kensworth like that was a good booking move to let others see you as a heel. Overall, pretty good first RP.

Mr. Butty
From the three, I think that your character comes off as the "most-asshole-ish" lol. I guess that's a good thing since you're a heel. A heel teacher like you is one interesting character which I think can be written about in a lot of scenarios. A teacher could be like the perfect villain, haha. I like that you use the classroom as sort of a place where you do your evil deeds but also seem to be having a renaissance of some sort in it. You just do a good job of coming off as heel is basically what I'm saying. Definitely the better of the three here. Expecting a win out of this one.
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  #1548  
Old 04-13-2012, 12:33 PM
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Meeks (Derek Jacobs)

First, I like the gimmick, it is simple and it has a lot of potential to some serious character depth. You do a lot of money puns, and really push the fact that Derek likes money. Kind of reminds me a lot of Brock Lesnar.

However the RP was way too short to my liking. But it is your first RP and I can understand you want to make it short and sweet. But their is a lot to be had in a RP. You need to cover your past, your present, and what you want to achieve in the future. And of course you got to cover who you are facing off against. One or two lines are not going to cut it, trust me on that.

Overall: You have a great character and you have a lot to work with in your future RP's. This may not be the best RP out of the bunch, but that doesn't mean you won't improve. Keep up the god work, Meeks.
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  #1549  
Old 04-13-2012, 12:43 PM
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Mr.Steve (Anderson P. Styles)

Welcome to WZCW, Mr.Steve. I know we don't really converse much, but you seem like a swell fellow from wherever I see you.

Now the starting of your RP is actually very sound. I love the setting you make, it is simple, effective, and it leads to a good promo. Which is always a huge plus if everything flows in your RP. But at the same time, your Leon pretty much blurts out of nowhere. It is hard to picture the emotions of Leon and Styles, it is nice to have some narrative in your dialog. Does Styles just sit there and talk for 5 minutes? Is Leon sitting there holding the mic out with the same vigor and emotion as well....A Mic Stand? I also don't know how I feel about switching interviewers halfway through your RP. But it is effective here because you cover who you are facing so well in your RP.

Overall: This is the best RP out of the Triple Threat in my opinion. I love the character and I can't wait to see more of Uncle Styles. Good work, dude.
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  #1550  
Old 04-14-2012, 08:14 AM
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Feedback for the young boys:

Meeks/Derek Jacobs

*I don't object to short RPs out of principle or anything, but this is really short. I get that you don't have a ton to work with, but still. Take a look at the length of your opponents' RPs. Those are about average length and more along the lines of what I tend to expect. For a first RP I'm not that upset about it, but I would try to add some content for the future.
*That said, I do like what you're doing so far with Derek. At first I was worried it was going to stray firmly into generic cocky heel territory, but there are some upsides. You have a good sense of humor that should be carefully developed. Really, it's the bodyguard angle that's most interesting. The problem for me is how much mileage can you get out of a character whose sole motivation is money? It's a little flat and cliched, you know? I would try to work out some deeper character material. I think mercenary for hire is a great stare, just flesh it out a bit.

Verdict: A passable introductory RP. You have good things to work with, but as a piece unto itself I wasn't that inspired. Think about adding depth to your character, and more interesting RPs will probably result. C-

Mr. Steve/Anderson Styles
*Quick note - you mashed up Leon Kensworth and Derek Jacobs when talking about your opponent. Not sure if a proofing error or just getting used to who's-who. Well, you say Leon Kensworth a few moments later, so I guess we can answer that question.
*Didn't understand your reference to GoT in the opening. Who are you referring to? I mean, I guess Butty since Jacobs is the football player, but I just don't get it, unless I'm drawing a total blank on my GoT characters. I also didn't really understand what you were talking about with Ozzy Osbourne. Try to make your references a little more clear, I guess, is what I'm saying.
*You use the phrase "pretty much" a lot in weird contexts. As in, Leon "pretty much" did what he was told. It's vague. Did he object? Did he hesitate? Did he just go and do it? I would be more specific than "pretty much", in the future.
*Some occasional proofreading errors. I think you once told me English is a second language for you, right? If I'm making that up, just ignore me. Nevertheless, try to keep an eye on that. Since you posted your RP so far in advance of the deadline you definitely had time to do it.
*Things start to get kind of weird here: "just like the good ol’ states didn’t quit when they went ahead and dumped the tea in the Harbor, in any single fight that George Washington; a man who did not win a fight at all! Yet still proved to have some serious lack of quit in him" I can't tell if this is consequence of the poor writing or what, but you seem to be implying that the Boston Tea Party was an act against Americans. And your sentence structure when you start talking about George Washington is really strange. Not to mention historically inaccurate; Washington definitely won his share of battles.
*Thought it was a little odd that Becky was just prepared for an interview with a newbie out of the middle of nowhere. It might have been apropos for her to not know who Styles was, or something.

Verdict: You clearly tried, and I appreciate that, but it has a couple of holes in it that take its overall quality down. I think you have loads of potential and material to work with but need to work on presenting more cohesive, polished pieces. A good first effort, though. B-

Mr. Butty/GCB
*Some occasional awkward writing, though I usually get the gist of what you're going for. "not everybody is entitled to health care when they need it." is a phrase that could have been subtler. "believed you had a huge claim when you installed"...I guess, my objection here is, a claim to what, precisely?
*Okay, so that said, this is pretty awesome. I loved the motif of Butty in the room full of kids, just yelling and screaming about how everyone else is a terrible person. It's perfectly over the top heel antics. The asshole teacher gimmick really, in and of itself, is totally over the top in just the right spot. Loads to work with.
*As an introductory RP, this is more or less pitch perfect. You addressed your competition well in the context of your character, and fleshed out the basics of Butty. Great stuff.

Verdict: Not much more to ask out of an introductory RP, is there? Work on the writing just a bit, but the content is all there and hopefully you can keep evolving. One thing to watch for I suppose would be letting the character stagnate. Over the top heels can stray that way. Just try to keep things lively and this can really go places. A
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