Brandi Converts is in the Davy Jones Locker Room. The unnamed referee comes in and greets her.
: Hey, how's it going?
: It's too sober around here, ref. Nobody is in the spirit. Spirits. Whatever. I'm facing an Office Christmas Party. It writes itself. But I feel we should be doing something fun now. Where is Ramparty? He drinks, right?
: It's true.
: Where did you come from?
: I'm like a genie in a bottle. Just rub some New Amsterdam and wish for a good time and POOF. I'm there.
: Uh-huh. Well this is a good start, but there's not enough of a party here just yet.
: I agree. That's why I brought my friend here. Please say hello to my friend here all the way from Texas.
: I heard some god took an Atone Cold Stunner from The Lord. Nice.
: Hey, thanks man.
: Wow. Austin and Jesus are here. Fuckin' A.
: Language, lady. I'm here to turn water into wine, not listen to a potty mouth.
: I'm sorry, Lord. Please give me strength.
: So you can turn water into wine...can ya make the ocean into a big ol' glass of Cabernet?
: Of course my son. I am The Lord.
: Holy...that...THAT would be the talk of ages.
: Some shmuck will think it's the End Times, though. Red Oceans and all that ill omen silly stuff.
: That's true...
They all look at one another. The referee speaks up.
: ...we should still do it...
: You're darn right we should!
: It's not a party without a little biblical scare anyways.
: I suppose you have a point.
: If you wanna see The Lord turn Atlantis into a punch bowl, give him an AMEN!!!
The camera pans over the ring, highlighting the audience. From the curtain, a large group of eeriely-similar-looking heavyset men march onto the ramp in a single file line. They are all dressed in cowboy hats, worn jeans, and flannel shirts, and all sport large white beards.
Krypto: I think we know who's coming out next.
Ramparty: Brother, I know a lot of you guys might think I hate this dude for being a stuck-up showoff, but he's my guy for this next match! Just you wait!
The line of clones stops, turns, and marches to either side of the entrance ramp, forming a human alleyway.
The music hits, and the clones start pointing. They point at each other. They point at the crowd. They point at themselves. And finally, they point at the stage, and Dr. ART Anderson marches onto it, looking exactly the same as those who point at him.
Neptune: The following is a triple threat contest scheduled for one fall! Introducing first, from mART, Texas and weighing in tonight at 424 pounds, Doctor Anderson!
Dr. Anderson looks cross as he glares at the audience, disgruntled by their ringing boos. He shakes his head, and turns to the camera. You can hear him mutter something about how freedom of expression is a form of ART.
Krypto: There is not much this professor does not see as a form of ART. I suppose that is a positive quality for an art professor to have, though I hear his temper is legendary.
Ramparty: HELL yeah! This guy puts the ART in pARTy! His theme is a banger, K-To! A banger!
Dr. Anderson stomps down the ramp to the beat of the song, pausing to point at a particularly colorful shirt, or the way a barricade has been damaged with age. At each thing he points at, he nods to himself and speaks. "This, too, is a form of ART."
He doffs his hat before entering the ring from the stairs, and after a brief period of pointing at the commentators, the announcer, and the crowd, he stands and waits in his corner, examining the ring ropes closely, at which he points and nods. The clones sidle back to the locker room.
Loud drum'n'bass hits the speakers as the lights dim and flash in time with the music. Lasers fire, smoke billows from the stage, and as the beat fades, a spotlight shines on a lone figure perched atop-
Krypto: A hovercraft?!
Ramparty: YOU BETTER BELIEVE IT, BROTHER! WOOOOO!!
Indeed, El Genio Verde is floating atop an evil-looking hovercraft, attired as he is in his evil robes and his evil mask. Standing behind him on the hovercraft is his minion, Puta Madre. The Green Genius signals to something up in the sky, and a microphone is carried to his hand by a lime-green drone.
