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Old 12-02-2017, 03:51 PM
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Anthony Mancini - Milenko (Unscripted 2017 RP)

This is for being the runner up in the predictions contest. I found your Mancini RP to be the stronger of the two you wrote this round so here is some feedback on that one.

Did I vote for you? Yes. I thought that you had the stronger piece when it came to your addressing the match and also liked how it is pointing Tony in a new direction. We spoke a little in PM about what you are wanting to do and this RP was a good start toward your ideas.

The note from Xaitlyn was a good way to write her off, if that is what it was. I didn't think having her as a manager would have been the best long-term idea. Something I would have changed was the way you did a couple of the spoken lines. When you write something like "Tony (To himself):" you could have kept it the same as a normal spoken dialogue line since Tony is by himself at the moment. Had Gino been there then you could have used a descriptive paragraph. I remember seeing someone else say that it looks awkward when it is written that way with other things in paranthesis by someone's name, and I agree that sometimes it does. This was one of those times. The same goes for "Tony (unhappily)" later on after Gino gets there. I would have instead put "Unhappily, Tony responded to his friend." in a descriptive line and then kept the spoken line normal. I also would have used a different color for Mama Giueseppe. Her spoken lines were almost the same color as Gino's. Maybe purple would have been better.

Now on the positive side. Whole Tony becoming Christian was a good storyline arc to me personally, other aspects to the story such as the baby and Xaitlyn held you back. This RP was an improvement. You gave what came off as the beginning of a new direction for the character and you left me wanting more. When I saw Agent Henderson's reaction, I wanted to know what will happen next. Keep us hooked.
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