The camera angles down from the rafters towards the announce table. The crowd are not anticipating this match at all as nobody are really clapping or doing anything.
KRYPTO: Well humans, coming up next is one of those matches on the card nobody gives a fuck about.
RAMPARTY: Whoa, whoa now E.T lips! Iíll have you know Iíve partied with ST .ALKER and the man is groovy as hell.
KRYPTO: We shall see Ramparty, Iím going to get a glass of Nuclear Waste before this match starts.
Krypto takes his headset off and walks off camera.
RAMPARTY: Donít worry folks! That creepy alien will be back, letís head to the ring where that oily, fat announcer Neptune is about to announce the competitors.
NEPTUNE: Ladies and gentleman, this next contest is scheduled for one fall and has a three minute time limit.
NEPTUNE: Introducing first...
The lights go dark..
NEPTUNE: From the mouth of madness..
A red spotlight hits the top of the ramp...
NEPTUNE: SUKOOOSHIIII MAAAAJO!!!
Sukoshi walks down the ramp with her cat in her arms, when the fans start booing she stops and gives them a glacial stare. She hits the ring and her cat jumps out of her arms and perches on a turnbuckle. She is about to pose when Neptune steps in front of her..
NEPTUNE: I forgot to mention, sheís a 130 POUNDS!!
NEPTUNE: And introducing second...
NEPTUNE: The man you see digging through your trash can, ST .ALKER!
KRYPTO: ST .ALKER looks ready to fight tonight Ramparty.
RAMPARTY: Iím tellin ya Kryptos, this guy told me in the back that heís going all out on Sukoshi tonight.
ST .ALKER slowly walks down the ramp as his silky robe lightly billows behind him, he blows a kiss at a girl in the crowd. Suddenly a huge man jumps up and starts yelling at him.
Angry Man: Sheís 15 you sum bitch!!
Security have to calm the man down as ST .ALKER jumps in the ring, heís trying to remain cool as fans continue to boo. A ringside attendant gives him a microphone and he walks to the center of the ring.
ST .ALKER: For all you fat, out of shape, inner city sweat hogs out there..keep the noise down while I take my robe off and show you what a real sexy man looks like!
ST .ALKER slowly takes his robe off to reveal hes only wearing a skintight Speedo.
KRYPTO: NO!! NO!! NO!! BLUAHHGH!!
Several fans begin puking and security have to rush to the aid of passed out fans in the isle.
NEPTUNE: That was disturbing. Ladies and gentleman, introducing your guest referee for tonightís contest..
KRYPTO: The Italian Stallion!!
CHEEEER !!! CHEEER !!! CHEEER !!!!
ROCKY!! ROCKY !! ROCKY!!!
Rocky waves to the crowd in his tight ref shirt, he rolls into the ring and does a couple of jabs and smiles at Sukoshi.
RAMPARTY: What kind of experience does this goofball have reffing a match Krypto?
KRYPTO: Word on the Earth Internet is he reffed a match a few years ago and called it off because somebody got injured.
DING!!! DING!! DING!!!
ST .ALKER and Sukoshi walk towards each other until theyíre face to face in the center of the ring. ST .ALKER makes a kiss motion with his mouth and Sukoshi nails him with a chop to the throat, the Speedo wearin man staggers back and gets hit with a kick to the stomach followed by a hard chop to the chest, Sukoshi jumps up and nails ST .ALKER with a round house kick sending him flying through the middle rope.
ST .ALKER is trying to regain his composure on the outside of the ring when Sukoshi dives through the ropes and hits him with a flying headbutt sending him over the announce table and landing on Ramparty.
KRYPTO: My goodness! This has escalated quickly!
] Too much oil! Get this guy off of me!
Rocky: HEY YOUíS TWO! Uhh, get back in da ring!
Sukoshi grabs a coffee mug off the announce table and takes a sip, she curses as it cuts her lip, she drops the coffee and it burns her wrist, the cup falls and she steps on it, tripping and banging her head off of the announce table, the coffee cup quickly rolls under the ring. Sukoshi recovers and grabs ST .ALKERís hair and lifts him to his feet, ST .ALKER quickly rakes her eyes and gives her a clothesline over the barricade and into the first row of surprised fans. He climbs back in the ring and walks up to Rocky.
ST .ALKER: You know the rules dickhead? Start counting her out!
Rocky: Hey yo! Back up! Uhhhh, one...
ST .ALKER: Keep counting!
Rocky: Uhhh, two...three..two?
ST .ALKER: You dumb bastard!
Sukoshi climbs in the ring and quickly gives ST .ALKER a schoolboy pin.
DING DING DING!!!
KRYPTO: What?! Sukoshi just won this match Ramparty!
RAMPARTY: Rocky is saying something to Neptune, what the hell is going on?