"Buenos dias, Atlantis,
" he growls into the mic. "I'm sure you are all wondering what nefarious schemes El Genio Verde has planned for this match.
Ramparty: Tell us!
"Ladies and gentlemen, to deal with my opponents, I present to you my secret weapon!
" he crows. The crowd gasps appreciatively as the El Genio Verde starts fishing around down the front of his pants. "It's large! It is oblong! It is capable of immense destruction! It is...
With Herculean effort, El Genio Verde pulls something long and pale with a purple tip from his trousers. Puta Madre claps appreciatively as El Genio holds the item high in the air.
"The Pocket Rocket!
" he yells into the microphone. The crowd gasps.
Krypto: That thing looks like it could cause some serious damage!
Ramparty: No DQ in a triple threat, K-Kryp!
"With just one spurt of fuel, this pocket rocket will fly forward and obliterate my opponents! There is nothing you can do to stop me!
Puta Madre nods again and strikes a pose as El Genio Verde places the item in midair. He strokes the pocket rocket to bring it to life, and with a sputtering sound...
...it just sort of floats there, really. El Genio looks at the camera like he's on The Office and turns back to the rocket. It's definitely going, it's just going...slowly.
Ramparty: Better to take your time than blow too fast, buddy! WOOOOOOO!!
"Well, no matter,
" Genio says. "I have prepared a plan B for this match, and this is one neither of my opponents can ever hope to defeat.
The crowd sits there slack jawed as Genio reaches into his trousers again and pulls out an even longer, even more oblong, and even paler object. It is a syringe, clearly loaded with fluid. A single droplet quivers at the end of the needle.
"This is my special serum! It will make me beautiful and beefy! Behold! The Hot Beef Injection!
The crowd oohs and aahs as Genio shoves the needle into the folds of his cloak. The lights pulse and lightning crackles as the Green Genius roars in agony.
Krypto: That- That can't be legal!
Ramparty: I've taken harder stuff than that at your garden variety rave! I say, let him beef it up!
When the smoke clears, El Genio has grown considerably taller, considerably more muscular, and considerably, considerably meaner. In the ring, Dr. Anderson points at the Green Genius, mouthing words about the marble statues of ancient Greece and how they, too, were forms of ART.
Ramparty: He's buff!
Krypto: He's cheating!
Laughing maniacally, the now-buff El Genio Verde grabs his joystick and slams on the gas, his hovercraft blasting down the ramp.
Neptune: Introducing participant number two, from his secret underground lair beneath the ruins of Chichen Itza, weighing in tonight at 190 lbs., El Genio Verde!
Genio abruptly parks his hovercraft close to the ropes and leapfrogs them with his newfound strength. Puta Madre walks to the barrier to do something almost-certainly nefarious. Genio and Anderson give each other the evil eye.
The crowd makes loud noises in confusion as Batti Otaku appears on the large screen above the stage.
"Hey!! Ohayou goizamasu!!"
She giggles to herself. "You both have such way cool entrances! Sugoi!
Ramparty: Who the hell is Sue Goy? This chick is crazy! I love it!
"So, I decided to reach across the fourth wall and grab a cool entrance for myself!
Krypto: Reach across the-
But before the alien commentator could finish his sentence, the lights dim and music begins to play.
From the curtain, stuffed bears pour down the ramp, all grooving and shaking to the music. They shimmy, they conga, they Charleston, they jam. And then, as the figure of Batti Otaku herself comes crowdsurfing down the sea of plush, her theme plays.
Ramparty: Dude, those other guys don't stand a chance! This chick has the real party goin'!
Batti grins wildly as her crown drifts askew. She bobs up and down on the Teddy Bear Ocean.
"I look so cool."
Neptune: And finally, participant number three, from Neo Kobe City, Japan, weighing in tonight at 115 lbs. of pure kawaii, Batti Otaku!
