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Old 02-15-2018, 12:38 PM
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Spidey Spidey is offline
Reinstate The Fox
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This is for your Random RP.

I'm going to break this up into two sections: What I did enjoy and What I did not

What I Enjoyed

Execution. There are two things that I need from a new character. It is far more important to me than overall hype:

1. Who is this guy?

2. Why should I care?

You nailed this fairly well. He's a drifter trying to make something of himself in the ring. Easy enough to get behind a homeless fighter, then you included a little Working Class vs. Upper Class with his spat with Sir Reginald. Now there's foil for the new character, making him look much better than if he was just wandering the street or something. Classic trope that will never get old as long as there's poverty in the world.

Kept The Content Simple. You also didn't extend the story further and I kind of liked that. Sure, I am willing to bet there was someone reading that got to the end and they said "..that's it?" but for me it was fine. This is still just a Random RP so it wasn't like you had any room to talk about an opponent. A talent scout has people auditioning for WZCW, and he argues with Blazing Tiger, leaving an impression. It is simple, effective, and leaves something to write about if you pursue this further.

There was no big battle, no over-the-top action, and no overdramatic moments that left me questioning why I decided to read it. Palatable is a good word for the contents of this RP.

Literary Reference. I'm a sucker for this, personally. The Odysseus "Nobody" reference is cool but that is likely to go over many reader's heads. Playing with fire, but it made me feel all warm and cozy.

How To Make A Face Have Edge. I'll be honest -every character seemed like a dick. Sir Reginald was a fatcat dick. Peter was a ring general dick. Michael was a primadonna dick. Blazing Tiger was an ungrateful dick, given his position. The reader doesn't have to like the dickish characters to feel for them, though. Blazing Tiger still comes off as the good guy with his interactions with the NPCs, but maybe in the future dial it down a little. It worked well here, because the NPCs were noir levels of asshole, but if you sit Blazing Tiger down with the other wrestlers in the locker room, how long will it be until you had to turn him heel? Just something to stew on.

What I Didn't

The Coloring. I was staring into a rainbow, so to speak. I do get the problem you had with my RP and color formatting- it doesn't really add anything and if a reader can pick up a book, they can read black font and be fine. Your problem was just and I agreed with you... but you went ahead and did the exact same thing and that confuses me. Comes off as hypocritical. That and because of the colors it was confusing for a minute to figure out who was speaking, and how important they were. I tend to separate dialogue tags from action because for me this approach is easier on the eyes. It would also help if you gave us their names to start, instead of A bored scout and An ugly man. Names give intimacy. Readers care about getting names more than they will about how bored a scout is or how ugly the man appears to be. Imagine the reader catching up with An ugly man but then a truck runs him over. Bit shocking, but no reason to care because it was just an ugly man. But when Peter gets run over by a truck...well poor Peter. He lived a hard life, being unattractive. Peter was a person, and now he's lying in the road.

I understand if you were gunning for intrigue (withholding a character's name is all about building the mystery) but here with guys that seem fairly normal it doesn't work well. Exposition first, mystery later. Readers are already engaged in the mystery because this is a new character. Don't tire 'em out early.

The High Language. God this is a pretty detailed RP, but perhaps too detailed. Take for instance the "good looking mustachioed blonde" Peter had in a hammerlock at the start of the story. He has no purpose other than to be a guy Peter has in a hold before moving on to Tiger, so why does a reader need to know he's attractive, blonde, and has a mustache? Couldn't you get the same result if you used less impactful descriptors, like calling him a younger, fair-haired and whiskered guy? Or just drop an adjective. He isn't important, yet he even has a name. That's just one case of diving deep into description that doesn't matter for this RP. Your selling point is Blazing Tiger, but Michael took up half the RP.

There is also a lot of telling and not enough showing with this language. You don't have to tell the readers how Sir Reginald Ken II is dripping in wealth. With a name like that, it's already a sucker punch of aristocratic entitlement (He doesn't even go by Jr.!). And with the discussion about how Reggie wasn't going to get in the ring with Blazing Tiger it's clear he's a rich guy. Dialogue is the best way for readers to understand what kind of character they are. Don't need to tell us how Reggie is dripping in wealth and has cufflinks or Peter is some chainsmoking gravel eating talker. Make them talk that way. You did that well with Blazing Tiger and Michael.

Originally Posted by Hunter S. Thompson
"When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro."
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