NEPTUNE: Referee Rocky Balboa has stated that ST .ALKER had his foot under the bottom rope, so heís RESTARTING the match with NO PIN FALLS stipulation, you must now win in any other fashion!
DING!! DING!! DING!!
ST .ALKER quickly hits Sukoshi with a sneaky spear, drilling her to the mat. She rolls around holding her side and making loud wheezing noises. He stomps on her leg then applies a single leg lock, trying to get her to tap. Sukoshi grabs the middle rope to break the submission. ST .ALKER wonít let go of the leg lock, Sukoshi climbs the ropes with her hands, still in the submission move, she elbows ST .ALKER in the ear, he breaks the hold. Sukoshi does a quick one, two punch combo and a side kick to ST .ALKERís ribcage. He staggers back and Sukoshi hits RED RIGHT HAND
, the impossibly fast spinning back fist connects perfectly and spins him around. He falls to the mat limp.
Rocky runs over and makes the - X - motion with his arms.
[CLOR="Green"] What is that human moron doing?
RAMPARTY: This is the match Krypto! ST .ALKER could very well be dead from that insane spinning backfist!! Letís watch that replay!!
KRYPTO: We donít have replays.
The security cram into the ring with several medics. There is a stretcher ready to take ST .ALKER away. The man revives though and jumps to his feet, he staggers to one side of the ring while medics check his eyes and motor functions. Sukoshi is livid, sheís cursing in her native tongue and subtitles are showing the viewers at home what sheís really saying.
Rocky whispers something to Neptune, the oily man nods and makes the next announcement.
NEPTUNE: In fairness to both competitors, referee Rocky Balboa has RESTARTED this match, to make the match as safe as humanly possible, referee Rocky is now making this match, an INFERNO MATCH!!
DING DING DING !!!!
The lights dim a little as holes open up on the mat under the ring ropes. Tiny flickering of flames start to rise around the ring as the temperature heats up. ST .ALKER hits Sukoshi with a cheap dropkick to the back of the head. She hits her face on the mat hard. He jumps up and does a sexual walk across the ring to the disgust of the capacity crowd.
KRYPTO: I would like to apologize to anyone watching this match at home, humans should never wear Speedoís like that.
RAMPARTY: I swear heís got a ball hanging out Krpto, I didnít want to say anything.
KRYPTO: Thanks human! Now I have no choice but to look!
ST .ALKER picks up Sukoshi and hits her with a backbreaker, he picks her up again and bodyslams her on the mat. The flames all around the ring shoot out from the force of the bodyslam. He looks around the crowd and makes a signal that heís going to end it. Sukoshi stands up and staggers a little, ST .ALKER yells at her, she grabs him by the nutsack, but ST .ALKER flexs! He hits her with IíM NOT DOING ANYTHING OFFICER!!
She does a front flip and lands on her back! Flames shoot up again! He goes for the cover..
ROCKY: Hey yo! Sorry! I forgot you gotta light her on fire over on the ropes!
ST .ALKER: You idiot!
RAMPARTY: This guy really is an idiot.
ST .ALKER picks her up and irish whips her towards the ropes, she reverses and gives him a belly to belly suplex! Both wrestlers go flying through the ropes to the outside of the ring! Both on fire!
HOLY SHIT!! HOLY SHIT!! HOLY SHIT!!!
ROCKY: Hey youís watch yer language!
Security rush over and douse both wrestlers with fire extinguishers.
DING DING DING !!!
Rocky walks over to the ropes and makes the - X - symbol with his arms again.
KRYPTO: No words can describe...
NEPTUNE: Referee Rocky Balboa has determined that BOTH wrestlers caught fire around the same time, so heís RESTARTING this match to a COLUMBIAN JUNGLE cage match!!
DING DING DING !!!
RAMPARTY: A what, what, what?!
A huge, wooden cage lowers down from the roof of the building and fits nicely on the steel posts. Sukoshi and ST .ALKER are in the ring and are ready to fight again but the mist of the extinguishers reveals something shocking to the crowd. Sukoshiís boob has popped out of a hole in her attire from the fire, but thatís not the worst part...ST .ALKERís Speedo has burnt off completely!
RAMPARTY: Can this get any worse?!
Sukoshi does a running dropkick to ST .ALKERís face, he lands on his back. She walks over to the ref and complains about everything going on and the nudity of her opponent. Rocky shrugs as he canít read her subtitles. The flames shoot out from ST .ALKERís fall and now the wooden cage has caught fire!
KRYPTO: The entire cage is going up in flames!!
RAMPARTY: I canít believe this!
Sukoshi is amping up as ST .ALKER gets to his feet, some wooden beams have fallen in the ring sending a plume of smoke up the the ceiling. Sukoshi sticks her fingers in ST .ALKERís mouth for the SOUL EATER!