As her theme ends with a bang, Batti slides under the bottom rope. She hops onto a turnbuckle and waves enthusiastically at the crowd, overjoyed that she is finally competing. Dr. Anderson and the incredibly muscular and veiny Genio glare at her, and sigh in unison. A referee enters the ring, stares at each competitor in trepidation, and signals for the bell.
Krypto: And we're off! And- Hang on, does Batti have a microphone?
Ramparty: She's got three! Karaoke night?! I can dig it, brother!
As Dr. Anderson and El Genio Verde look to lock up, they're blocked by Batti Otaku who stands between them both. She holds a microphone to either of them, which they take with some confusion.
"Umm, sorry to interrupt, you two,
" she says, "but I thought maybe before we fought, we could take a pic?
Krypto: A selfie? That is a human custom I never expected to see here...
Ramparty: I'd get mad that she's ruining the match, but I love selfies!
After a brief discussion, Dr. Anderson and El Genio Verde shrug their shoulders and gather in close to the squeeing Batti. She reaches into her bra and pulls out a glittery pink cell phone that she holds out to the referee.
"Say 'The Ultimate Punishment!'
" she says gleefully. No one says it, and the referee takes the picture anyway.
"Oh yeah, that one's definitely going on Instagram."
" Batti squeaks. She giggles and takes her phone back and stuffs it in her bra. Dr. Anderson and El Genio Verde go back to their corners and post up again, ready to rock, roll, and wrestle.
Krypto: Well, that certainly was a diversion, but perhaps we will finally see a match!
Just before Genio is about to pound his meaty fist into Art's fat nether regions, he is interrupted again by the young girl. He turns to her in frustration.
" he asks.
"Um...well, I was just wondering...
The girl starts playing with her hair.
"Um, I was wondering, now that you're bara...are you and Puta-kun...BL?"
Though his face is covered by a mask, El Genio Verde looks stumped at the question.
"How am I supposed to answer that?!
" he asks.
"Well, you know, Jeeny-kun...I was just wondering which of you was the seme and which was the uke!
Before Genio or Puta can respond to the pointed questions about their sordid love life, Dr. Anderson interrupts.
"Madam, we are in the middle of a match!
" he says, fury in his eyes. "You are making a mockery of this! I have half a mind to assign you 500 lines!
Batti turns to the professor and pouts.
"Aww, Mister Anderson...
"Doctor, Miss Otaku! I earned my degree from a prestigious ART school, and I refuse to be addressed as anything but!
Dr. Anderson folds his arms and looks cross. Batti pouts harder.
"Aw, but haven't you ever wondered about the wild world of BL?
"What in the wide world of ART is BL?!
" Dr. Anderson asks incredulously.
Ramparty: Woo! Now we're gettin' spicy, brother!
Krypto: I am afraid I am unaware of this earth phrase. Bee Ell?
Ramparty: Brother, when I was in Ibiza, you couldn't walk two steps without running into some BL! I love me some BL!
The referee turns between each competitor open-mouthed, trying to make sense of the situation.
"Like, how do you not know what BL is?!
" Batti gasps. "It's only, like, the most perfect and purest form of love there is! Gosh, okay, I'll just show you! Mister Sound and Video Guy! Go to my DeviantART! I drew a BL pic just the other day! Put it up on the big screen!
"Did you say DeviantART?
" Dr. Anderson asks, intrigued.
"Uh, like, duh,
" Batti replies. "It's only the place where the best artists, like me, gather. Do you have a DeviantART, Genio?
El Genio Verde looks up from the turnbuckle, where he was suspiciously hanging out near. "No,
" he replies, completely failing to hide the C4 in his hand.
Batti sighs in frustration and rolls her eyes. "Whatever!
"Just put it up there!
Krypto: Did...did she draw this? Why?
Ramparty: WOOOO! I haven't seen anything like this ever! This match is great and that girl has some serious skills!
Krypto: What match?!
"What is that? What IS that?
" Dr. Anderson barks.
