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Old 03-07-2018, 02:09 PM
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Spidey Spidey is offline
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This is for your LL RP. Hope you don't mind, but I figure it's better to give feedback on work that is most current.

Again I'm breaking this down into what I enjoyed and what I didn't.

What I Enjoyed

Practical Use of That Grand. $10,000 isn't much for a business. Let's get that out of the way. But Tony handing it over and telling them to collect outstanding debts that far exceed that amount? Good idea. It was a strange stip that got Tony that money, and I think you made the best use of it you possibly could. Very glad you didn't just leave it at Tony giving them the money in the expectation that it would fix everything. That would have been a tad painful to read.

Returning To Your Roots. Tony Mancini was a reformed don. This RP showed that the Family had gone to shit and Tony feels he can set it back to the way it was. I don't mind the mental gymnastics it took to see a face character shift to heel in one RP, abandoning the work you had already laid out for him lately. You did briefly mention the Family being in trouble in your last RP, so eh I prefer mafia Tony.

Understanding the Character. Readers get why he's back with the Family by the end. He can't let go of them. Now that he's a Mayhem Champion, I see that he believes he can do things for them. That confidence shows.

Simple. You didn't go with anything hard to pick up on. It was laid out in a way that I'm fairly sure everyone could follow easily. Format was fine, spelling was good, punctuation had a few snags, but I left knowing what was going on, how Tony was handling things, etc. This might be the most important thing in an RP. Tell a story and don't go off the deep end with it. I don't need to know how many leaves are on a tree, ya know? Decent job here.

What I Didn't

Intro. It didn't add anything that isn't covered well enough after 15 Hours Later. This felt more like just a reason to have Backstage Bob give Mancini the "good job" dialogue. Having Backstage Bob somehow popping in on the Family, or at least cleaning up at their business, would have been a fairly funny little spot to break tension a little. The pat on the back would have fit there, too.

Opponent Nod. To your benefit, Studd didn't talk about Mancini (though it can be argued that this was intentional, a subversion since his RP definitely mentioned the Family and all). But still, your character was a mob boss first, champion second, and wrestler third. There is something that does concern me lately, and please keep in mind this isn't a gripe at you personally, but many RPers. They write the same kind of way-
  • Small reminder that character came off a win/loss.
  • A drawn out narrative that is either a misadventure or a drama.
  • Brief mention of an opponent and being a wrestler at the very end.

You're on Creative (congrats btw), so you know exactly what I'm talking about. This is roleplay, and it makes sense for a wrestler to go do whatever he does to make him interesting. But here there was barely anything that told me Tony feared Studd, wasn't scared of Studd, etc. As a champion, that's gotta take priority. Speaking of...

Mixing Business With Business. I do have a hard time understanding how being our Hardcore Champion will open doors and establish connections for a business. I do get bringing your character down to a criminal underbelly, full of shady dealings and the like, so maybe I'm being picky here. But as a reader who knows that A. Tony was a Face before this RP and B. The Mayhem Championship is the least prestigious of the active titles, it did confuse me as to why you're going this route. Like I said though, I get Tony is turning so for now it doesn't make sense on a narrative level but I figure it will. Just something to consider. Being a champion is a badge of honor, but why would any place of business want the exposure a Hardcore Champion of a wrestling promotion could give as compared to maybe the World or Eurasian? Or even a wrestler in general?

Actions That Follow Dialogue. This bothered me more than the rest.

"What are you doing here man," Gino asks with a slightly shocked look on his face.

"Don't do that Gino," Tony says with anger in his voice.

"What are you guys staring at," Tony wants to know.

"Anything Tony," Vito says with a small bit of hopeful optimism in his voice.

"Get him out of here,"
Tony said with a look of disgust on his face.

"Well all that matters now is that you're back where you belong," Gino said with a smile on his face as he ignores the reprimand.

"What happens if you lose it, Gino wants to know.

There is a lot of focus on their voices and their faces. This is fine once or twice, but every dialogue tag where there was an expression that followed either did this or was being redundant. It stands to reason when someone asks a question they want to know the answer. That's one of those things the reader will know without being told. I'd lose this form of communication next batch of RPs, bud.

Originally Posted by Hunter S. Thompson
"When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro."
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