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Old 03-07-2018, 03:08 PM
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Vee A.D.Z.

I'll admit up front, I'm not overly familiar with your character, so my frame of reference is limited when it comes to the rest of your writing.

I noticed that you seem to mix up your tenses, often alternating between the past and the present, and this is something I find myself inadvertently doing myself when I write fiction. To give you an example of this:

Quote:
Dr. Wolper is regarded as one of the most successful psychiatrists in all of the United States. However, it was quite difficult for Vee to believe in that, because the question was completely out of the context.
Wolper may still be, in the present tense, a successful psychiatrist, but when you're recounting a story, you should stick to the one tense to make it clear to the reader for logistical reasons. You do this a few other times in the RP also.

It also could have been clearer that Vee actually hit Dr Wolper. Perhaps this is just me being unfamiliar with the character, but at first, I thought someone else had attacked Wolper and that Vlad was an entirely separate character, instead of a separate personality of Vee's.

I really liked Vee's transformation into Vlad on the whole though. I love how Vlad is trying to gain influence and become the dominant personality in Vee's mind, manipulating Vee's mind more and more through a clever use of triggers, and his desire to mess with him as much as he possibly can.

I also really like how Vlad turns the tables on Wolper, in a "hunter becomes the hunted" kind of way; how Vlad is now the one in the driving seat and Wolper is the one answering questions and the one in need of help. It made Vlad look like a terrifying presence, who can really shake things up.

Overall, I really enjoyed the second half of the RP, whilst the first part could have been used to build up more suspense, but I think grammatical errors (of which there is a lot, and I think really taking a close look at your work several times before you post it would catch these mistakes) hold it back from being a winner. The potential is there though, and I'm interested in seeing where the Vlad angle goes.
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