"Um, well, it's Sam Smith and Ulysses S. Adams.
"They're totally my OTP!
"How can you call yourself an ARTist when all you draw is filth?
"It's not filth!
" Batti screeches, completely unaware that El Genio Verde is talking to his uke on the outside of the ring. The two are conspiring. "It's beautiful!
"The lighting is a disgrace!
" Dr. Anderson barks. "If that is a form of ART, it is certainly a poor one!
He starts hopping in place and punctuates each of his next words with a stomp.
"YOU! SHOULD! HAVE! GONE! TO! ART!!
Flecks of spittle fly out of his mouth as El Genio Verde rolls back in he ring with a death ray. Batti stares at the ground for a few minutes, clenching her fists.
"My art is beautiful,
" she says, quietly. "My art is beautiful and nothing your fat dumb self says can take that away from me.
"Perhaps it would be more beautiful if you weren't some child with more heART than brains!
Batti looks up, fury in her eyes.
"What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you little bitch? Iíll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Navy Seals, and Iíve been involved in numerous secret raids on Al-Quaeda, and I have over 300 confirmed kills. I am trained in gorilla warfare and Iím the top sniper in the entire US armed forces. You are nothing to me but just another target. I will wipe you the fuck out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my fucking words. You think you can get away with saying that shit to me over the Internet? Think again, fucker. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of spies across the USA and your IP is being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. Youíre fucking dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and thatís just with my bare hands. Not only am I extensively trained in unarmed combat, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the United States Marine Corps and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable ass off the face of the continent, you little shit. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little ďcleverĒ comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking tongue. But you couldnít, you didnít, and now youíre paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will shit fury all over you and you will drown in it. Youíre fucking dead, kiddo."
Batti's words echo throughout the arena and she pants for breath afterwards, cold fury etched in every line of her young face. Dr. Anderson seems somewhat taken aback, but he has no time to react to her because he's too busy reacting to El Genio Verde. The newly-buff green genius levels his death ray directly at the professor's head.
"Eat lead, you fat fuck!
" he roars, and squeezes the trigger. The professor dives to the ground, and the death ray collides with the adjacent turnbuckle, causing it to explode.
Krypto: Oh my!
Batti screams and dives out of the ring. Dr. Anderson struggles to his feet. He posts up once more.
Krypto: Wow, after that sneaky, deadly, and underhanded attack by El Genio Verde, I think the match is about to start!
Ramparty: There's no show like an All Stars show, K-Krush!
El Genio Verde flexes, his throbbing protusions glistening with sweat. Dr. Anderson flexes too, his hat fluttering in the wind. The referee steps backwards and the two lunge towards each other.
Suddenly, the Pocket Rocket finally hits the ring. Or perhaps more accurately, it strikes the buff El Genio Verde squarely in the back, sending him flying fifty feet into the air. With a roar, the rocket explodes, and fireworks start popping in the sky.
Krypto: Goodness! El Genio Verde is flying, and everything is a mess!
Ramparty: WOOOOOOO! HELL YEAH! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA!
El Genio Verde twists his body once, twice, three times! Four times! Five times? Six times?! Seven times?! Eight times! Nine times! Ten times! He flips ten times! And all the while he screams at the top of his lungs! And suddenly, all too suddenly, he falls and crash lands directly on top of Dr. Anderson.
The referee dives in to count the cover.
The bell rings.
Neptune: Here is your winner, El Genio Verde!
Krypto: Finally, mercifully, this one is over. That match was out-of-this-world.
Ramparty: Talk about chaos, K-Fed! I loved it!
Dr. Anderson looks furious as he stomps to the back. Batti pops up from under the ring and looks around, snaps a selfie, and skips away. Meanwhile, El Genio Verde seems to have returned to his normal, limp self as he and Puta climb onto the hovercraft and float away.
Krypto: Stay tuned, earthlings! There's plenty more All Stars where that came from, for better or for worse!