The man of the hour sits in a large La-Z-Boy recliner. Around him are several WZCW wrestlers of days passed. Barrett Stratton's Ghost
, Darren Bull, Joe West, and The Destroyer
all congregate around him. Stratton walks over to a podium and addresses Doug Crashin.
: Great turnout. We have some legends in Atlantis tonight. Hell one guy here attacked The Undertaker.
: I like hurting people!
: Yes, we know. Doug Crashin here knows all about getting hurt, don't ya Crash?
A few chuckles from the older mermen in the audience. Doug nods a little, playing along.
: Why, he should just go around with a huge Kick Me sign. With all the bruises and welps he has had over his career, even the legally blind can get a few licks in. His bumps read like fucking Braille.
Crashin chuckles. Joe West shakes his head. Destroyer enjoys hurting people.
: You're an inspiration to me, Doug. You inspired me to get out of wrestling before I became the posterboy of punishment. Sure- I'm a racist, misogynistic symbol of white privilege, but at least I had the decency to die before I became a living caricature.
The crowd goes "oooo" like it physically hurt. Crashin rolls his eyes.
: Oh, shut up. It's a roast. If I wanted to suck his dick then I'd pull a Dan Akroyd.
Ya'll act like this shit didn't happen in Ghostbusters.
Joe West is in hysterical fits. Stratton smiles. The Destroyer ends another career.
: How does it feel knowing Joe West is laughing at you? Serious question.
Audience erupts in laughter. Doug Crashin shrugs, but is a little hurt.
: Joe West was part of the Kings of Hate, an infamous team that appeared at a major PPV event recently. Fuck sakes, Darren Bull is here and he was part of the Swag Pack. He was closer to gold then any of us. What have you been up to, Doug? Besides moonlighting as a masochist in Princes Ariel's sex dungeon.
The merfolk guffawed. Doug Crashin turns red. Darren Bull doesn't know why he is there.
: To be real though, thank you for rolling with the punches over the years, physical and mental. You've been like a father to some of us. An old, ignorant has-been who shows up to parties uninvited kind of dad, but still somehow people get excited when they see you. So here's to you, Doug Crashin.
The Atlanteans applaud, and Barrett Stratton's Ghost hovers away from the podium to give Doug a hug. Of course he goes through Doug, to the amusement to a few in the crowd. Doug Crashin speaks.
: Thank you. I'm truly honored to be in Atlantis. I mean I should be getting paid for this, since unlike these other guys I actually get work.
A few polite snickers from the attendants. The Destroyer attacks The Undertaker.
: Oh come on that was funny. Let's face it- I'm a legend in this sport. And I didn't have to force a stripper to suck my dick to get noticed either.
: It was a rolled up dollar bill!
: It was in poor taste. And let's not get into the weird daddy issues please.
: You're just mad because you can't win a match. I at least won in last year's All Stars. Where were you? Washing dishes?
Everything gets awkward fairly quickly. Crashin looks furious. Stratton still looks like a ghost.
: Oh yeah? Fight me then. Let's get a referee out here!
The Atlanteans cheer loudly. Barrett Stratton's Ghost stares down Doug Crashin. From far off in the crowd, a voice is heard.
: I volunteer as tribute!
: Let's dance! Show me what a fellow white boy can do!
Ding Ding Ding!!!
Barrett Stratton levitates high into the air as Doug Crashin reaches out to him. The ghost cackles and puts his hands together.
Doug Crashin's eyes widen.
: You have got to be shitting me.
A glowing orb begins to manifest in Barrett's hands.
Doug Crashin begins to run err wade away from Stratton. Armando Paradyse looks on with keen interest. Darren Bull, The Destroyer, and Joe West get bored and decide to leave. The orb gets larger and brighter.
: You can say Doug is about to get roasted... for real.
The ghost pauses as he hears the pun and looks over at Armando Paradyse. He redirects his aim.
Armando Paradyse is incinerated! The merfolk clap enthusiastically as Stratton descends. Doug Crashin searches the pile of ashes that once was Paradyse and finds...a gun! Doug squeezes a few rounds off and the projectiles hit Stratton! How it is able to hit a ghost your narrator has no earthly idea, but it's All Stars so Stratton is down.
: What cruel irony.
Doug Crashin lifts the ghost up into his human arms and flips him off. He nails the Crashin Cutter
! For the first time in probably a decade Doug Crashin executes his finisher on the probably already dead ghost. He covers him for the pin.
: We need a ref out here! Somebody, please!
Click for Spoiler:
From Armando Paradyse's ashes sprouts...a guy?
: It's me! Jimmy Wonder!
The magician slides (?) over to Stratton and Crashin and begins the 3 count. Doug repeats it right along with him.
Stratton and Jimmy Wonder disappeared without a trace! Doug looks around, and realization sits in that even after killing a ghost and hitting the fabled Crashin Cutter he was not going to win.
: No...this isn't fair...I had him...
First came dismay, and then came absolute anger.
All the mermen pointed and laughed at him. The mermaids did as mermaids do and made bitchy faces at him.