The naked man is fading, his legs and penis start to wobble as he loses energy. He reaches out, grabs her naked boob and hits a reverse Joey Ryan Boob Plex! They both fly into the burning, wooden cage. The cage wall breaks loose and falls down into the first six rows of people watching the match. Dozens of people catch fire as Sukoshi and ST .ALKER lay motionless on top of the broken cage wall.
HOLY SHIT!! YER ON FIRE!! HOLY SHIT!! YER ON FIRE!!! IíM ALSO ON FIRE!! WE SHOULD STOP CHANTING!! SOMEBODY HELP US!!!
KRYPTO: I almost canít handle this violence Ramparty!
RAMPARTY: This has to end soon!
Rocky climbs out of the burning ring as hundreds of security, medics and guards are extinguishing burning crowds and helping the injured. The Italian Stallion walks over onto the broken cage wall with Sukoshi and ST .ALKER. ST .ALKER slowly puts his burnt arm over her shoulders for the cover.
He rolls her over and locks in HEY WHAT DID I DO
crossface chicken wing submission hold! Sukoshi is fading fast. Rocky looks up to the top of the ramp and makes a -come here- motion...
RAMPARTY: You donít think, he wouldnít!
Rocky makes an - X - symbol with his arms and medics pour out from the top of the ramp. Thereís hundreds of security and medics all over the place now as the ring has been nearly extinguished.
DING DING DING !!!!
NEPTUNE: SIGH! I really canít believe Iím saying this but, referee Rocky Balboa has RESTARTED this match due to endurance of Sukoshi! This match is now a FATAL FOUR WAY MATCH for THE WWE INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPIONSHIP!!!
RAMPARTY: What in the flying fuck Krypto?!
[COLOR=""Green"] Iím leaving, this is too much.[/color]
Ric Flair saunters out to the ramp in his best sparkling robe. He letís out a giant WOO! As he makes his way to the ring.
KRYPTO: Who the hell is THIS guy?
Hacksaw Jim Duggan stomps out on the ramp with his two by four draped over his shoulder and his tongue sticking out the side of his mouth.
CHEEER !!! CHEER !!!
HACKSAW: U.S.A !! U.S.A !! HOOOOOOO!!!!!
ST .ALKER slowly rolls into the blackened, soggy ring. Sukoshi is hit from behind by Ric Flair and goes headfirst into the steel steps. Ric letís out a quick WOO! And climbs in the ring. ST .ALKER nails Ric with a round house kick to the head, The Nature Boy turns, walks normally and does a face plant in the middle of the ring. Hacksaw jumps in the ring and starts hitting rights and lefts on ST .ALKER to the delight of the crowd. Hacksaw falls right inside the mat after stepping over a soggy part of the ring. Sukoshi rolls in the ring, ST .ALKER misses a clothesline then gets rolled up...
Sukoshi raises her hand in the sky and a bolt of lightning hits her fist, she jams her fingers in ST .ALKERís mouth for a LIGHTNING ASSISTED SOUL EATER!!
ST .ALKERís hair starts to smoke and bolts of electricity spark out of his eyes as he starts to fade. He eventually dies.
Rocky runs over and makes the - X - symbol again.
DING DING DING !!!
KRYPTO: Thank Dozkork thatís over.
NEPTUNE: The winner of this match, by death and NEEEEEEW WWE INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPION!! SUUUUUUUKOSHIIIII MAAAAJOOOOO!!!!!!
RAMPARTY: New Intercontinental Champion Krypto! I TOLD you Sukoshi was winning the belt tonight!
KRYPTO : I would like to take this time to apologize to Earth and all humans on it for...
RAMPARTY: Wait a second Kryto, thereís something going on in the ring.
Rocky Balboa has a mic, heís smiling and somber.
ROCKY: During this fight, I've seen a lot of changing, in the way you feel about me, and in the way I feel about you. In here, there were two guys killing each other, but I guess that's better than twenty million. I guess what I'm trying to say, is that if I can change, and you can change, EVERYBODY CAN CHAAANGE!!!
CHEEEER!!! CHEEEER !!!! ROCKY !! ROCKY !! ROCKY !!! ROCKY !!!
Back outside the arena, the Swag Master extraordinaire is hitting up a second mermaid.
Runn: I must say you do look stunning. I mean, you're the kind of girl I can really see myself artificially inseminating. Oh I'm sorry, I'm being a little aggressive, right? Can we start from the beginning? My name is Ricky Runn, right? And I'd love to make love to your booty...hole.
Mermaid Two: Get out of here creep!
The second mermaid slaps Ricky and swims off, leaving our Swagtastic savior to try again.